Where Does "Unhealthy Perfectionism" Come From?
A new study published in the Journal of Research in Personality explains how unhealthy levels of perfectionism pass from parent to child.
Long-time collaborators and lead authors of the research, Martin M. Smith and Simon Sherry from the University of British Columbia and the University of Dalhousie, respectively, landed on the topic of perfectionism and parenthood after conducting multiple prior studies suggesting that perfectionism, in most cases, does more psychological harm than good.
“In my practice as a clinical psychologist, I see young adults pushed and criticized by demanding parents to the point of making those young adults mentally ill,” says Sherry. “In fact, a family environment characterized by parental criticism and demands is an incubator for perfectionism and illness in children.”
According to the authors, perfectionism can be thought of as having three distinct aspects:
- Self-oriented perfectionism, or the tendency to demand perfection of the self
- Other-oriented perfectionism, or the tendency to demand perfection from other people
- Socially prescribed perfectionism, or the tendency to believe that other people demand you to be perfect
The researchers found that parental criticism — which is a critical and punitive parenting style where children never do well enough and parents react negatively to their children's mistakes — pushes children toward higher levels of socially prescribed perfectionism while parental expectations — which describes parents’ lofty and unrealistic standards for their children — generally pushes children toward higher levels of self-oriented, other-oriented, and socially prescribed perfectionism.
Perfectionism, according to the researchers, derives from a myriad of different factors. Biological factors include genetics and temperament. One’s relationships with family, friends, teachers, and other socialization agents also matter. There are also societal and cultural pressures for perfection. And, to make things even more complicated, the authors note that all of these levels impact each other.
The authors offer the following advice for parents who might be inadvertently pushing their children towards perfection:
- Try to communicate to your child that you value them not only based on what they do but who they are
- Strive to be less controlling, critical, and overprotective of children
- Teach children to tolerate and learn from their mistakes
- Finally, emphasize hard work and discipline over the pursuit of perfection
*This article really stuck out to me because I definitely see myself as a perfectionist and I've always been my worst critic, especially when it comes to school. I remember being around 7 or 8 and I used to beat myself up when I got honor roll instead of principal's list. It wasn't healthy and I definitely still do it to this day. The thing is, I'm not sure where I got it. My parents were always pretty gentle on me and encouraged me to just do my best. I guess I was the one who always pushed myself."
Do you describe yourself as a perfectionist? Where do you believe it stemmed from? What are some ways you can be gentler with yourself?
#Perfectionism #Parenting #SelfCriticism
Link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202203/where-does-unhealthy-perfectionism-come
@fruityPond7887
I'm a fellow perfectionist too, ironic because some of the things in my life are far from perfect XD. This article really highlights that it can really come from anywhere including indirectly. I think my parents placed high, but reasonable expectations on me growing up. I think it was me who internalized it into being someone who strived for perfection. It's a very self-critical way to live and can honestly be exhausting. I think something that helps me be more easier on myself is learning through mistakes, understanding that mistakes and rejections are not a reflection on who I am as a person.
@sunnyWriting4806 Exactly! I always was the hardest on myself and it's so tiring. The amounts of breakdowns I had in college was ridiculous and I had to learn the hard way that obtaining perfect scores was not possible nor necessary. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I think it's important to realize that we can't always have everything perfect.
I relate to this a lot..... Especially what u said like my parents are soo gentle they like never really put any pressure rather they would be like it's okay if u fail..... It is me who puts such an enormous amount of pressure on myself....
@navyPlane639 I told understand navyPlane! I don't know what it is that causes us to put so much pressure on ourselves, but it really is exhausting. I hope you are able to be gentle with yourself and remember that everything will be okay! You are doing great! 💞
@fruityPond7887
I like the idea of emphasizing hard work and discipline over perfection and the ability to learn from mistakes.
Do you describe yourself as a perfectionist? Where do you believe it stemmed from? What are some ways you can be gentler with yourself?
I often strive for perfection. I think it stemmed from the fact that sometimes I failed the exam despite that I put in all the hard work I could. My peers would pass even when they studied only very little in advance. Now, I am working so hard and do not allow myself much rest. I feel like I need to know the whole book by heart to pass the exam and then I feel extremely stressed when I cannot finish rehearsing everything on time or when I rehearse it only once.
@globalBraid3744 I am the exact same way! My peers would be able to pass an exam with flying colors without studying barely at all and it frustrated me to no end. I would study and cry and get so stressed out and then my score wouldn't even reflect my work. I did learn though that hard work is what gets us through life. My peers won't be able to rely on pure intellect forever. It's important to try not to compare yourself to others, but I know that's very difficult.
@fruityPond7887
I have learned how not to compare to others, however, it feels frustrating to not see the effect of hard work that you put into something, regardless of others. Overall, I think it is a good thing to be responsible and persistent and I believe that eventually, the hard work pays off in areas other than grades.
@globalBraid3744 It definitely does :) I really do believe passion and persistence are half of the game!
@fruityPond7887 I feel like whenever I have to do some work, I have to do it perfect or I think it's not worth submitting if it isn't perfect. I'm so thankful now that I've changed my mindset about 'perfection'. Perfection is a standard that doesn't exist and I realized I don't want to waste time chasing it. Lovely article!
@comfortableNight4463 I definitely agree! Some things can never be perfect and I think that having this thought process that something needs to be perfect before we submit it can actually make our quality worse. We get so stressed out about it, that we never get anything done. Thanks for your reply!
@fruityPond7887 Exactly. And much time is spent even after I finish the project when I could have started the next!
@comfortableNight4463 Oh, I'm sure! It's so hard to move on to the next project when you are still worried about what you could've potentially made better on the previous project!
@fruityPond7887 Exactly!
oh. I like this thread. good article.
I denied my perfectionist instinct for a very long time because I am completely and totally disorganized in life. however, when it comes to work and school everything is going to be perfect or it will not be. for a long time I definitely didn't understand why it may be a bad thing because it's always the "blow off" answer for that what's your strength and weakness job interview question. this article is awesome and the types of perfectionism reasons are getting the brain dots to connect.
it's a shame it's fun to be perfect - just gotta learn to not beat myself up over it.
@sadsally I totally agree with you on using perfectionism during interviews 😂 I always say it's a weakness because I became too hard on myself and it becomes unhealthy. I am in the same boat as you and you're not alone!
@sadsally I was the same with my grades. And now, I'm working on changing my mindset about their importance. I'm actively trying to give less importance to my grades.
@comfortableNight4463 I was in the same boat in college. It's so hard not to beat yourself up if you are in that habit, but college is hard!! We can't always get the scores that we want and that's okay! You still get the degree regardless if you have straight A's or not and college is more than just studying all the time!
