Practical Coping Strategies (Part I)
Goal
To be able to effectively respond to bullying
How to Deal with Bullying (Hayes & Herbert, 2011, pp. 159-160, 166, 169)
Being proactive can help to prevent bullying from occurring in the first place. Try avoiding certain areas of the school or workplace, avoiding certain people, talking to someone you trust about what frightens you, practicing saying ‘no’, practicing looking happy and unconcerned, and asking a friend or family member to stay with you before going into an area where you might encounter bullying.
Here are seven major ways of dealing with all kinds of bullying. Keep in mind that not all of them are suitable for all situations. It can be difficult to work out which one is best for which situation.
Wait and see if it happens again. For some people, the bullying behavior has only happened once. It may not happen again and it might be for the best to not exacerbate the situation by confronting the individual who did it. Maybe it was a mistake; maybe the individual who said it or did it was not directing their anger towards you. You have the right to do nothing and wait and see.
Walk away. Teach yourself to walk away from a situation in which you feel unsafe or threatened. Keep your shoulders back and your head up. With the person who is doing the bullying still in your sight, walk away. Ignoring it and thinking positive thoughts, finding your friends or another group of people and staying with them, or making a joke about it are additional ways to respond to bullying.
Ask the person doing the bullying to stop. Asking the person who has upset you to stop is a difficult task and must be thought about carefully. Consider the environment you are in and if people who are bullied are encouraged to speak up or not. If you decide to confront your perpetrator, share:
- What, where, when - Yesterday in the break room you called me a selfish prick.
- How you felt and the impact it had - I felt insulted and very angry.
- What you want to happen now - I never want you to say that again.
Write a letter or email to the person doing the bullying. Say what you would have said if you had been able to say it to their face.
Ask a bystander to help. If there was someone who saw what happened or what was said, ask them to get involved.
Ask a peer or a person in a position of authority to mediate.
Make a formal complaint.
No matter the situation, if you are suffering from being bullied it is helpful to talk to someone about it. If you are frightened of confiding in someone closely involved with the situation, there are other people who can support you (i.e. a neighbor, your doctor, a friend’s parents, an extended family member, an older sibling). A problem shared is a problem halved.
Watch the following video for more information about ways to stop bullying:
Saying ‘No’ & Assertive Behavior (Hayes & Herbert, 2011, pp. 167-168; Whitson, 2012a)
Be assertive when you don’t want to do something or don’t want something to happen. Start a sentence with a clear ‘no’ before stating what you don’t want. For example:
- No, I don’t want to go outside with you.
- No, I don’t want to lend you $5.
Assertive body language is also helpful. Standing up tall, keeping your shoulders back and your head up, and looking the person in the eye will give a strong message in and of itself. Try to look calm even if you are feeling scared inside. Take deep breaths to give your body plenty of oxygen. Your brain can think better if you have a good supply of oxygen. Your voice will work better too.
Use assertive phrases when communicating with a bully. Keep in mind that assertive phrases do not put down or attack the bully nor are they effective when said through tears or a whining voice. Here are some examples:
- Friends don’t treat each other that way.
- I need a friend that will treat me kindly.
- Not cool!
- Knock it off.
- Cut it out.
- Stop it.
- I don’t want to be treated that way.
- I like the way I look.
- That was not funny.
- I can take a joke, but what you said was not funny-it was mean.
- Friends don’t do that to friends.
- That’s bullying.
Broken Record (Hayes & Herbert, 2011, p. 168)
Sometimes looking the person doing the bullying in the eye and repeating a polite, neutral statement such as, “I must leave, I would like to get past please” can be helpful since it helps keep you from getting drawn in.
Acceptance (Hayes & Herbert, 2011, p. 167)
Acceptance is a way of deflecting unkind or cruel statements. You accept what is said, agree with it, and move on. For instance, if someone says to you, “You’ve got a big butt”, you could reply with, “Yes, I have, haven’t I.” This technique can be used to reply to various insults, such as having to do with glasses, your weight, your height, your hair, or your clothes.
Positive Self-Talk Exercise (Hayes & Herbert, 2011, p. 167, 169)
Instructions: Positive self-talk is a way of keeping calm in a difficult and negative situation. If you think one or more people may subject you to hurtful and unkind remarks, it can be helpful to think beforehand about the things that you like doing, the things that you are good at, the things that make you happy, and the things that make you feel positive about yourself. Doing so can also help improve your self-esteem. Make your list below. When you are being called names, you can think of this list and repeat it silently to yourself.
Examples:
- I love my family and they love me
- I am good at my job
- I am skilled at creating things
- I like cooking
- I am good at making people feel at ease
- My dog makes me happy
- I am good at encouraging people
- My partner loves me
| Positive Self-Talk Exercise | Like Doing | Are Good At | Make You Happy | Make You Feel Positive |
|---|---|---|---|
Next Step
Hesitant to deal with your bullying situation? Watch the following video: