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I really don't like the idea of typing all of this out for others to read, but I really don't have anything to lose from it. I've had this account for a couple years I think, I just haven't been able to bring myself to post anything because I don't feel like I belong in this space and I don't want to force my cynicism into a place meant for positivity, and if it bleeds through too much then I apologize.
I'm just tired of everything. I don't even know how to word it all without being negative. It's like I've had an entire life of being alienated or otherly and I'm just over it, and I can't feel or find a way to change myself because nothing sticks. I have nobody to really talk to, i have no friends or even a social life. I just work and go home and run errands when I have to.
There is no place where I feel I really belong or where I'm welcome. When I was a kid my father hated me just for existing and he made sure I knew that through cruel insults, he'd wake me up at night to yell at me for nothing, he'd call me a mistake and laugh at me for it, he'd back me into a corner and scream in my face for literally watching cartoons. There was no physical abuse, but those other things were almost a daily occurrence. My mother was practically supportive, and was the better parent, but I was on my own for any emotional support. I taught myself how to ride a bike because nobody had time to spare for me. Other kids dads taught me how to fish, I taught myself how to work and just about everything I learned back then came from watching other people and trying myself when nobody was looking.
Into adulthood I started dating and I had a small friend group, i had an apartment and full time employment. Dating has never been easy and even though they're all old wounds, I struggle with them all even now. I've been set up and lured into a situation where I was jumped, just for the fact that she was done with me and found me annoying and weird. Every person I dated after that, they all cheated on me without exception. Not once in my life has somebody just said "this isn't working out for me". I just get strung along and made into a fool, and im so bad at reading people or reading emotions that I can't even tell it's happening until it's already done. My best friend, the person I grew up with and considered my brother, we had been friends since kindergarten, he started stealing from me to support his habits. My entire friend group turned away from me, the others took every chance they had to spread rumors about me behind my back, they were always quick and willing to bad mouth me behind my back and play friends to my face. They had no problem telling me how annoying they found me to be. It's like, in my social life all I can ever hope to be is tolerated. Even my lifelong friend avoided me at times or preferred other people to me and I was really only visible when somebody needed to borrow 5 dollars or needed a ride somewhere.
Around that same time, my sister left her three children with my mother and left to go live a child free life. I saw it as a good out for the situation I was in, renting from friends who were now openly ridiculing me to everybody who would listen. My mother did need help financially and I didn't think it was right for her to shoulder that all on her own, so at 25/26 I moved back in with her mainly to ease the financial burden and fill in the gaps where she needed another person.
It's been 10 years since I cut off all of my friends from back then. And I've isolated myself in that time. And my sisters children have lived with us the entire time and we've been sharing the responsibilities of it. My mother has filed for guardianship several times and it's always been denied, because the circumstance doesn't meet the legal definition of abandonment. Because my sister left them in a safe home, it is not abandonment regardless of her not staying in contact. So my mother has never had legal guardianship in this entire time, we can't make new appointments or change dentists or really do anything with their information school wise.
I can't have a social life, because everybody in my small community just knows me as the 35 year old man who lives with his mother. I have a choice of being that, or explaining my entire life's circumstances to justify it and im trapped by it. I've given up on having a life for myself because my sister couldn't handle her own. We don't see her anymore, but she's somewhere addicted to something. My niece who's developmentally disabled dropped out of school earlier this year and ran away to live with her boyfriend and his family, they wont let us even speak to her but they have her convinced she wasn't safe with us. Adult protection won't do anything because guardianship was never granted to advance her diagnosis through the system, we had no authority to start the process. And I guess I don't know why the laws are this way, nobody from the state has ever protected them, its always been my mother and I as their first and last line of defense.
My lifelong friend died unexpectedly after I cut him off, and I regret never trying to get past the theft. He's the only person who would have accepted me as a friend after all of this. I don't have a life for myself, I feel trapped on all sides. I can't even go out without being seen as a loser who lives with his mother. I don't talk to anybody online or anywhere else. And in a few more years I won't be needed for support anymore, and i don't even have a life to go back to. I wake up everyday hating myself and my existence.
I don't even know the point to writing this. And I fully expect it to be deleted for one reason or another. I just have a hard time keeping it all to myself anymore, and I only have ai to bounce thoughts off of. I exist, I'm here, but nobody knows I exist. Im certainly not sympathy baiting, I just have no place where I can say these things. I have nothing, and I have nobody.
