Can People Really Change? A Couples' Therapist Debunks A Big Relationship Myth (Part 1)

Why we believe the myth that people can't change:

1. Old brain/new brain

The belief that growth, learning, and change happen only in children is still hanging around and influences our expectations of what is possible. Often what we mean when we say that people don't change is that we do not expect people to continue growing and learning past a certain age.

One of the most important facts we have from the neuroscience of the past decades is that our brains are constantly being reshaped by experience, right into our seventh and eighth decades of life.

This expectation that we stop learning and changing is both wrong and a recipe for unhappiness. George Vaillant, in his famous 60-year study of adult development, found that happiness and health in adults were correlated with learning and growth.

2. Narrow ideas of who we are

How often have you labeled someone, yourself included, with a particular characteristic? "He's so kind," or "I'm just not spontaneous," or "She's very controlling."

In fact, we all have a myriad of ways of being. Who we "are" depends on many factors, including tendencies we were born with, the various situations we find ourselves in and on deliberate choices we make to develop certain qualities.

Part of the power of love and commitment is how these relationships bring out the best in us and provide the extra motivation we need to transcend our struggles with selfishness and sloth. We often learn to do things that are hard because someone we love needs us to.

3. Not understanding how we change

Couples are often pessimistic about change when they have been trying, sometimes for a long time, to make changes and have not succeeded. They often arrive at my door very discouraged.

As with anything in life, succeeding depends on trying with the right methods. No matter how many times you try to shoe a horse using an egg, you will never succeed. Furthermore, concluding that the lack of success means that there is something wrong with either the egg or the horse would be a serious misinterpretation of the results of the experiment.

Source: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/can-people-change-in-relationships

What changes would you make for someone you love?

#Love #Change #Personality

Click here for part 2!