Not a Good Night

Hi everyone,

I'm not exactly sure why I'm here. I'm really such an introvert and am not the type of person who feels comfortable in groups. I've always hated writing too, it's just hard for me.

I've had depression and anxiety since childhood. I've tried therapy. It seems to me that one really needs to find the right fit in order for it to be helpful. And there's really no way to do that in the system we have other than trail and error. I've tried medication as well.

Throughout much of my adult life I've had one or two close friends. For the past decade I've had zero close friends. I wasn't mature enough to have close romantic relationships and I always knew they weren't right so I never married. No kids. I'm so devastated about this now but I knew I couldn't be a great mother at the time. I don't think people should have kids, or pets, if they're not able to love them and care for them well. I've been on one date in the past decade and I'm not sure I really want to go on any. There is nothing clearly "wrong" with me. I'm on the smart side although I can be super dense at times. I used to be considered pretty. Still am really, for my age anyway. I think I'm nice. But people aren't generally interested in standoffish people. They like super friendly, outgoing people even if they're insincere jerks. Maybe it's just because it's easier. Yes ....I'm bitter about it.

I'm literally becoming a hermit now. As I get older I'm struggling more and more with loneliness. Sometimes it barely bothers me. But almost daily it's starting to feel overwhelmingly awful. I feel almost completely isolated from the rest of the world. And I'm losing hope that I'll be able to connect with anyone. The types of relationships and connections I had when I was younger were flawed. Family included. I am losing, or have lost, everybody. I'm trying to start a business from home. Sometimes I don't talk to anyone or leave the house for days at a time.

The person that has been most consistently in my life is my sister. We're only one year apart. When we were growing up we moved all the time. I attended maybe nine schools before I graduated high school and we kind of had to fend for ourselves much of the time. We had a close but complicated relationship. Over the past decade I've come to the conclusion that maybe I never saw her very clearly. I hate the way she treats her husband, her children, me and any other family members she sees regularly. She's either overly nice or mean and manipulative. She's incredibly inconsistent and unpredictable. She does not act this way in public. She's overly nice to any acquaintances. I feel like her teens could be doing so much better if she wasn't so intrusive. Her main concern is their popularity. She loves to discuss what social events they've been invited to and then have them list who wasn't invited and why. She knows all sorts of personal info about their friends. I'm not doing the best job of explaining the situation but I feel really bad for her kids. Her daughter espcially is not doing well. I'm sure most people would say it's none of my business. But it makes me angry and sad. It's hard to be around and I'm horrible at pretending like things aren't happening. Family only gets together at her house. She won't go to anyone elses. So she basically dictates when we all get together.

I think I'm going to have to stop seeing her altogether. But then I'll no longer be able to see her kids. And less time with other family members too. I spent a lot of time with her son when he was younger. I spent almost a decade driving my nephew to his sports practices. My sister loved going to his games but she couldn't commit to taking him to practices so I did it. I miss him. He went back to college today. I rarely see him anymore.

Sometimes relationships with the people around you are too difficult and dysfunctional. They cause more pain than they're worth and it's better to be alone. Maybe I'm expecting too much but I don't think so. It's so confusing. I keep losing people. And it can become harder and harder to meet new people as you get older.