Estrangement
Anyone dealing with an adult child who is distancing them so elves due to their relationship or politics or general covid unhappiness situations? Feeling alone.
Themselves ^^ sorry for autocorrect.
@timetomove64 yes. I have an adult child that is distancing themselves from me. I think it is due to their menal illness and just general need to be angry and blame someone instead of themselves. The distancing can seem to be a blessing or a curse depending on whats going on in my life, but in truth, this adult child is just trying to grow up and doing it the best way they can ( although it sux for our relationship. )
Have you always been aware of a mental illness? I wondered with the anger and change of behavior (past 5years..) it could be less of the boyfriend and maybe something needing diagnosing. She has started an anti depressant. But the anger on social media seems to be Increasing? But mainly political leaders in nature and that’s part of our society it seems. You’re right. The guilt I feel sometimes with the distance is overwhelming. But necessary to breathe...
@timetomove64
Yup but I think there's light at the end of this tunnel.
Long story short, first time I heard anything about the new bf was after they'd been kicked out of their living situation but he was allowed back without her. She said go, so he did. She was homeless, couch surfing with friends, heartbroken and crying on the phone with me about it and I said some harsh things about him: weak people will always take the easiest way out was probably the least offensive.
Predictably, they got back together. I knew better than to bad mouth the ex because when they reunite it's gonna be super awkward forever. And it was.
They actually moved in with me for about 3 months and it was AWFUL A few days after they arrived, I learned that she wasn't on BC and flipped my sh*t. There was a brutal conversation with both of them about responsibility and bringing a kid into a situation where they didn't have jobs or money or any prospects and how was that fair to anyone? He was clueless about how the real world works but she knew better.
I couldn't make myself like him, the best I couold do was cold politeness, and he avoided me as much as possible. They left as soon as they had the $$ to do so. She went very low contact after that, occasional texts was the extent of our communication for years and I was the one who initiated most. I tried to respect her boundaries and limited myself to "how are you doing?" texts about once a month or so. I'd only ask about the bf if she brought him up first.
She's currently looking for a place of her own. I knew she'd want more from a partner but she had to get there on her own. It took 8 years.
My take-away: do not speak ill of the partner/politics/whatever is causing the divide. Keep the lines of communication open and if you're unsure if you're overstepping or being a pest, ask about their boundaries & expectations and respect them scrupulously. You have to demonstrate your maturity and willingness to accept them exactly as they are despite the pain in your heart. Grant them the space to learn and grow.
Work on your own issues but keep that between yourself and your therapist/listener/friends/partner. It's ok to admit to your kid(s) that you may have messed up as a parent. We all did and mostly it's because there's no manual and we had to do our best with the tools we had, even if those tools are jacked up because our parents had issues, too.
I feel your pain and wish you healing and peace.
You’re so right. Thank you for your candor. I have admitted my failings and he uses it to reinforce our “abusive” tendencies-bit I will take it to reunite with her. Great advice. I have a son-direct opposite of her-and the three of us are trying to go forward and accept and wait. He lets us know we weren’t failures. Just trying best we knew. Sometimes it gets me so down. I just wanted nothing but a happy family since as long as I can remember. Which is part of my issue. Not admitting this is normal. Perfection isn’t possible
@Katbtrying552
" there's no manual and we had to do our best with the tools we had, even if those tools are jacked up because our parents had issues, too."
Well said!
@InquireWithin. Right? Helps so much
Idk if this helps but I’m the adult child who has distanced myself from my family. I do it because I never had a family , locked out/abused so I ran away dropped everybody. I am 31 now married have kids, haven’t seen my family in over 10yrs. My family gives me panic attacks just hearing their voices.
Oh I’m so sorry. I hear that. I’m glad you’ve been able to move on and find a healthy relationship and love and safety.
I am that child & i m getting bitter day by day feeling that noone really loves or cares about what i m going through mentally for long time
@honestHickory1563. I'm so sorry. Did you pull away from family? Or vice versa. I care what you're going through.
