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yellowBike1922
1 2,759 M Hopeful Heart 6
PathStep 24 Compassion hearts107 Forum posts65 Forum upvotes70 Current upvotes70 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2026 Member sinceAugust 21, 2019
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In therapy and am reeling
Trauma Support / by yellowBike1922
Last post
 February 26th
...See more (TW: Possible SA) I've had a long period of being socially isolated and have recently (4 months) started therapy. It's good but it sent me down a direction that is just a lot to deal with. Today we had our 4 months evaluation. I'm actually noticing I'm improving in things I've always struggled with in life. At my work, I show up at time, I don't dawdle as I used to. I've also struggled with self esteem issues my whole life and last week, I've actually had a moment, if just an hour, where I felt comfortable with myself which was massive and so very odd. At the same time it just feels so intense. I'm not used to feeling a lot of things, or talking about it. I'm really unfamiliar with even being a little open with someone like I am with my therapist. It's massively terrifying but she has been so welcoming and so kind along the way.  This past week I've noticed real changes but also tremendous struggle in how strong it all feels. In the past, I've always experienced a lingering memory of being touched by someone when I was young, a medical professional. I've never known if it actually happened and disregarded it as just a quirky thought, but now I'm not sure. I've always felt ashamed of my body and would never have thought about even sharing that, but in my current therapy I'm not even sure what is relevant (the therapy is focusing on my social anxiety issues and self confidence, but the lines between where it all comes from starts to blur). It's terrifying since I'm not sure if I want to bring it up, or should. If it's too much. I am just not used to sharing any of these things. I am really happy I am in therapy, but it is so hard too. Thank you for anyone reading. I don't know if I can take much advice right now, but felt like I needed to share a little since my head has just been going haywire. I've never experienced a place where I could actually feel things and it's a lot. 
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Misery diary
Journals & Diaries / by yellowBike1922
Last post
 December 6th, 2020
...See more Don't know how long or if Ill update this at all, but if it's just one entry maybe that's something Last 8 months of my life have been a blast (not). Near constant anxiety, no job atm (hoping to start something soon, no guarantees). Have no real persons anymore I can feel I'm at ease with, which makes life in general a slow burner of existence where stress just keeps piling up in large proportions. Right now it's night and woke up in panic yet again, my mind just never really settles down. Hopefully tomorrow I'll find a way to relax some more (writing stuff has seemed to help lately, gonna see if I can make that work for something in thr long run).
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Feeling so alone
Anxiety Support / by yellowBike1922
Last post
 January 4th, 2021
...See more Hey all, I've been having a rough year, had an "event" earlier this year that led to some PTSD symptoms and subsequent treatment (thankfully I recovered most from that). Other than that I've ben unemployed since, starting work again soon but it's gonna take time because I'm so weak mentally I need to build up some mental strength I guess (tried an intensive Yoga class 2 days ago, spoiler: didn't end too well, still feeling the effects of that one pshh). Anyway, I could deal with all of that but the most awful thing I find about all this is that, since I quit work earlier this year I lost the only place I feel like I could be myself and feel comfortable with myself. For the last 8 months I've very rarely had any space I feel where I can relax and enjoy and just not be hampered by my stupid social anxiety inhibitions. More than anything, I feel this the thing I find hardest: wherever I go, therapy, parents, "friends" (with which I'm awkward all the time of course), I can't help but feel weak and unconfident and just feel like the smallest most scared version of myself I can be. Can anyone identify? I miss having an environment and people I can chill with and be my somewhat more confident side so damn much. I feel at times I'm losing track of myself cuz all I feel is anxious, scared, unconfident anymore. It's such a trap because more than anything I just miss talking to someone and feeling close to someone just so damn much.
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Anyone had any long term friendships go down because of...
Relationship Stress / by yellowBike1922
Last post
 December 18th, 2020
...See more Hi guys, has anyone here ever had any long term friendships go down because of something that alway seemed avoidable but now is catching up? I have this colleague/friend that I worked closely with for 5 years but all the things that always bugged me about him are now coming to the surface and it's not something that we can talk out (I tried, it didn't work). It feels so bad because he has lots of great qualities but in the end I feel deep down I just can't cope working/being with him (as a friend). Anyone else ever experienced this?
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