Falling Apart with So Much
Hi falling apart I can so get what your saying I too find so many things in my life that I think what the hell why am I feeling like this I too was abused and affects me in all aspects of my life I just take one day at a time see where things go and if life is overwhelming me with the things I cannot talk about too where do you go I've tried talking therapy just made me worse I'm on medications to support me throughout my life so much conflict inside its a whirlpool is it constant reminders talking is good for getting emotions out I found but dealing with the deep rooted stuff I try to keep buried and everyone says need to get it all out I'm not so sure as can lose control and not feel grounded anymore we hurt so deep inside afraid to show our real selves I'm the most kind hearted lovely person to others but I'm the ice queen towards myself I'll do anything for others but I won't give me the time of day the minute I've to talk about my life in depth I struggle so I keep a feelings journal and use my words through poetry things can get dark but I just keep writing even if all night to get the feelings out and if the time comes and I feel mentally numb to life I have things I can pass on safely to let others know but people that no just all about gossip others like i trust and only want to help without questions just be there help me back up read my stuff understand me that way and build me back up safely but not to enter that darkness in me I have a lot to give but I find it very difficult to receive I'm always asked if you talk to someone who feels the same way as you how would you help the person I can say and do all the natural things to help another person but I cannot see what others see in me I focus on making life better for others why can't I do the same for me I'm like you do anything for someone else and I'm happy at least I have that kind listener within me it might change towards me who knows but I just plod on best I can thank you for sharing sending positive vibes your way I'm so glad I came across this app life can be so hard and we need a safe place to express ourselves.
@kez1981
hugs kez, if this is ok for here. I understand all you so nicely wrote about. It all makes so much sense. I also write when I feel it and I do it in a safe place, not on here. I agree that is easier to write about things inside of us. but, just so you know, I so much understand all you have written back, all you have said and it all is so real and is reality. I wish that I could say more to you now. Thanks kindly, kez.
@kez1981
Sweet friend @kez1981.
I'll not go into the discussion here, but I do have a question for you. Why do you not use full stop or comma in your sentences - it would be easier to read. (Others at 7Cup do the same in their writing).
All the best.
Helga.
Your so welcome and thanks for your kindness and reply means a lot I'm always told your not a alone get a grip but until you go through these rubbish things no one can purely understand its not that we don't want to move on we are so stuck in life and the only thing that makes sense is helping others I said to my family you will never know what really went on in my life even my mum doesn't know everything and she's like the best person in my life and I adore her more than life it's self I hate when people say oh the past is in the past all I say to that is yes I'm a survivor but my heads not and they don't know what to say lol I do my best to my ability it's maybe not good to live for others and that's not ideal but it's keeping me here that's all that matters as it's difficult to live for me and you know what its how I can deal with it all I know what's wrong with me and I don't have to explain myself daily I answer to myself I have lovely friends gosh people you think why have you chosen me but there for me no matter how bad things get and understand and don't judge on my choice to never be in a relationship I can't miss what I've never had and at my mental health respite place I go to for breaks we learn see me I'm a person not a lable I work on me everyday I like myself a little bit but being pushed to love myself that's too far and I get we are told before you can love another you have to love yourself but that's not my moto just take one step at a time and what will be will be does that make sense no pressure just my own little path being made my precious little bundle hunter who is my new cat he gives the best hugs and accepts me for me it's not that easy out there inside is my safe heaven due to what I've been through I've landed up with physical disabilities and that is hard to accept alone I've always tried to fit in be who everyone wants but now I'm just being me sending you hugs back .
@kez1981
Hey Kez,
I get what you are saying about caring for others, but, not having to love ourselves to be able to do that. I also live to take care of others and I do not love or like myself one bit. It is nice of you that you like to take care of others, Kez. It does give us some meaning to our life. Your cat must be nice for you. :-) It is nice to have a good pet that you love, as long as no one is there to torture and kill it. I'm glad you love your pet and it is safe with you. 
I'm hate that you also have some phyysical disabilities. That does add a lot of extra things to deal with into the mix. I have some also, and understand. I hope that you are able to be where you can deal well enough with yours. I also hope you don't get anymore. It is very nice to hear from you, Kez. You struggle with lots. It is hard when there is so much in our heads to deal with all the time. It really, really is.
Praying for us all. I too am falling apart. Severe childhood abuse, sexual assault, bulling, sexual harassment, etc my list seems endless. In therapy on meds trying to function best I can. Medical ailments, painful ones all that goes with this very trying time/ decade of realization and facing it all. It's so helpful to hear others are going thru stuff too and my reactions and struggles are similar to others and I'm not defective. I feel defective. It's so nice to have ppl to talk to here. Thx to you both for sharing ...it helps 💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92
ABB,
No, you are definitely not defective at all. You sure have been through quite an extensive time of things to have to deal with. It does and will take time with all of that, with the proper care and treatment. Thank you for praying for us all. I hope I also can remember to pray for us all also, when I get through. You are for sure not alone. We have a lot in common in what we have been through. I hope things do get better for you. Just do the best you can each day is all I can say. Some days are better than others. But, we understand you and you are cared about.
@Amelia2324....thanks for your kind words of encouragement. Your correct some days are better than others. I think I'll be working on my self for a long time....I had alot of denial and beat myself up for that ...improving from 3 years ago. Stuff happens, causes that backwards slide. I just some how keep getting back up.. I thank you for saying I'm not defective. It's difficult to see sometimes because of all the hurt.... ABB 💜🙏
Oh man - same 😞 it feels like I'm losing what's left of my mind and nothing is getting any better. I thought it would but for everything that's there - there's dozens more standing behind it. It seems endless
I'm sorry you're all dealing with everything you are and I wish you all peace - even if its just a moment's worth
Be gentle with yourselves
@mytwistedsoul
Hi, is it J that is there today? Hey to who all is here and nice to see you all again 
I love how you summed it ll up so well in your begtinning paragraph. You said it so well that we need to put that as a banner up somewhere around here for lots of us!
All of this is so real and so very hard to deal with and does seem to keep coming and coming at us. I hope that you and the others find some peace sometimes also. You are right that every little bit of peace we all can get is such a good thing!!!!
Hugs and so very hapy to see you all. Amy and the rest, but, not Kirk.
@Amelia2324 Hey :) yeah this is J. Thank you for your reply. It's nice to see you all again too. We hope you're all doing ok
Um - please tell Kirk that we understand and respect his position and from me that if our presence is causing trouble or friction - we can stay away from your personal threads - I mean it'll kind of suck but we don't want to cause trouble - ok?
Hugs and hellos from most here :)
@mytwistedsoul
Hi J and hey to most of the rest that are there!!!
No, please, come to all the threads that I, or any of us post!!!! We are all happy for you to come and it makes A and the rest all very happy to see any of you all, or many of you. Don't pay attention to Kirk not being around. He usually doen't ever come much unless any of us are in some kind or dire need or in a dangerous situation....that is all. It has nothing to do with you J, or any of you all one bit.
Our younger ones were out for quite a few hours in a row today. Something caused them to come out, then, they couldnt do what they wanted to do, then, did come on here and kind of confuse some people for a little bit about some things that are not normal for who most everyone ususally is around. Try to avoid that if possible.
How have you all been doing? Have you gone back to face to face therapy now? How else are things going?
Thanks for the sweet hugs from most who were out. Kind hugs back to all.
A
@Amelia2324 Hey and Thank you - wanted to reply sooner but finding words sometimes is impossible and tbh - we're pulling farther back from people. It feels like we're getting mixed messages sometimes - talk - don't talk. Talk - but not about that type thing. Alot of it is probably just me and being in monster mode
Do any of your others have a schedule or time when they like to come out? Some people seem to think it's controllable or that I can make the others do whatever I want. A few littles here thought the cat looked hot the other day but found out he didn't like the dog pool :)
Mostly we've just been isolating - some days the depression is too heavy or the anxiety is just too much and Idk - I'm just not a good person - bad people don't deserve nice things. We did have a face to face with our therapist - it was nice to actually see him because talking the other ways made it seem like he wasn't really real but we were late of course - we're allways late because of the arguments about going and how pointless it mostly is. The littles just like the lollys they get lol so it's easier to get them to go along with the plan
How are things with you all?
Thank you for your kind reply and hugs - hugs back to all who want one :)
J
Hi J, who wtote to us, and others that are there,
Know what ya mean about sometimes trying to find the right words to say. It is hard for Amy today to do that, but wanted to get back to you and those there. It is hard to know when to talk sometimes--whether it is ok or not or to even say anythying or not. Lots of time, I and some others just be quiet and only say very little in certtain times or places and usually try not to say things, unless the 2 youngest ones are out and they are just more playful and wanta joke around kinda. Sorry it has been hard and confusing for you, J, and maybe some others with this. Please share to let everyone know that it is ok to talk with us. Believe that everyone knows about you all.
So far, none of us here that I have ever know of have a set time to come out. It is exactly the opposite and agree with you that it is not where it can be controlled. That is a lot of the problem with DID. had alters come out and do all kind of the things they like/want to do whenever. learned to eventually try best to hide it that I didn't know about it when I came back to myself and found myself anywhere with who ever--even people examinging us over us. then try to remain calm when they ask us why we have been doing such and such and so on....also try to hide it when come back to self and all of a sudden you are there --it is shocking and have no idea what has been going on or for any idea how long but try to hide that all and try to figure out how to just play along with situatioin of whatever seems to be happening at that time until can get away from there safely without them knowing any more than they might have had any idea of but really don't know what they were doing or thinking during the time. hope that helps J, and the others that may be there. may not know the right answers for this but know what have had to do lots of times.
hope that you, J, and some others get to be feeling less depressed and having to isolate to be alright. Know how so much it is to feel like that and do that and have done that a lot...very much a lot. Sad you, J, and some others feel so depressed and worried lots. it is hard for sure. So much also understand how you, J, and maybe others also, feel like you are a bad person. I still feel that way most of the time and have to fight it. some of our alters also agree and will argue and fight about how bad Amy really is...will not listen to anything else. Wish you did not feel like this too. it is we have learned from good therapist part of how people feel from what has happend to them and how usually people with DID feel and lots of others feel this too in life with other systems. know this does not help you, J, but, hope you know you are not alone. J and the others, you all matter to Amy and to the rest. I /we care when you feel depressed, feel bad, feel horrible, and so much more.
I am here today for a change. Others were out for a few days. it has been a big problem that went on and brought out all for days. Even Kirk, our protector, was so upset over it that he went and sat in a corner all by himself for almost 2 days. the rest were frantic for a while. Even 8 came out in chatroom, and knew had to leave, and got out of there. I was with some of them, but, usually way in back, and sometimes not there--hope makes sense. We all talked some on Penzu, our place for us here at home where we can all come out and be what we want to be as long as we keep 2 youngest ones from going into the street and playing. but, all of us, even me, Amy, have been so very upset for a few days. Will try to tell you about it and why but, not now. Gotta keep Amy here now and have Amy go to bank and dentist to straighten out mess and start on getting info from dentist office. Amy needs to be one in doing that ....hope after all this that Amy can stay until and be there for tomorrow morining.
Nice J, and others who may be there for you to write to Amy and us. Bye for now.
@Amelia2324 Hey :) Thank you for your reply. There's never any pressure to reply and there's nothing to be sorry for ok? I'm sorry things have been so upsetting for everyone there and I hope things can calm down and get more peaceful for all of you and that whats needed to be done today got done with Amy present for it
It is nice to know I'm not alone with dealing with these things but I am so very sorry that you're all dealing with it too and I wish it was easier for all of us
Sorry this is short - can't seem to keep the thoughts around today - You'll all be in our thoughts though and we send good vibes to everyone
J
Thank you for your kind messages means a lot and kindness like that lifts your spirit even through the dark times sending love and hugs x
@kez1981
Than you kez!
Sending you tons of kind hugs to help you through your dark times. 
🤗🤗
