Boundary Problems in Relationships

Goal

To recognize and resolve boundary problems

Types of Boundary Problems (Cloud & Townsend, pp. 50, 59, 109)

Have trouble saying no and setting boundaries? This may happen due to:

Or perhaps you have trouble saying yes and are described by others as being nonresponsive. People who have a hard time hearing the word no from others may aggressively or manipulatively violate the boundaries of others. People who have a hard time hearing the word yes, on the other hand, often set boundaries against receiving support from others. One of the key differences between these four different types of people is whether they see boundaries as an offensive weapon or a defensive tool. Appropriate boundaries don’t control, attack, or hurt anyone.

Origin of Boundary Problems (Cloud & Townsend, pp. 73, 123-131)

Boundary problems are rooted in thousands of encounters with others, as well as in our own nature and personality. The most important boundary conflicts, however, occur in the crucial first few years of life and are largely dependent on boundaries and limits that exist between the parent and the child. Specific problematic patterns include lack of consequences for irresponsible behavior, lack of confrontation, lack of limits, taking responsibility for others instead of yourself, giving out of compulsion and resentment, envy, passivity, and secrecy. Here are some common signs that you may have experienced a lack of boundaries in the family you grew up in:

Catching the Virus

You may not have good emotional boundaries with the family you grew up in. When you communicate with them, you may become depressed, argumentative, self-critical, perfectionistic, angry, combative, or withdrawn. It is as though you “catch” something from your family of origin and pass it on to your immediate family or significant relationships. When your relationship with one person has the power to affect your relationships with others, you are giving that person way too much power in your life.

Second Fiddle

If your significant other feels as though they are getting the leftovers from you due to feeling as though your true allegiance is to your parents, it is an indication of a lack of boundaries with your family of origin.

May I Have My Allowance, Please?

When parents continue to support their adult children financially, it may indicate the presence of a financial boundary problem, particularly if the adult child is being irresponsible with the funds. Providing financial support in this manner prevents the person from achieving independence.

Three’s a Crowd

Dysfunctional families often experience triangulation, which is the failure to resolve a conflict between two persons and the pulling in of a third to take sides. This is a boundary problem because the third person has no business in the conflict, but is used for comfort and validation by the ones who are afraid to confront each other. I good rule of thumb is to never say to a third party something about someone that you do not say to the person themself.

Who’s the Child Here, Anyhow?

Maybe you’ve tried to live your own life separate from your family of origin but end up feeling selfish due to feeling as though you have let your parents down by not taking care of their needs. This sense of over-responsibility can result in feelings of resentment. While it is good to give, make sure that it is the proper amount for your situation and resources.

But I’m Your Brother

The grown sibling relationship may contain problematic boundaries that occur when an irresponsible adult child depends on a responsible adult sibling to avoid growing up and leaving the family. You may feel guilt and pressure to continue taking care of your irresponsible sibling simply because they are family.

Boundary Problems Exercise (Cloud & Townsend, p. 51)

Instructions: Use the table below to identify which of the above patterns you experience (if any) and what type(s) of boundary problem it is.

Resolving Boundary Problems (Cloud & Townsend, pp. 132-134)

By establishing boundaries, these problems and others can be resolved. Follow these steps:

1. Identify the Symptom. Look at your own life situation and see where boundary problems exist in your relationships. Ask yourself, “Where have I lost control of my property?” Identify those areas and see their connection with the family you grew up in.
2. Identify the Conflict. Discover what dynamic is being played out. Do you triangulate? Are you over-responsible for another person? Do you fail to enforce consequences and end up paying for someone else’s bad behavior? Are you passive and reactive toward the other person and toward the conflict?
3. Identify the Need that Drives the Conflict. You do not act in inappropriate ways for no reason. You are often trying to meet some underlying need that your family of origin did not meet. Maybe you are still entangled because of a need to be loved, or approved of, or accepted.
4. Take in and Receive the Good. It is not enough to understand your need. You must get it met. Reach out to a good support system and learn to respond to and receive love.
5. Practice Boundary Skills. Your boundary skills are likely fragile and new. You can’t take them immediately into a difficult situation. Practice them in situations where they will be honored and respected. Begin saying no, for example, to people who will respect your boundaries.
6. Say No to the Bad. In addition to practicing new skills in safe situations, avoid hurtful situations by avoiding people who have abused and/or controlled you in the past. If you think you are ready to reestablish a relationship with someone who has previously hurt you, bring a friend or supporter along. Be aware that you may have a strong desire for reconciliation that can result in compromising your boundaries.
7. Forgive the Aggressor. Nothing clarifies boundaries more than forgiveness. To forgive someone means to let that person off the hook, or to cancel a debt they owe you. When you refuse to forgive someone, you still want something from that person, and even if it is revenge that you want, it keeps you tied to them forever.
8. Respond, Don’t React. When you react to something that someone says or does, you may have a problem with boundaries. If someone is able to cause havoc by doing or saying something, they are in control of you at that point, and your boundaries are lost. When you respond, you remain in control, with options and choices.
9. Learn to Love in Freedom & Responsibility, Not in Guilt. The best boundaries are loving ones. The person who has to remain forever in a protective mode is losing out on love and freedom. Practice purposeful giving to increase your freedom. Doing good for someone, when you freely choose to do it, is boundary enhancing.

Next Step

Learn more about boundary problems being rooted in dysfunctional families of origin by watching the following video: