Size Matters
Hi! I'm new here, and frankly speaking it's the first time I'm writing my honest feelings and opinions in a forum. I used to post about personal troubleson my blogbut it's gotten to a point whereI can't bring myself toseek help from friends or people I know anymore.I'm pretty nervous about this to the point where myhands are trembling slightly as I type, forgive me if I make any grammatical mistakes.
I'm currently studying Psychology, and yes, ironicallyI'm here to rant andnot listen. I'm reallyhappy to be in my course as my modules have taught me somuch about the waypeople feel, the depth and extent of how our emotions can affect us. I decided to pursue Psychology because I thought I could meet similar, open-minded people. But alas, that'sjust me being overly optimistic.
I'm doing okay in school socially, however recently I've been quite affected by theseemingly harmlessjokes people around mewould crack.I'm obese: I have huge body image problems even if I don't show it openlyin my attitude orbehaviour. I hide it behind a smilewhenpeople joke about having too much body fat after a bowl of fried noodles, whilstI'm at the same table, evidently3x the size and heavier than the average girl. I laugh when I try to tell my friends about my binge-eating habits, and theytell me to just do something to distract myself instead of eating. I shouldn't complain because myfriends are nice and supportive in their own way, but I still freeze up whenever the topic of "fat" and "ugly" comes up. Because I knowthey are talking about people like myself.
Deep down I knew that I couldnever be attractive. Over time I began to make the connection that being attractive meant beingrespected by others. Young boys from my neighbourhood would call me names in the past, outright in the open or behind my back. Even the kid next door would call me chubby, though he was a round onehimself. Even though my friendswere kind to me and never mentioned about myweight in my face unless I initiated, I knew our values were strikingly different. As they complained about the calories after every slice of cake or Starbucks coffee, I continued to have my molten lava cake because it tasted amazing and made me happy. As my friendstried to match-makemy other friends with their acquaintances, I was left at a corner pretending to be asexual and uninterested in love, when I actually was.I felt like I could never truly connect with people on a deeper level because I was sensitive to things. I hated it when people starttalking about relationships like it was the easiest thing to start. I loathed it when I hear people talkabout how ugly and incompatible the guy/girl is when they gossip about the latest couple in campus, because honestly speaking love is so much more than just appearance.I started to shyaway from being overly close with people to prevent myself from getting hurt.Even if I wasfriendly and warm with themand wanted to be close to them, I prized my own feelings over the relationship. I create a gap between us, a gap that is now crucial to my sanity and personal space.
So why am I not motivated enough to lose weight, when I am so affected by my body? I don't know. I just know that I am skipping classes more often now because I'm 1) too fat to be out 2)don't feel good about having to face people with openly superficial values that I can never appreciate and act like I can understand.I alsoknow that binge-eating and being fat isn't as simple as "eating less and exercising more". I'm frankly quite sick of hearing the same kind of advice from different dieticians and willpower isn't getting me anywhere. I don't really know what I want to do for myself anymore.
Dear @Yomikiri,
I am so glad that you have the courage and took the opportunity to reach out to this community. We are very happy to have you with us. :)as you know, even psychologists need their own space to rant and deal with their personal issues. I am tentatively assuming that you have been pursuing a supportive community, and while you seem to note that you do have supportive friends, there seems to be something which is ?quite.. not.. what you need yet.
While I respect and honour your tough method of hiding behind a smile in order to show that you?re a tough cookie. It is also quite okay to acknowledge that you are being hurt by certain people?s attitudes and words, even when they are doing so in an unconscious manner. Having to joke, somewhat at your expense, in order to be able to deal with hurtful comments, is very tough to do. Especially when people seem to not notice the little child in you crying to be unconditionally loved.
It?s quite hard to dissociate from a category of people, when your identity is heavily related to it; putting you in a little pickle as to how you are to react, and therefore ending up all frozen up.
You said something though, which I would like to challenge you on. >> Deep down I knew that I couldnever be attractive. << While I will not resist you on the topic of size matters, I want to be more real with you. You seem to be a girl who is open for experiences, open to be loved, needing to be nurtured and cared for. Perhaps the food that you are eating, is giving you that ?nurturing? feeling when no one else seems to be able to giveto you. And I can see how much you are looking for love ?out there?, I question, how much you can look in the mirror and tell yourself how much you love yourself.
I challenge you, to be able to actually find something in yourself which is Attractive. Be it the little dimple on your cheek, or the fringe which doesn?t seem to stick in place, or the way you know how to move when no one is looking. Find That Something each day, IN You, that will help you identify with a different kind of attractiveness, that is not something which is seenin the social mainstream media. Challenge, the way people View what is attractiveness, and USE this opportunity to your advantage.
I have a friend, who is, well, quite rounded and full herself; perhaps like yourself. But she?s the MOST magnetizing, beautiful spirited woman, who I truly admire. I find her to be a very attractive woman, and one can easily look beyond her size. She just happened to also love enjoying life to the full to not stop herself from eating delicious little devilish food. It?s part of her charm.
I think, reading through you post, you also know, what needs to be done in your life. And that is to surround yourself with people who can concentrate on the real important issues of life, rather than the trivialities of it. I support you to not succumb to it, and to continue moving forward to find your own two feet in this world. :)
Please, if you will allow me, I will challenge this statement, too. :)
">> Deep down I knew that I couldnever be attractive. <<"
I used to believe this, too. I'm very big myself and I've heard over and over and OVER how someone my size could *never* be desired. If I happened to see a picture of a happy couple where one of the people were fat, people would tell me that that was a fluke....that someone liking a big girl or big guy was only a fetish or an abnormality.
But that is a lie. The fact is, human attraction is very varied. Everyone likes something different... so it is *not* impossible (or, even improbable!) that someone will like you just the way that you are.
I found out that there is actually a whole community of people who DO find fat people attractive...they just don't 'look beyond' the way you look...they love it! You may want to look up 'fat admirers' or 'bisizuals' on Google...but I'll break down the definitions here:
A fat admirer is someone who has a preference for large partners (in the same exact way that someone can have a preference for a blonde or a tall or a thin partner, fat admirers prefer and are more attracted to fat people).
A bi-sizual is someone who finds a wide range of bodies attractive -- they can find thin or fat people sexy with no problems.
These articles/websites may be helpful:
https://www.villagevoice.com/2011-05-04/news/guys-who-like-fat-chicks/full/
https://thehairpin.com/2010/12/i-like-fat-chicks-questions
https://magiclistofguyswholikefatgirls.tumblr.com/
https://www.curvyshrine.com/
But of course, it will be a little difficult for you to find and interact with guys if you can't learn to accept yourself and to pursue your goals and dreams-- to live your life for you, no matter what anyone will say about your body. It is important to gain your strength so that you will be able to avoid guys who will try to take advantage of you or try to ask things of you that they shouldn't (after all, one finds *those* kinds of guys everywhere....not just in the fat admirer community).
The people listed below have helped me to start that process of valuing myself.
Is it easy to do this in this society? No. Have I still got far to go? Yes.
But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that the difference between how I lived my life *before* and how I live my life *now* is amazing! I have learned that I must fight harder for the life that I want. That I deserve to pay full attention to my needs and my desires just like any other person does. I dress better, I engage more in self-care, and I am steadily learning to be my own cheerleader instead of constantly trying to appease and accommodate everyone else. I get so much more done than I used to. :)
https://www.statehornet.com/culture/body-image-speaker-embraces-her-fat/article_31a9805c-5aee-11e4-ad22-001a4bcf6878.html
https://www.themilitantbaker.com/2014/07/tedxtucson-change-your-world-not-your.html
https://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/
https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/
https://fatspofatshion.tumblr.com/
Hope this helps!
Its sad how so many people hid from thereown insecurityby making fun of other people. You sound like such a strong person putting on a happy face for others. In my personal opinion the only people who should stay inside there houseones who act ugly. Try not to let other people tell you what is attractive (like the other two posts say)I know an overweight women who holds herselfwell and is truley beautiful inside witchshines out wards. We are more than the outside, and a man who likes you for you inside and out well thats the well worth wait. *HUG* I will be keeping you in my thoughts <3