My isolated life

@430

Hello there @430, sorry to hear you feel so low, sounds like painful.

I hope you would consider to increase your socialization in steps now that you feel the need of it. It's never too late.

Maybe to talk with a listener about the anxiety you feel would help you becoming aware of the reasons for it, in order to cope and help it with an useful strategy.

Best wishes ❤️

Hello there!

First of all I can say I can relate. I have regrets in my life. Some of them are related to social events. I can be a shy person so there are definitely social encounters that I missed out on because of my inability to open up in social settings.

I can’t relate to the not doing anything with my life part. Because I do a lot. Staying busy and doing a lot is my thing. I have to stay focused.

Anyway my point is here is to show you in some ways I can relate and in others I can’t. And what I would do is ask myself every single time I make a decision from here on out - is this helping me or hurting me? Am I falling into old patterns? If I do the same thing that I always do I will be the same place that I always was right? So for me big steps are terrifying and unreachable. When I get overwhelmed I tend to just back out entirely. I find it more manageable to make small baby steps of improvement. Once you take small steps you will feel more in control and then progress will just naturally happen as long as you continue to put yourself out there.

“I have spent most of my life hiding from the world and living in a state of anxiety. I never did anything with my life. I had worked for just a few years and did not have children. Now I am filled with regret. I have no friends and very little family. I have no life experience. I don’t know how to do anything. I am afraid that I will die alone and unloved.”

one thing at a time here. I understand you have anxiety holding you back. When you have anxiety, ask yourself how is this helping you, take a couple breaths, real in your focus, play a soothing song and re focus. Then ask yourself how practical your thoughts are. Is what you are thinking really real or is it just you getting worked up about what could happen but probably won’t. If it has the potential to be real- what can you do about it? If it’s not then it’s just your anxiety acting up and you can re check in with yourself and go ok I got worked up ab something that’s not going to happen and then just move forward.

The thing about anxiety is it traps you! You often just have to go yup this is scary AF but I am going to do it anyway and push through the fear and once you do it once, and then again and then again, the anxiety starts to go away and you feel like it’s manageable because you aren’t as afraid because you’ve done it before.
Ok next, you say you haven’t done anything with your life and maybe feel guilt, shame, regret, some other negative feelings as you compare yourself to other peers. One I would say is everyone. Their own path in life. The grass is always greener on the other side. Some people who have done a lot feel bad also, some people have done a lot in life because they will never live up the pressure of their parents. Some people over achieved because they had bums as parents and could only rely on themselves, so you never really know their story so stop comparing, stop dwelling on who you were and start imagining things that you want to do. Make a plan for your future. Make a vision. That’s really hard to do at first but you can take baby steps by joining certain groups. I know I like hiking so certain outdoor stores offer meet up groups that get other people who like to hike together and the you go - there are lots of meet up programs online depending on what you like to do. So I would begin by signing up for some kind of group activity like a gym or a class at a gym or a yoga class or a cooking class or a church program (I am also involved in that). Then once you start meeting people and trying things you will find more and more things you enjoy and the answers will become more clear to you as you progress. The thing is you’ll never find the answers if you stay stuck. So put yourself out there just do it. In small steps. Commit to it. Start with one activity once or twice a week.

by Joining an activity you will gain friends, social networking and cool new hobbies.

ok next, children? Children are NOT the end all, be all. Again everyone has their own story, some people have messed up relationships even with kids. Unless in your heart you always knew you wanted to be a parent and if that’s the case, start be active in dating or date someone with the same visions and goals as you. You don’t have to have kids unless that’s your vision in life! Plenty of people do not have kids and have great lives, great careers, cool pets, whatever, your life is yours to make what you want of it.

next life experience and knowing how to do stuff just comes with not being afraid to put yourself out there and be kind of dumb and embarrassed at the beginning and then you learn and grow and develop so the only way to gain that is to muster up the courage and go put yourself out there even though it’s scary. Jump right in, join something, take an online course or go for a walk. Just get out there!

Next, again, by putting yourself out there and making connections you will find like minded people and probably stop feeling like you live a life alone. Who knows though, I am surrounded by people and still get lonely. So it’s not always about knowing a lot of people but at least you will begin to form connections and from there you can choose who to deepen your relationships with. Also I always love by the rule if you want a friend be a friend. So if you feel alone, think of how you can be a resource for other people. For example, maybe bring cookies to your neighbors for the holidays or call up someone you know and ask them how they are doing or tip well next time you get a coffee. Small acts of kindness make other people happy and when you are a friend to other people they tend to come through when you need them. If you continue to isolate you will not form those bonds.

I read this might be a 50 and over chat somewhere - I have no way of knowing anyones age but I know my parents and my grandparents enjoy the senior center. Is there a senior center in your area that you can volunteer at or take classes at? Or a town center or a library! Those are all wonderful resources to get involved and engaged in the community no matter what age!