Working with someone with ADHD
Hello people.
I am going to start with a bit of a background here. I have a friend who has ADHD and she lives in different countries. So the only way we can communicate is through video calls. She wants us to work together because I have the knowledge and the skills in graphic design. At first, I didn't know that she had ADHD, but now I do and have read and learned more about it.
I taught her things and sent her some websites where she could sell her art. She also does some photography. The way we work is she sent me some art/photos, I edit it and make it look nicer. And then I send it back so she can sell it on some website. Sometimes when we video call, the moment I see her, I can see her agitated by something that doesn't have anything to do with me. I am more introverted and I don't talk much. When I see her agitated, I tend to stay silent and just stand there where she can see me on the video call. I am afraid if I say something, she will be mad even more. When I asked if she's angry with me, she said no but her tone says otherwise.
Because I keep being silent, she told me that it's not working together that way. And that I am not taking this work project seriously. I admit that it hurts a bit when she told me that. Even though this project means so much to me. When we talk about something else, we are happy and laughing. But when it comes to this work project, it feels like we are going in circles and ended up arguing. I asked her to do something and give her one or two days to do it and she can't even commit to it. I would ask her simple yes or no question but then she would tell these long stories that took too much time. In the end, I forgot what I was asking and what we were doing. Today I feel like I should give up on this work project even though I don't want to. I really want this to work. I also think that maybe it's better if we are just friends and not a work partner.
So I am asking for any suggestions on how I can make this work. How I can be a better work partner for her. Thank you.
@johndoe1994 As a person who was both ADHD and Autism, I have something to say. I think you should let your friend do what she want on the project and when your friend asks you for help, you should stop being quiet and actually your friend. Ask her what she needs. You know. Also, to answer this simple question, even though I've had experience with ADHD, it still took me a while to think of a good response and answer it, similar to how simple yes or no questions for your friend can feel like a deep philosophical discussion.
@ajfdslsdvosdfjlbgrdjhrogt Thank you for your response and the suggestion. I did that, actually. I always ask her what she wants me to do and how can I help. Sometimes her answer would be this long story till I forgot what was the question. Then I asked a simple yes or no question, and again she would go on this long story. I tried to cut her off sometimes and remind her of my question, so we could stay on the topic. Then we would end up arguing.
If you don't mind me asking. How can I be the best work partner for someone with ADHD?
As you've noticed, people with ADHD inattentive behaviours can struggle to stay focused on one thing, and tend to go in many directions or chase after new opportunities without tying up loose ends. People with ADHD hyperactive behaviours can fidget a lot, look around, move in their chair or get up at random moments. From my own experience, I don't even realise I'm being hyperactive until somebody points it out, so it may be that she doesn't realise that you're reacting to her behaviour by staying silent.
It sounds like you two would probably benefit from some additional open communication. It's likely that she knows that her issues with deadlines are unhelpful and might already be feeling ashamed or unhappy about it. It's a guess on my part, but this might explain the change in her mood/attitude around work - no matter how kind and accommodating you are to your friend, some things are going to be difficult. ADHD is disabling, and even if your friend seems very enthusiastic and able to focus on some things, this isn't going to be the case universally. As with working with any person with a disability, there is an amount of compromise and teamwork involved, which you've been doing already.
If you can, I would recommend mentioning again (non-judgementally, if possible) that you've noticed you're on different pages in terms of what's happening in calls and the pace you're getting work done at, and asking her if she would be okay to workshop a solution with you. As an idea (she might have others), you could suggest intermediate deadlines - this is something that works for me. I get people to check in on me during the day to make sure I'm doing what I've agreed on, and that I haven't forgotten or become overwhelmed.
As you've observed, sometimes people with ADHD overexplain, especially when talking, since we can't always keep track of what we've already said and we worry that there might be a lack in clarity. To combat this, I usually like to do a mix of written and verbal communication. I don't know if you've tried writing an agenda/minutes for your work video calls, but that might be helpful for keeping everything on track. It sounds like you two have different workstyles, which could be a challenge, but I hope that you can figure out a way to highlight both of your strengths and find a way to make it work! Feel free to reply/message if you have any questions ✨
@johndoe1994 Oh, and your solution should be collaborative! If it only comes from her side, I think you will continue to feel frustrated and unsure about your work partnership. It sounds like you need structure, so you should feel free to advocate for this
@heartfulFireworks6465 This is the solution that I am looking for. Thank you so much for helping. :)
@johndoe1994 hiii, fellow ADHD peer here. We may have our moods and stuff, but you are not obligated to tolerate it. You are allowed to set a boundary if it is draining you and tell us what you need from us. The thing is. If you have to walk around her on eggshells, it is not good for your mental health and you don't need to set yourself on fire to keep her warm. You can be kind and still not let someone walk all over you. Now onto the actual how to deal with this:
- First of all. I would suggest you move the questions to email form. That way, she can think about her answers and you won't loose track of what you need but she also won't feel like you shut her up. You can even send her a text saying hey, I sent you some stuff on mail where I need your input, please check it when you have a moment and send me the stuff I need. Thank you. The point is for it to not be in an app that is a chatting one where you reply in real time or she will take you on a thought trip again.
- second of all, does she pay you for the work you do for her or is it something you do out of kindness? Because if she doesn't pay you, stop giving her due dates. Just do it when she sends you something, you are not her parent and she is responsible for herself and her own stuff. If she pays you and you need the due dates, start giving a negative consequence for not keeping it. Didn't sent me when I told you? Sorry dear, you need to wait until I'm done with what I'm currently doing. We are urgency and interest motivated and urgency often means consequences of not doing the thing that we want to avoid.
- don't be a doormat when she accuses you of not taking the project seriously. Tell her kindly that you take it seriously, but you are just scared of her when she is irritated and don't want to explode her. Call out the stuff when it is happening. Do so with gentle and kind voice, using I statements but don't let her moods make you her punching bag. If she is overly emotional, tell her something like I see you are very upset right now. Let's give you a little time to calm down and regulate and we can return to this tomorrow/in the eve/later. Pause the conversation when she is getting emotional and gently push her to take a break.
- you will probably need to tell her something she won't like sooner or later, like I can't edit this right now, but will do it next week. Let her tantrum if she wants to. You have no idea how many times my brother dealt with me this way and how it helps me grow. Just ignore it. It is for her own good. We all need to be reminded sometimes that as much as people around us love us and are willing to accommodate our needs and help us out, the world doesn't revolves around us. So if she tantrums, just take a deep breath, tell yourself her feelings are her responsibility to figure out, not yours and let her deal with it on her own. Don't forget that as much as ADHD Is in need of a little accomodation, we are not porcelain dolls. There is a very fine line between help and enabling. Sadly, managing our condition is our responsibility as the adults we are and it is up to us to learn the strategies and do the work to cope with it and function with it, or get the help of a professional or do some inner work if we are not handling it. ADHD accomodation is having understanding towards us doing some stuff differently, thinking differently, having different strengths and need some extra help with some stuff, but it does not mean you have to look after us and treat us like we are a spoiled kid or excuse our bad behaviour. Also, remember that if you want to end this work relationship, it's ok. Your wellbeing matters and you can't destroy yourself for someone who is not appreciating what you do for them. 🌻