Developing Limits
Goal
To create a plan for developing limits with yourself and others.
Boundary Checklist (Cloud & Townsend, pp. 138-143, 218-224)
The following checklist of questions will help you locate where you are in setting boundaries and show you how to get where you want to go:
What are the symptoms?
- Dissatisfaction (a sense that you allowed something you shouldn’t have)
- Feeling controlled or resentful
- Feeling depressed or unimportant
- Feeling anxious
- Feeling guilty
- Feeling as though you’re being taken for granted
- Avoiding the other person or isolating from others
- What are the roots?
- Taught to avoid saying no to keep others happy
- Learned to avoid conflict rather than embrace it
- Lacking training in delaying gratification and in taking responsibility for yourself
- Fearing being abandoned
- Being emotionally hungry
- Covering emotional hurt
- What is the boundary conflict?
- Denying your own boundaries to keep the peace
- Being unable to set clear limits
- Being unable to respect the limits of others
- Taking on too much responsibility
- What can you take responsibility for?
- Your out-of-control behavior
- Trying to control others indirectly (i.e., trying to please others)
- Trying to control others directly (i.e., not accepting the limits of others)
- What do you need to do?
- Connect with safe, supportive people
- Admit your need for others
- Accept other’s support in setting boundaries
- How do you begin?
- Address your real need
- Allow yourself to fail
- Listen to empathic feedback from others
- Welcome consequences as a teacher
- Surround yourself with people who are loving and supportive
- Practice setting limits in a supportive atmosphere where you can learn to disagree, to state your opinion, and to confront
- How do you set boundaries with others?
- Express your feelings and desires
- Confront others and reveal limits you’d like to start setting
- Commit yourself to better boundaries with others
- What happens next?
- Separate from each other
- Renegotiate the relationship
- Set new ground rules, such as, “I’ll stop nagging if you’ll stop being critical”
- What resistance may you face when implementing your plan?
- What could you do to address the resistance?
Resistance to Boundaries (Cloud & Townsend, pp. 239-253, 258-260, 263-264, 273)
Establishing and maintaining boundaries takes a lot of work, discipline, and desire. In our pursuit of living a boundary-filled life, we confront various types of resistance. Someone may have an angry reaction toward you for setting boundaries. It is not usually the situation that’s making the person angry, however, but the feeling that they are entitled to things from others. Another type of resistance is guilt messages. Start by recognizing the guilt messages and viewing them for what they are-anger in disguise. Guilt message hide sadness and hurt and try to get you to explain yourself or to justify your actions. Instead, be assertive and interpret the message as being about the other person’s feelings.
A third type of resistance to setting boundaries is countermoves by controlling people. First, figure out what it is that you are getting for your lack of boundaries and what you stand to lose by setting boundaries. Then, decide if you are willing to risk the loss. Keep in mind that boundaries without consequences are not boundaries. Next, be diligent about making up for what you have lost, set the boundaries, and go through with your plan. Remember that setting the limit is not the end of the battle. It is the beginning.
If you are experiencing physical resistance in the form of physical abuse, you need to get outside help. Do not allow it to go on. Find other people to help you set limits. The pain of others is another type of resistance. When we begin setting boundaries, oftentimes the other person feels hurt and experiences a loss. They may feel a hole where you used to plug up their aloneness, their disorganization, or their financial irresponsibility. Remember that your boundaries are both necessary for you and helpful for them.
A sixth type of resistance is a lack of forgiveness. Many people are afraid to forgive because they equate that with letting down their boundaries one more time and giving the other person the power to hurt them again. A helpful distinction is between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is always needed while reconciliation isn’t always achieved. You may have forgiven someone, for example, but do not trust that person yet, because they have not proven themselves trustworthy.
An additional type of resistance is unmet needs. We have very specific needs from the family we grew up in and when those needs are not met, we fall prey to unhealthy relationships in an effort to have our needs met. Take inventory of the broken places inside of you and begin to have those needs met through supportive, healthy relationships. Perhaps you fear the unknown as you let go of the old and familiar and venture out into the new. This is normal. Change is frightening. Lean on your support network, create structure, process past separations, and have confidence in your ability to learn.
Lastly, our tendency as humans is to look outside of ourselves for the problem. This external perspective keeps you a victim. It says that you can never be okay until someone else changes. Instead, identify yourself as the one who has to change. As we gain this internal perspective and find our tastes changing, from boundary-muddied relationships to more clearly defined people, we begin developing close and meaningful connections with people who have clear boundaries. We begin either growing in boundaries in our present relationships, or finding new attachments in which to invest, or both.
Boundary Checklist Exercise
Instructions: Choose a conflict you are currently facing that would benefit from setting limits, complete the boundary checklist, and answer the questions.
| Boundary Checklist | Question | Response |
|---|---|
| What are the symptoms? | |
| What are the roots? | |
| What is the boundary conflict? | |
| What can you take responsibility for? | |
| What do you need to do? | |
| How do you begin? | |
| How do you set boundaries with others? | |
| What happens next? |
Next Step
Learn more about setting boundaries by watching the following video:
References
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (2008). Boundaries: When to say yes when to say no to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1995). Boundaries: When to say yes when to say no to take control of your life workbook. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.