Drowning but don't want to.. (my yap)
Throughout my life, I have been lazy. Most of the little that I achieved was through motivation and force from others. I have also been ambitious. But now I don't have those people who used to push me towards winning.
Living alone and living in a messy life. The room, the hygiene, the studies - all affected due to laziness and poor mental health and choices. I see myself drowning in it. Although I have trying swimming to the top again many times but now I am getting loose again. Sorry for going all poetic style lol it's just hard to express what I'm feeling.
If I have to be straightforward, I have guilt. So much guilt... I am on a very important stage of life yet my steps right now are towards self sabotage, intentional wrong choices... I hate that I'm doing this
I may still have the chance to fix it now and I know I will regret in the future if I didn't fix it now. But idk I have become what I am - I am doubting myself, I have started to almost accept that I am a failure.
But I know these thoughts aren't really mine. I want good for myself. But it's hard for me to change.
Another thing I don't understand is whenever I hit this low, I rise up with much motivation. Then start drowning again until I hit the bottom low. Then I go no no let's change life (with the 3am motivation) and the cycle continues
I have accustomed myself to motivation following a drop. I need discipline. But that's hard. I have never worked hard. Idk people I feel like being torn between 2 lovers - laziness and ambitions..
The laziness also include here, hesitance, fear of failure, sadness from previous failures etc.
Hey, I just wanna say — I really felt every word you wrote. It takes a lot of honesty to admit all that, and you’ve already done something good by just putting it into words instead of pretending everything’s fine.
What you described — that cycle of motivation and then falling back down — it’s way more common than you think. It doesn’t mean you’re lazy or a failure; it just means you’ve been running on exhaustion and guilt for too long. No one can keep moving like that forever.
I think the key, like you said, isn’t motivation but small discipline. And it doesn’t have to be big. Just pick one tiny thing every day — clean one spot, study for 10 minutes, take a walk, anything that moves you even a little bit forward. It’s not about perfection, it’s about momentum.
You still care. You still want to fix things. That already says a lot about you. You’re not broken, just tired — and tired people deserve patience, not punishment. 🌿
@fearbubbleThank you for sharing so honestly. What you’re describing—this cycle of highs and lows, motivation followed by slipping back—is very common, especially when dealing with self-doubt and mental health challenges. It’s important to recognize that change takes time and discipline grows gradually, not overnight. Instead of relying solely on bursts of motivation, small consistent habits can help build that discipline bit by bit. Also, try to be kind to yourself—guilt and harsh self-judgment often make it harder to move forward. Remember, wanting good for yourself is a powerful starting point. If you’d like, I can share some practical steps to build discipline or manage this cycle better.