Falling Apart with So Much
Hi falling apart I can so get what your saying I too find so many things in my life that I think what the hell why am I feeling like this I too was abused and affects me in all aspects of my life I just take one day at a time see where things go and if life is overwhelming me with the things I cannot talk about too where do you go I've tried talking therapy just made me worse I'm on medications to support me throughout my life so much conflict inside its a whirlpool is it constant reminders talking is good for getting emotions out I found but dealing with the deep rooted stuff I try to keep buried and everyone says need to get it all out I'm not so sure as can lose control and not feel grounded anymore we hurt so deep inside afraid to show our real selves I'm the most kind hearted lovely person to others but I'm the ice queen towards myself I'll do anything for others but I won't give me the time of day the minute I've to talk about my life in depth I struggle so I keep a feelings journal and use my words through poetry things can get dark but I just keep writing even if all night to get the feelings out and if the time comes and I feel mentally numb to life I have things I can pass on safely to let others know but people that no just all about gossip others like i trust and only want to help without questions just be there help me back up read my stuff understand me that way and build me back up safely but not to enter that darkness in me I have a lot to give but I find it very difficult to receive I'm always asked if you talk to someone who feels the same way as you how would you help the person I can say and do all the natural things to help another person but I cannot see what others see in me I focus on making life better for others why can't I do the same for me I'm like you do anything for someone else and I'm happy at least I have that kind listener within me it might change towards me who knows but I just plod on best I can thank you for sharing sending positive vibes your way I'm so glad I came across this app life can be so hard and we need a safe place to express ourselves.
@kez1981
hugs kez, if this is ok for here. I understand all you so nicely wrote about. It all makes so much sense. I also write when I feel it and I do it in a safe place, not on here. I agree that is easier to write about things inside of us. but, just so you know, I so much understand all you have written back, all you have said and it all is so real and is reality. I wish that I could say more to you now. Thanks kindly, kez.
@kez1981
Sweet friend @kez1981.
I'll not go into the discussion here, but I do have a question for you. Why do you not use full stop or comma in your sentences - it would be easier to read. (Others at 7Cup do the same in their writing).
All the best.
Helga.
Your so welcome and thanks for your kindness and reply means a lot I'm always told your not a alone get a grip but until you go through these rubbish things no one can purely understand its not that we don't want to move on we are so stuck in life and the only thing that makes sense is helping others I said to my family you will never know what really went on in my life even my mum doesn't know everything and she's like the best person in my life and I adore her more than life it's self I hate when people say oh the past is in the past all I say to that is yes I'm a survivor but my heads not and they don't know what to say lol I do my best to my ability it's maybe not good to live for others and that's not ideal but it's keeping me here that's all that matters as it's difficult to live for me and you know what its how I can deal with it all I know what's wrong with me and I don't have to explain myself daily I answer to myself I have lovely friends gosh people you think why have you chosen me but there for me no matter how bad things get and understand and don't judge on my choice to never be in a relationship I can't miss what I've never had and at my mental health respite place I go to for breaks we learn see me I'm a person not a lable I work on me everyday I like myself a little bit but being pushed to love myself that's too far and I get we are told before you can love another you have to love yourself but that's not my moto just take one step at a time and what will be will be does that make sense no pressure just my own little path being made my precious little bundle hunter who is my new cat he gives the best hugs and accepts me for me it's not that easy out there inside is my safe heaven due to what I've been through I've landed up with physical disabilities and that is hard to accept alone I've always tried to fit in be who everyone wants but now I'm just being me sending you hugs back .
@kez1981
Hey Kez,
I get what you are saying about caring for others, but, not having to love ourselves to be able to do that. I also live to take care of others and I do not love or like myself one bit. It is nice of you that you like to take care of others, Kez. It does give us some meaning to our life. Your cat must be nice for you. :-) It is nice to have a good pet that you love, as long as no one is there to torture and kill it. I'm glad you love your pet and it is safe with you. 
I'm hate that you also have some phyysical disabilities. That does add a lot of extra things to deal with into the mix. I have some also, and understand. I hope that you are able to be where you can deal well enough with yours. I also hope you don't get anymore. It is very nice to hear from you, Kez. You struggle with lots. It is hard when there is so much in our heads to deal with all the time. It really, really is.
Praying for us all. I too am falling apart. Severe childhood abuse, sexual assault, bulling, sexual harassment, etc my list seems endless. In therapy on meds trying to function best I can. Medical ailments, painful ones all that goes with this very trying time/ decade of realization and facing it all. It's so helpful to hear others are going thru stuff too and my reactions and struggles are similar to others and I'm not defective. I feel defective. It's so nice to have ppl to talk to here. Thx to you both for sharing ...it helps 💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92
ABB,
No, you are definitely not defective at all. You sure have been through quite an extensive time of things to have to deal with. It does and will take time with all of that, with the proper care and treatment. Thank you for praying for us all. I hope I also can remember to pray for us all also, when I get through. You are for sure not alone. We have a lot in common in what we have been through. I hope things do get better for you. Just do the best you can each day is all I can say. Some days are better than others. But, we understand you and you are cared about.
@Amelia2324....thanks for your kind words of encouragement. Your correct some days are better than others. I think I'll be working on my self for a long time....I had alot of denial and beat myself up for that ...improving from 3 years ago. Stuff happens, causes that backwards slide. I just some how keep getting back up.. I thank you for saying I'm not defective. It's difficult to see sometimes because of all the hurt.... ABB 💜🙏
@amiableBlackberry92
HI ABB,
I believe we all, that are dealing with the things you and the rest of us are, are going to have some days better than others--just part of it. I'm glad to know that you have been improving from 3 years ago. You are so right that stuff does happen and backwards we go! It is great that you are continuing to get back upl That is very important. It sure is difficult to NOT see lots of times, what you call feeling, "defective." I usually call myself by a lot more, "defective," words and it comes and goes for me also. Today, my younger alters were out and they were very scared, then, lots of us were feeling many of your, "defective," feelings out us. You and lots of us here have been through so much and it is just going to take time to heal, in a good place with good qualified help. You are definitely NOT defective ABB! Love ya
Oh man - same 😞 it feels like I'm losing what's left of my mind and nothing is getting any better. I thought it would but for everything that's there - there's dozens more standing behind it. It seems endless
I'm sorry you're all dealing with everything you are and I wish you all peace - even if its just a moment's worth
Be gentle with yourselves
@mytwistedsoul
Hi, is it J that is there today? Hey to who all is here and nice to see you all again
I love how you summed it ll up so well in your begtinning paragraph. You said it so well that we need to put that as a banner up somewhere around here for lots of us!
All of this is so real and so very hard to deal with and does seem to keep coming and coming at us. I hope that you and the others find some peace sometimes also. You are right that every little bit of peace we all can get is such a good thing!!!!
Hugs and so very hapy to see you all. Amy and the rest, but, not Kirk.
@Amelia2324 Hey :) yeah this is J. Thank you for your reply. It's nice to see you all again too. We hope you're all doing ok
Um - please tell Kirk that we understand and respect his position and from me that if our presence is causing trouble or friction - we can stay away from your personal threads - I mean it'll kind of suck but we don't want to cause trouble - ok?
Hugs and hellos from most here :)
Thank you for your kind messages means a lot and kindness like that lifts your spirit even through the dark times sending love and hugs x
@kez1981
Than you kez!
Sending you tons of kind hugs to help you through your dark times. 
🤗🤗
