Marriage breakup

@AnthonyTopping1234

My wife of 30 years says she doesn't love or respect me any more .We have been arguing lately about stupid things but she brings up every row we've had saying I never loved her.Every day I tell her I love her since we married.We rent our home so can't afford to move elsewhere.I also have 2 autistic adult son's at home.My wife said I've treated her like a doormat her doing household jobs but I had to go to work I help in the evening and weekends if I'm not working.I stupidly asked if she was seeing someone else and she went crazy now won't even acknowledge me saying I've destroyed her . Said sorry but she's not interested say s she can turn her feelings of doesn't bother her not speakingI asked about moving out she said she was quite happy with this situation ie not speaking not touching basically nothing .She is stubborn some silly arguments could last for days but this is something else.I need advice I really love her but she won't let me in to show her

I am so sorry you're going through this difficult situation. Seeing a long term marriage/relationship disintegrate is incredibly painful for everyone involved. Your wife sounds like she's reached the end of her rope between caring for the home and your sons and has turned the blame on you. Having special needs children, even as adults, is an terrible strain on a everyone.

You asked for advice so here it is: Acknowledge her pain and frustration. Own your mistakes and apologize. (I know she's making mistakes too but you're trying to get her to talk to you and ponting out her failings will NOT help that to happen.) Try to find a time and space where you both are rested, well fed, and not likely to be interrupted and carefully, respectfully ask what she needs to be a happier person. Maybe that's respite care for the kids, maybe it's a concerted effort on your part to engage with the care for the home and kids, maybe she just needs a real break from everything and thinks that bailing is her only option.

Be prepared to hear some harsh things if she's been bottling up her feelings. Try to not get angry or defensive: you're trying to HEAR her. But if she gets abusive or cruel, you can ask for a break until the emotions are less volatile.

The point is that she likely needs to be HEARD and UNDERSTOOD in ways you haven't considered. Her shutting down would seem to indicate that she doesn't feel HEARD by you, so why bother? You will want to learn about active listening and apply those skills to your wife every time she expresses herself. The crux of active listening means you pay close attention to what is said, how it is said, and you do not interrupt or start formulating your response in your head. Then you check your understanding by repeating or paraphrasing what you heard and asking if you got it right. If not, start over and listen actively again. Repeat until your wife agrees you understand what she has said. (This may take some time if she has difficulty expressing feelings or is bitter over feeling unheard.) Thank her for her patience while you learn this new skill and express how important it is to you that she feels heard and you value what she has shared.

Most people listen by waiting for the talker to stop, then respond with their own point of view. This disregards what was said and makes the talker feel as if you haven't HEARD them.

Once the two of you learn how to express feelings and concerns appropriately and learn to HEAR each other, actual progress in repairing the relationship can be made. Or perhaps you will realize that the marriage can't be saved but you will know in your heart you gave it your best try and have a communication skill that will serve you in all relationships.

And don't go saying old dogs can't learn new tricks because they sure as heck can and so can you if you want to save your marriage.

Best wishes for you and your family.