yomikiri Member Profile

...See more Hi! I'm new here, and frankly speaking it's the first time I'm writing my honest feelings and opinions in a forum. I used to post about personal troubles on my blog but it's gotten to a point where I can't bring myself to seek help from friends or people I know anymore. I'm pretty nervous about this to the point where my hands are trembling slightly as I type, forgive me if I make any grammatical mistakes. I'm currently studying Psychology, and yes, ironically I'm here to rant and not listen. I'm really happy to be in my course as my modules have taught me so much about the way people feel, the depth and extent of how our emotions can affect us. I decided to pursue Psychology because I thought I could meet similar, open-minded people. But alas, that's just me being overly optimistic. I'm doing okay in school socially, however recently I've been quite affected by the seemingly harmless jokes people around me would crack. I'm obese: I have huge body image problems even if I don't show it openly in my attitude or behaviour. I hide it behind a smile when people joke about having too much body fat after a bowl of fried noodles, whilst I'm at the same table, evidently 3x the size and heavier than the average girl. I laugh when I try to tell my friends about my binge-eating habits, and they tell me to just do something to distract myself instead of eating. I shouldn't complain because my friends are nice and supportive in their own way, but I still freeze up whenever the topic of "fat" and "ugly" comes up. Because I know they are talking about people like myself. Deep down I knew that I could never be attractive. Over time I began to make the connection that being attractive meant being respected by others. Young boys from my neighbourhood would call me names in the past, outright in the open or behind my back. Even the kid next door would call me chubby, though he was a round one himself. Even though my friends were kind to me and never mentioned about my weight in my face unless I initiated, I knew our values were strikingly different. As they complained about the calories after every slice of cake or Starbucks coffee, I continued to have my molten lava cake because it tasted amazing and made me happy. As my friends tried to match-make my other friends with their acquaintances, I was left at a corner pretending to be asexual and uninterested in love, when I actually was. I felt like I could never truly connect with people on a deeper level because I was sensitive to things. I hated it when people start talking about relationships like it was the easiest thing to start. I loathed it when I hear people talk about how ugly and incompatible the guy/girl is when they gossip about the latest couple in campus, because honestly speaking love is so much more than just appearance. I started to shy away from being overly close with people to prevent myself from getting hurt. Even if I was friendly and warm with them and wanted to be close to them, I prized my own feelings over the relationship. I create a gap between us, a gap that is now crucial to my sanity and personal space. So why am I not motivated enough to lose weight, when I am so affected by my body? I don't know. I just know that I am skipping classes more often now because I'm 1) too fat to be out 2) don't feel good about having to face people with openly superficial values that I can never appreciate and act like I can understand. I also know that binge-eating and being fat isn't as simple as "eating less and exercising more". I'm frankly quite sick of hearing the same kind of advice from different dieticians and willpower isn't getting me anywhere. I don't really know what I want to do for myself anymore.

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