ADHD - Hyperfication or Love
I met a girl last September who I thought was interested in me romantically. I was cold and dismissive because I found her a bit ambiguous. I was afraid to express my love for her because I'm afraid of rejection. It took me two weeks to do that, and she broke up with me, saying she didn't like girls. We decided to stay friends, but I noticed that she didn't like me talking about other girls. And she liked it when I accidentally touched her hand or foot. I think that she friendzoned me because I have very high standards and maybe she thought that she'd could reach them. She even told me once to lower them and apologized afterwards. We had a fight a few months ago, after which she lost a lot of weight and became very pale. I tried to contact her, but she ghosted me. Last month we met in the library and she seemed to want to come closer, but I was cold because she's very ambiguous. I don't know what to think. She has ADHD and I'm not sure if she's just obsessed with me or if she has feelings for me. I'd really like your opinion on the matter because I'm going through a very difficult moment. I love her a lot and I don't want to lose her.
I met a girl last September who I thought was interested in me romantically. I was cold and dismissive because I found her a bit ambiguous. I was afraid to express my love for her because I'm afraid of rejection. It took me two weeks to do that, and she broke up with me, saying she didn't like girls. We decided to stay friends, but I noticed that she didn't like me talking about other girls. And she liked it when I accidentally touched her hand or foot. We had a fight a few months ago, after which she lost a lot of weight and became very pale. I tried to contact her, but she ghosted me. Last month we met in the library and she seemed to want to come closer, but I was cold because she's very ambiguous. I don't know what to think. She has ADHD and I'm not sure if she's just obsessed with me or if she has feelings for me.
Try friendship.Go slow
@Karsus
But do you think she might be interested in me romantically ?
Take a positive bet,go friendship and ask her in analogy
So id say just talk to her about it! when im dating (either men or women) im pretty straight forward and ask them. are you interested in a relationship? what kind should we strive towards? so maybe just tell her that you are comfused! tell her that you care about her but that youre not sure how to go on about this. ask her what her intentions are. basically tell her what you told us, ur honest thoughts and feelings.
everytime i catched feelings with someone i talked with them about it and how to go on about this. and tbh thats kinda the only way to know what she wants, theres no trick to read her mind. and dont go cold if you care! that will confuse her probably just as much
i wish you lots of luck!!
@jeanettx
We talked it about it. She said she doesn't like women and wanted to be friends. Nevertheless, didn't like it when I talked about other girls. Oh, without mentioning the fact that I told her that her words didn't match with her actions. And gave her some examples. Guess what she said. "You interpret a lot!!!".
She also started treating me badly. One day she even said that I was going to end up in a psychiatric hospital. When I confronted her about how she had been treating me her answer was "I thought I was clear about my intentions and sexuality". I was talking about her sexuality at all. I was talking about how she was treating me. That's why I think that this is the only card she knows to play everytime there's conflict. She doesn't know how to navigate through it. And honestly I don't care anymore. If she's straight and obsessed with me because of ADHD she still should take accountability for leading me on. I'm not delusional. I'm not making things up. So she should apologize for it. Nevertheless, I no longer care. I've realized that I'm a good person and that I deserve to be treated with respect. I want people to meet my emotional need and be able to communicate effectively, especially during times of conflict. She's toxic and I should stop catching feelings for people who are like my parents. I need better. I DESERVE better.
oh i love ur attitude!!
yes u deserve someone whos kind to you, honest, and makes you feel secure and loved!! its so imporant and you can be really proud of yourself that you were able to find out, how you want to be treated!
i think now that u know ur needs better, it probably will be easier finding the right person for u!
@jeanettx
Thank you for your replies!
The reason why I loved her was because she made me feel heard, seen, safe....but it didn't last long. I think that's also why I find it hard to detach from her. But I need to keep in mind that she's been very mean to me and I'm convinced that she's aware it. I'm tired of catching feelings for people who are as toxic as my parents. I know what my values are. I know that I'm capable of meeting others' emotional needs. I know I'm capable of giving. I'm not perfect and there's always room for improvement. But I'm a good person and want to be surrounded my good people.
oh yeah i get that, i can relate cause i was in ur position one year ago! i dated a really toxic dude and i knew exactly that he wasnt good for me anymore but i was too attached too him. and the reason was the same, he was very similar to my abusive father and i guess it was familiar so it felt right. and i also looked for the validation and everything from him that i never got from my father. that doesnt work of course, maybe short-term but thats it.
it took a while to get over him, its so important to really take ur time and allow yourself to feel all the feelings. time after time i got rid of all the stuff from him, all the pictures. the best really is to distance yourself as much as possible.
and yeah now i did get really really lucky! i have a girlfriend now and there i really was able to focus on how compatible our values amd needs are! we are very healthy and im sure you will be able to find that person too!
i hope its fitting that i tell all this, i think it would help me to see that someone else was able to finally find a healthy partner, even after only dating toxic ones! so it might help u too :)
@jeanettx
Thank you for sharing a glimpse of your story with me. I truly appreciate it.
Well, I texted her a few days ago, just to ask her to tell me the truth. I needed to know if to her I was just a friend or if she truly loved me. She blocked me.
I've decided to let go and move on. I think she has major problems and I'm convinced it has nothing to do with ADHD. I've met other ADHDers, who are actually willing to communicate. This girl has other problems.
If i were you i would Stay in the friendzone. People with ADHD is difficult to live with. I accidently married to one and it's not fun. It can destroy your mental health.
@secretSquare8066
We were just friends and she managed to drive me crazy. She even dared to say that I was going to end in a mental hospital once. When I confronted her about the way she had treated me the past few months, she said "I don't know what to say. I thought I was clear about my intentions and sexuality".
I don't understand what her sexuality had to do with the fact that she had treated me badly. 😂
Friend,
Who can say what she really feels for you, She may not even know herself.
For certain, you are not alone in this. Most everyone has had to deal with ambiguous friends and lovers. Most don’t get out w/o feeling hurt on some level. It’s normal for you to still think of her because you surely spent time thinking, dreaming, hoping for what might be between you. It’s ok to stand by your feelings AND move on at the same time.
its worth giving this person space and giving yourself time to let the feelings fade a bit. And, they will fade.
You deserve someone who can provide you with clarity and a real love.
Best wishes as you move forward!
MaryinthecTrees
@MaryInthetrees
Thank you very much for your kind words. I'm trying to move one. I texted her a few days ago kindly asking her to tell me the truth. She blocked me.
I think that a mature person would reply to my kind message with an equally kind response. Sometimes I think that she's abusive and so are the people that surround her. She always said that she's straight. I am not a kid. If someone says that is straight and is merely looking for a friendship, I can respect that and move on with my life. That wasn't the case, thought. She's say she's straight and get jealous when I'd talk about other girls. And there's this friend of her who was trying so hard to make me believe that she's straight. She even dared to say that I was wrong in thinking that the girl I like has lost weight and grown pale, even though it's something visible. She was speechless when I told her that even my crush had admitted to me that she was pale and had lost weight. To me, that's gaslighting.
I think people should communicate and tell their truth. Blocking someone, ghosting, gaslighting, all these are the kind of mechanisms immature people use to navigate conflict and sooth their anxiety.
Funny thing is that I texted her once, she ghost me. But when we bump into each other at the library she tried to approach to me. Now, how on earth am I suppose to behave around her, when she's so ambiguous. Oh, and she always blame me. For everything. It's never her fault. Is always mine.
I'm tired of this situation. I need to move one. This is defective not what I deserve.
P.s. sorry for my vents
An attitude to adopt as you move forward and continue to have thoughts and wondering about her is to not be too hard on her, or judgemental of her perceived actions. I think most people have had times where the only safe position in ending or putting the breaks on a relationship was to completely stop communication. That has to be ok and it’s understandable that it hurts you. You are still in the process of letting go and moving on. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Id encourage you to vent as much as you need to to purge it out of yourself. Taking a good long walk every day will help you to physically let go.
in 6 months and 1 year, in 2 years…or 3…you will be past this.
Decide to take a new journey and be open to meeting new people and having new experiences.
One day you will wake up and you won’t remember when the last time you thought of her was.
@MaryInthetrees
Thank you so much for your kind words. But especially for understanding me. It means a lot!
She's hurt me a lot. You can't even imagine. I have always been nice to her, even when she offended me or tried to humiliate in front of other people. When she continued to give me mixed signals (after friend zoning me) I told her about it. She denied everything. She said "that's how am I". Hahaha that's how she justified herself. Oh, she also said to me "you interpret a lot". And after 15 minutes started flirting with me and asking whether my bed was as comfortable as hers. That's what pisses me off the most. I told her that she's giving me mixed signals and she didn't care.
I'm trying to move on and telling myself she's no good for me. I'm also very angry at her. I need to let go. I will. It'll just take time.
