Challenges from all directions(tw)
I can't seem to catch a break. I am dealing with alot of trauma. I have an ailing parent in a care facility. I'm dealing with a long term painful medical condition that just haunts me constantly. It is a very trauma triggering Condition and I'm stuck in it with no escape. Flashes of an abuse during this daily because of the pain( I can see my abusers face). I probably make no sense but I'm just struggling. My support team seems to always fail me...my past is painful to share and difficult to hear. I have the feeling of needing to run away because I'm being crushed by this pressure of constant attack. My ability to cope is not great, I have CPTSD and everything that goes with it. I don't trust anyone. I am trying to rely on myself but myself is broken badly. I find I need alot of support but it's lacking because my stuff is so hard. Ppl can't handle it. Therapy once a week is not enough and cannot afford more..I feel like I'm on the side of a craggy cliff and I'm alone and crawling slowly on its slippery surface making very little progress because I keep getting hit with more than I can handle as of late. If God took me I won't be upset as being here is so d*mn painful. I'm trying to get to the next decade in hopes my life will improve in some way. I think my adult children are the only thing that makes me go forward. I some days just want to be numb so I cannot feel. I would love to remove part of my memory. Not remembering would be a gift , my past is horrible and not right for one little lady to have to deal with constantly. Thx for reading, it's appreciated 💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92
im so sorry you've been through so much and you are going through so much, its a lot and you are so brave and strong for managing it, im proud of you. I really hope things get better for you. Sending love and support.
@Tamy4210 Thx for your encouragement and kind words. I'm in alot of physical pain this morning. It's so difficult to find hope when your suffering emotionally and physically. I am feeling the weight of my life's experiences. I don't feel strong, I could cry all day but I won't . ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92
I can only imagine the amount of pain you're going through, if you feel like crying, then cry, crying isnt a sign of weakness, it's just a way of channeling your sadness just like laughter is a way of channeling your happiness♥️
Hi @amiableBlackberry92 I wish so much right now I was sitting beside you to give you a huge hug and to let you know your not doing this or going through this alone. Honestly I speak from my heart to yours in saying I fully relate; you have fully described my life in fine detail, I feel your pain, and your feeling alone. I have a 21 year old daughter and if it wasnt for having her, I hinestly don't know if I would still be here. Due to my mental health our relationship is very strangled or strained because she doesnt deal with it well at all. Within regards to parents both mine are ailing and they are in different country. My trauma was from them so I cut all ties/connection with them. I'm in no way suggesting this to you but it has helped me move forward bit easier. Sending you prayers, strength and big hugs. Feel free to pm if you wish to.
@Cazzy8752...thx so much for your kind support, I'd love to have you as friend who can relate, I'm sorry you relate to me so well. The pain of the situation is not right for anyone to have to deal with. I denied myself my truth for so long I just lost it 3 years ago. It's been rough. I understand the daughter situation, mines 28 and it's been a rough ride with her. She had a good childhood from us so she doesn't grasp what he** I've been thru. I think they need us to be their rock so they don't want to see the chinks in our armor ... My biggest problem is my physical pain ,its triggering....and oh ya I can't leave my body to get a break from it unless I was Houdini...it's daily and I hate it. I get upset too when I get close to ppl here and then they go away .. I have to stop holding onto ppl here my emotional status is not strong enough. I need to turn to myself but that is too broken to rely on. Makes sense? I know I'm messy and it's why I'm here. My childhood is a horror story. How am I ever going to find peace ....then there's my s. assault, another horror I can't get away from. I have been trying very hard ....I have a list of tools in my emotional box...go to therapy, go to massage spa even tho I can't afford it. That's just a few of my things. I have hobbies and one best friend. But I cannot overburden my friend with my horror... I don't want her to stop seeing me because of it. Thx for listening to me I'm sorry I'm so heavy emotionally. ABB💜
ABB, I'm happy to be your friend as I need friend too. I also started to face my demons, deal with them and confront them about 4 years ago. I've been suicidal many times, I've separated from my husband because I feel as failure to him and I dont wish to drag him through all this with giving him so much pain. Also I feel were on different life paths. The demons are torturing, I dont speak of any of this with my daughter or ex, its too hard to explain when I cant make any sense of my emotional state and mind. I feel like everyday is a tsunami of thoughts, feelings, emotions, flashbacks with pain and suffering. I too have many tools to help and support myself and feely offer to others but I cannot get handle on them, I cant seem to use them as I should. I feel my mind, body, spirit is too weak and too broken. Here for you always Your friend Cazzy8752 🤗🙏❤
@Cazzy8752.....I understand totally. I'm here alot so pls reach out anytime..💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92:
Hey amiableblackberry92, I totally am with you. Just don't repress your emotions and feelings. let it flow. we got your back.
love,
Blackembrace2732
@blackEmbrace2731
Thx for the support it's appreciated so much!! I do repress emotions because that's how I survived my childhood. I repress more now for fear of rejection. Ppl cannot handle my sadness it's too huge and painful to see. I'm working on a new technique at therapists and hoping it helps. Most ppl are not equipped to handle the emotional fallout I have. Especially the hub. He cannot handle it for a couple reasons, he has his own trauma. Funny how trauma attracts other trauma survivors. I think we recognize it in each other. But then it can become problematic. Anyway I'm holding on to my cliff best I can and I'm so thankful to have the support of 7 cups💜 ABB