yazilimcisair Member Profile

...See more I am nothing, yes, completely nothing Someone who constantly wanders around in a depressive mood, who has made it their duty to constantly make life difficult for themselves, and who lowers the mood of the people around them Of course, I have no friends except my work colleagues, but apparently I am nothing to them either. I have given about five years of my life to this company, and I think I am one of the people who tries the hardest. I have rushed to every task outside of working hours, and whenever someone needed help, I would set aside my own work to concern myself with other people's tasks and troubles. Even though those people spent time with me outside of work, they only liked me (or pretended to like me) because I was there for them in their difficult times, because I rushed to help them when they were in trouble, and because I often forgot my own problems and saw theirs as my own. Today I felt really terrible; I couldn't hold it in and cried my eyes out, had a panic attack, experienced shortness of breath, and truly no one came up to me to ask what was wrong. This really hit me so hard that I can't even describe it the value you see after trying to think of them not just as coworkers but as friends, worrying about their problems outside of work, trying to help them outside of working hours, and loving them as normal people despite them only being colleagues. There have been times when I felt very lonely, but I had never felt this intensely alone before. It seems like everything has come to an end for me. I have some personal issues; because the people at work know about my ADHD, shyness, depression, bipolar disorder, etc., they slightly changed my job description. They tried to keep me away from customer related work, but this almost marked the beginning of a complete disconnection. Already feeling isolated, I ended up working completely alone. As someone who hesitates to ask questions and struggles to do so, I found myself dealing with tasks that perhaps no one else could understand. And this situation has become so overwhelmingly heavy lately. You’re just going about your own way, working on what could be called internal tasks that I think no one cares about, or even pays attention to what you’re doing. Meetings are held, but since they focus on customer work, you’re just left sitting there, trying to join in so you don’t feel bad. But in doing so, you stand out too much, because you’re fighting for your very existence in that space. People see you as a lesser person, a pushover, because they know your temperament and psychology. Most of the time, they don't care about what you say. Despite your five years of effort in this company, some spoiled, overconfident newcomers are overtaking you just because they have loud voices and put on a show. While you try to ensure that no one's peace is disturbed outside of working hours and that no one is forced to work overtime, the treatment you receive is this: next to those spoiled, self satisfied people who are all talk, who spend half their working time looking at their phones and procrastinating, but who make even the smallest task they do look like a show, you appear as nothing, as an empty space. People not seeing the effort you put in, but instead noticing others because they put on a show, and other people not speaking up even though they're bothered by this situation, and the boss liking it too, of course adds to the frustration. Those who leave work unfinished when the shift ends and walk out, while you stay to complete the remaining work after hours you don't even register in their eyes. And then you find yourself dragged into such a *** position while others rise. Seriously, *** this world. The most painful thing is that in your life, there is no one except your work colleagues no lover, no friend. You've reached the age of 28 and when you look at the past and the present, you have nothing to show for it. You are still the same worthless, the same ugly, the same shy, the same abnormal and incompatible person. There's also the curse of perfectionism, every task you do must be the same, you try to play games but instead of having fun, you aim to be the best. You want to do something for yourself but don't see yourself as worthy of it. When everything is over for me, why am I still living? Why can't I be myself for people to accept me? Why don't they accept me for who I am? Is there really nothing about me worth loving? If so, then why am I living?

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