Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
yellowLemon7870
746 M Little Steps
PathStep 20 Compassion hearts133 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2021 Member sinceMay 6, 2021
Bio
Recent forum posts
yellowLemon7870 profile picture
Its been so long and i wish i was over it
Trauma Support / by yellowLemon7870
Last post
 May 7th, 2021
...See more Its been 10 almost 11 years since my trauma, and i wish i could look into the mirror and see the same person that was there before, the talkative, excitable kid i used to be, but I'm just not anymore. And i dont think i ever can be. I was 7 maybe 8 when it started, i didnt know any better and ive never blamed myself for it, or at least i never blamed myself for the first time. My sister and i used to share a room, shes about 4 years older so while i was still a child by all means she was a teen. She would touch me in her sleep, first it was just hugs, then shed start wrpping her legs around mine and id wake up feeling trapped. But she was still fast asleep. I thought maybe its just like sleep walking cause id heard of that, and I thought maybe it was normal. So I let her. Sometimes itd make me so uncomfortable id kick her and shed wake up with brusies. I told my mum once, that she was touching me in the night, but ofc she figured i just ment she was taking up my personal space so next time we moved i got my own room. Once i had grown up a few more years i had totally blocked it out, i stopped being so social to people and i was less and less me, but no one knew why. It was then when i was 11 that i had learnt what that was, and that discomfort i felt as a child just got brought back up again tenfold. I felt disgusted at her and at myself. But i also knew that she didnt know what she was doing she was asleep its not her fault she was unconscious. And everytime i find somewhere to displace these feelings i just cant, cause theres no one to blame. At that point i just... Felt broken, i stopped showering as often and i barely ate, i think at that point in my life i had symptoms of depression and i was slowly losing my faith in the world. Then when i was 12 i went round a friends house, she only lived maybe 10 minutes away, so at 8 i make my way home and someone pulls me into an alley and... Well im sure you can put the dots together. In a way i feel that time wasnt as bad, because i knew i could blame him, and i knew that i had tried as futile as it was to get him off of me. I never told anyone about that time either, but he was arrested a few months later for doing the same thing again. After that, i felt used. I wanted so desperately to get rid of this feeling so i started to sleep around once i was 14-15 (obviously not the best decison in my life, but luckily enough, everyone i had encountered were decent human beings who know when to stop). I think only now, 10-11 years later, do i realise that maybe im asexual, because not once, ever, have i wanted to do a sexual act for the sake of it. Ive never thought about sex, besides the trauma i associate with it. And any time i have done something sexual it was either to build a new association to it (which never worked) or for the other person (because i felt like i should be used). Im sorry this is so long, i just felt its probably good to put it all out there, maybe then ill finally get some closure.
Search more from @yellowLemon7870
Community updates
Considering Therapy?
Talk to an expert therapist
Badges & Awards
13 total badges
Hand Shake Linked Chief Chat First Post Reaching out First Compassion Helpful heart Kindness personified Bundled Group Chimer Teammate Group Friend Forum Friend
Report an issue