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I just wanna start off by saying that I don't feel like there are the obvious signs you see in textbook abusive relationships. He doesn't blame me for his own mistakes and he doesn't try to distant me from my friends and family except one person but Ii'll get to that.
Me and my bf just broke up. He broke up with me over something absolutely ridiculous, not that it matters because I was about to break up with him for starting a fight we already had and settled 2 weeks ago.
To make things easier, I'll call him Bob and my ex before him I will call Max
A quick run down..I've only dated Bob for like 2 months.Talked to him online for a year and met a month or so before he pressured me into having an offical relationship with him even though I had just recently broken up with my bf of 6 years, my bestfirend from highschool aka Max. It wasn't a bad breakup. We are still friends. It was a dying relationship and we both have anxiety and depression and weren't helping each other.
After breaking up, I didn't want a relationship yet nor did I want something so serious. I felt like I shouldn't be with anyone. But Bob claimed nothing would change because we were already so close.
Now everything I'm about to explain is really important because Bob kept making a big deal about things I did, things I HAD to do because of my situation, and he never looked at it from my point of view. And he knew all of thi before getting in a relationship with me.
I live with Max still because I've no where to go as I'm jobless and my dad also still lives with us. Basically it's impossible to live on your own around here unless you are upper middle class or higher.
All I have to do is make sure my side of the rent is covered because all my stuff is there. When I AM there, I sleep on the couch.
I had quit my job because it was making my anxiety and depression worse, and I was only suppose to take a three month break before finding another job but a crazy flood hit a huge chunk of my city and took out most of the surrounding cities, making it near impossible to find a job as businesses rebuild and existing workers were relocated to the franchises still open in my city.
Shortly after I broke up with Max, my brother's dad offed himself and I went to help clean it up and help with my brother who had found him. Because the area my mom lives was just hit hard by the flood, school was closed for repairs and the ones unaffected were being used as shelters. There is only one local daycare (he wasn't accepted) and she couldn't drop him off with the neighbors, so she needed someone to be home after school. I volunteered to stay with her for a year to help out being that I'm already jobless.
I'm not staying with her because I broke up with Max. The house where my dad and Max live is still considered my home. However, my plan was to come over every weekend. Mainly to check on my cats and spend time with the oldest who isn't doing too well. Second, to pack my stuff out of the bedroom so things would be more comfortable for Max. I have a lot of stuff and eventually stopped cleaning idk how many years ago so packing takes time because I get so easily distracted,
Well Bob wanted to visit me every other weekend. He lives out of state. So I could only go to my house every other weekend. The first 3 weekends I went to pack and clean were fine. But Bob for some reaosn kept forgetting when I was at or even going to my house. That should have been a sign. Because the fourth weekend I went, he made a HUGE deal about it. He acted like me going there and spending the weekend was odd, as though I haven't already been doing this, as though this wasn't already my plan.
He just wouldn't believe me and then he wanted to tell ME what I'VE been doing in MY OWN LIFE, as though I don't know what I've been doing and where i've been going. He said that he only remembered me going to my house one weekend, as though absence of evidence (in his memory) somehow means evidence of absence.
And thennn he makes a big deal about the dress I'm wearing to SLEEP. He claims it doesn't cover my butt all because he remembers me pulling it down to cover my front and back. Yes, I did do that. I did that because he was making me feel uncomfortable as he sat on my floor and was staring me down, checking me out, as I was trying to walk out my room at my mom's in that same dress. But no, it does cover me. And, of course, you will be to see things when you are sitting below me.
And then he goes on questioning me about the underwear I was wearing...wearing to BED, and it was not in some flirty way. As though what i wear to bed under my clothes and under the covers in a completely separate room from my ex somehow matters. I told him I wasn't wearing any. I rarely do and i've told him this. It isn't some kind of news flash.
Because for one, it's unhealthy for women to wear panties all the time. That area needs to breathe,
For two, I'm sleeping on a faux leather couch. It's gonna be hot af.
For three, it's 40 degrees outside and inside because we don't use the heater until actual winter hits, so I was covered up with a a thick fuzzy robe AND had a personal cat heater on top of me. I was gonna sweat even more.
For four, when you sleep you sweat, especially when you are curled up in a ball like i do and have the covers around your neck.
And THEN he complains about how all I have is a robe as though it couldn't possibley be big enough to cover me, when actually it covered me neck to toe if i stretch out but i sleep fetal position so it doesn't matter.
And THEN he brings up the dress he saw me wearing in a pic i sent him that day. He started complaining about how i wore that around my ex while packing and didn't wear leggings like I usually do with it. He claimed the dress is very short.
...The dress is one of my longest dresses..i never wear leggings with it. It falls to my KNEES. Turns out after hours of fighting, the dress he was THINKING of was a short white, pink, and blue flower patterned chiffon dress, bow on the bust, with a tiered ruffle skirt. The dress I was WEARING was a knee length dress, off white knit bust, blue shiffon skirt wirth yellow tiny flower patterns and a black slip underneath. Two completely different looking dresses.
But..he wants to tell me about what I do and what I wear as though this isn't my life and I didn't just live it.
The fight was so ridiculous that I didn't even get any packing done sunday. I was completelty unmotivated. Oh and he wants to complain about how I cannot pack in one weekend. Completely ignores the my side of things, my side that I try to explain. Anyone who knows me knows i get distracted while cleaning my room. Least productive task ever. But no he just finds it unbelievable. and him acting that way and starting fights dones't help motivate me pack.
The whole weekend I just sensed a lot of "i don't trust you" from him. He focuses on all the wrong stuff. Never my side of thigns, the REAL side. He just assumes everything and makes up his own story and scenario and tries to convince me that's what is going on.
I didnt talk to him all of sunday. I talked to my mom about all of it. recitied the phone call word from word the best i could and read every message. showed her the dresses. I was brutually honest and I always expect the same from her. She'll tell me if i'm wrong.
She confirmed what I was thinking. He's being ridiculous and controlling.
He messages me asking if im having fun not talking to him and I said yes. it's nice not fighting. this wasn't the first fight we've had. He thens brings up me dumping him, which I have not said nor implied. He brought it up himself, but i was thinking about it, but he acted like i said i was breaking up with him.
Long story short with this, I tell him if he cannot see that hes being controlling and that his behaviour isn't okay, then yes I'm done. And instead of actually thinking about everythig himself (because i wasn't expecting him to automatically take my summary of everythihg that just happened) he responds with "you're going to regret this" as though he already thought about everything and that's his decision.
He then goes on to being cruel and cold and basically implies that i'm going to go back to my other ex bfs, even though i have no intention of doing so, and he says something like 'gl finding someone who wont treat me like crap and cheat on me'. implying that i wont find anyone who will treat me right besides him.
He eventually thinks about things and tells me i'm right and that he is being controlling, it's ridiculous that he crares what i wear to sleep under my dress and under the covers, and that he's losyt site of what whe wants in a relationship. But not after i had to sit there and listen to him say all this mean shit to me. That how it always goes. Fight, ignore my side, tell me about my life and what i do as though i dont have a clue, say mean shit to me, then self realization and apologizes.
I have so much more to say but i don't even feel like anyone will read all this. If you want to hear more just let me know.
In our last fight he claims I'm not a woman. He said this when I told him he doesn't understand women, because he brings up this stupid dress arguement AGAIN two weeks later even though we already settled this. Suddenly everything from the first fight doesn't matter and he doesn't remember anything about it not being healthy to wear underwear all the time. And then he texts his ex, asking her opinion, not even properly explaining the scenario, and send the screenshot of the exchange to me and says "opinion from a real woman".
