I am nothing, yes, completely nothing
I am nothing, yes, completely nothing
Someone who constantly wanders around in a depressive mood, who has made it their duty to constantly make life difficult for themselves, and who lowers the mood of the people around them
Of course, I have no friends except my work colleagues, but apparently I am nothing to them either.
I have given about five years of my life to this company, and I think I am one of the people who tries the hardest. I have rushed to every task outside of working hours, and whenever someone needed help, I would set aside my own work to concern myself with other people's tasks and troubles.
Even though those people spent time with me outside of work, they only liked me (or pretended to like me) because I was there for them in their difficult times, because I rushed to help them when they were in trouble, and because I often forgot my own problems and saw theirs as my own.
Today I felt really terrible; I couldn't hold it in and cried my eyes out, had a panic attack, experienced shortness of breath, and truly no one came up to me to ask what was wrong.
This really hit me so hard that I can't even describe it the value you see after trying to think of them not just as coworkers but as friends, worrying about their problems outside of work, trying to help them outside of working hours, and loving them as normal people despite them only being colleagues.
There have been times when I felt very lonely, but I had never felt this intensely alone before. It seems like everything has come to an end for me. I have some personal issues; because the people at work know about my ADHD, shyness, depression, bipolar disorder, etc., they slightly changed my job description.
They tried to keep me away from customer related work, but this almost marked the beginning of a complete disconnection. Already feeling isolated, I ended up working completely alone. As someone who hesitates to ask questions and struggles to do so, I found myself dealing with tasks that perhaps no one else could understand. And this situation has become so overwhelmingly heavy lately. You’re just going about your own way, working on what could be called internal tasks that I think no one cares about, or even pays attention to what you’re doing. Meetings are held, but since they focus on customer work, you’re just left sitting there, trying to join in so you don’t feel bad. But in doing so, you stand out too much, because you’re fighting for your very existence in that space.
People see you as a lesser person, a pushover, because they know your temperament and psychology. Most of the time, they don't care about what you say. Despite your five years of effort in this company, some spoiled, overconfident newcomers are overtaking you just because they have loud voices and put on a show. While you try to ensure that no one's peace is disturbed outside of working hours and that no one is forced to work overtime, the treatment you receive is this: next to those spoiled, self satisfied people who are all talk, who spend half their working time looking at their phones and procrastinating, but who make even the smallest task they do look like a show, you appear as nothing, as an empty space.
People not seeing the effort you put in, but instead noticing others because they put on a show, and other people not speaking up even though they're bothered by this situation, and the boss liking it too, of course adds to the frustration. Those who leave work unfinished when the shift ends and walk out, while you stay to complete the remaining work after hours you don't even register in their eyes. And then you find yourself dragged into such a *** position while others rise. Seriously, *** this world.
The most painful thing is that in your life, there is no one except your work colleagues no lover, no friend. You've reached the age of 28 and when you look at the past and the present, you have nothing to show for it. You are still the same worthless, the same ugly, the same shy, the same abnormal and incompatible person.
There's also the curse of perfectionism, every task you do must be the same, you try to play games but instead of having fun, you aim to be the best. You want to do something for yourself but don't see yourself as worthy of it. When everything is over for me, why am I still living?
Why can't I be myself for people to accept me? Why don't they accept me for who I am? Is there really nothing about me worth loving? If so, then why am I living?
@yazilimcisair
Dear Beloved,
What makes you feel that you are completely worthless? Have you done something wrong that makes you feel guilty?
Feeling sad and disturbed is not your fault. My dear beloved, what is the cause of your sadness? What do you think you intentionally do that makes the lives of other people difficult? Do you intentionally go around lowering their moods? If so, how do you do that?
You may not have friends now, but there are always solutions. You can join activity clubs or communities and connect with like-minded people. There is always a possibility of socializing. Let us not be sad about what we do not have, but instead think about what we can do about it. If your colleagues do not consider you a friend, that is their choice. We cannot compel anyone to like us or be friends with us.
You have given about five years of your life to this company. It is worth appreciating that you have continued working for the same company despite your emotional pain. I appreciate your hard work. I appreciate every extra hour you have worked. You shared that you help others with their work, which shows that you are a helpful and kind person.
The fact that you are a helpful and kind person does not mean that your colleagues are the same. You help them because you possess kindness and generosity. They may not be able to replicate your kindness because they lack these valuable qualities. Truly helpful and kind people are rare in this world.
I can feel your pain. It hurts when no one comes to help us, even after we have helped them. However, we cannot expect people to behave in the way we want them to. They are who they are. They may not be as kind as we hope. The world is full of different kinds of people. We cannot expect kindness from everyone and continue hurting ourselves. I hope you are feeling a little better now. You are not alone. I am here with you.
Your colleagues may not possess the qualities that you have. They may not have the same concern for others. It is not about you. They may simply lack the willingness or ability to help and care for others, whereas you have those qualities. You are expecting them to give what they do not have. This is causing you constant disappointment and emotional pain. You are expecting them to care for you. They are not your family. Do not expect too much from everyone in this world, as it can result in emotional pain.
When we have no one emotionally close to us, we naturally feel lonely.
Being sick is not within your control. Please do not feel sad about it. Anything can happen to anyone at any time. We all face different kinds of health challenges.
If you feel disconnected from people at work, you may find ways to connect with people outside your workplace, such as by joining activities, clubs, or communities.
If you feel that you no longer enjoy your new job responsibilities, you can discuss them with your company, or you can begin exploring new roles that help you feel more engaged and connected.
Do not focus too much on what others are doing. Focus on yourself. What can you do to bring your peace back? Do not expect your company to fulfill all your desires. It may not be able to do so, and that can lead to further disappointment. Companies are not usually emotionally invested in their employees. Therefore, let us not expect them to care deeply about our personal needs and feelings. They generally make decisions based on their own priorities.
Do you feel that you have been disrespected in this company? Do you feel that you are not being valued or appreciated? Would you like to explore new opportunities? Can we guarantee that another situation will be better or meet our expectations?
It is painful to be alone in life without close friends or a partner. However, we have to accept the reality of our current situation. We must learn to make the best use of the resources and support available to us.
We can only do what is within our control, but we cannot always receive what we desire. We have to accept who we are. Acceptance helps settle the mind. You are the way nature has created you. You are expecting yourself to be someone else. Accept yourself as you are. Do not compare yourself with others.
You are still alive because life has continued to carry you forward. Whether or not it matches your wishes, your life still has value and meaning.
Why can't I be myself and have people accept me?
When you learn to accept yourself as you are, it will matter less whether others accept you. Do you accept yourself as you are? You are expecting people to do something that you may not yet be doing for yourself. They are not your family. They may not care for you or love you in the way you desire. Why expect so much from them? We cannot compel anyone to love us. Do you love yourself? How many people do you genuinely love? Do you love and care for every person in this world?
You are a part of this Universe. Do not depend on other people for all your emotional needs. If you value love, share your love with those who need it. We cannot compel people to love us. Sadly, many people are not as loving as we would like them to be. They may not have the same capacity for love and care.
The world is full of imperfect people. Please do not keep hurting yourself by expecting love and care from everyone. They may or may not give it. You cannot depend entirely on other people to meet your emotional needs, especially when they are unwilling or unable to do so. Please learn to care for your emotional needs as well. Do more of what brings you peace and comfort.
You are not alone. I am with you.
I read every single word of your post and my heart truly aches for you. It is deeply unfair to spend five years giving your best and protecting everyone else, only to be left alone in the dark when you were the one having a panic attack.
When you are in such a heavy place, it’s easy to look around and believe that you are the problem. But please listen to this: the fact that they didn't look at you doesn't mean you are an empty space. It just means they are completely blind to empathy.
Never let an environment full of people who just 'put on a show' convince you that you are nothing. They want to make you feel small because they don't have your capacity to care or your dedication. You have a beautiful heart, and you need to protect it from that place. This painful moment is a reflection of a toxic workplace, not a reflection of your worth. You are seen, you are real, and you matter here.
I am not an expert or a professional, but please know that if you ever need someone to talk to or just someone to listen, I am here for you. You don't have to carry this completely alone.
@yazilimcisair so much existential weight. No wonder that you are tired of dealing with it.
You did something big now. You came here. Your situation looks like chain reaction, like in domino where one fall triggers another. But here you are with so much awareness and pain. It might be enough to stop it. You might find strength in you to stand up and pull yourself out from this domino chain.
Cause you are worthy of respect. Your care and support have value.
Would that be something you would be willing to confront?