Career Frustartion and Guidance

For some unknown reason I started interested in Physics at my childhood and was passionate about it very much. I also studied and liked the way the famous scientists like Einstein and other spend their lives for the service to the science.

While doing some random mechanical experiments somehow I was able to achieve it and felt the real satisfaction in it and felt like tasted the fulfilment in life.

Later the interests grew stronger and I decided to become a scientist in Physics and wanted to pursue higher education like PhD to become one.

Though my family was poor, my father was able to afford bachelors education and then onwards I had to struggle to find money and purse masters education but I had to work as a software engineer to earn my living and send some money to my parents.

I was unfortunate that I couldn’t apply for any PhD positions and had to rejoin in Software engineering to earn money and its continuing like this for the past 13 years. 

I am performing just above average in Software Engineering unlike in Physics where I know what to do, how to do, and when to do.

I feel like lost and getting too much anger and frustration and feeling stress sometimes due to pathetic job life and anxiety for what to do in life.

I am scared and afraid that am I going to regret in my life for not pursuing Physics and working as a Software engineer. 

This not just had impact in my professional career but also in my personal behaviour as well, cause I feel very much collected and at composure when I had the idea of becoming a Physicist and becoming one. 

Now as there is no chance to become one, I feeling a lot of feelings for myself. 

I am married for 10 years and have 7 years old son as well. 

I feel like I am not behaving myself due to my career being Software engineer and due to this my wife and kid treat me in less respected way due to my behaviour. I see that these are interconnected.

I know this cause I behaved well earlier and a lot of people respected me and treated me like I am some kind of genius and will become a scientist for sure. 

All that is gone now, I even tried to understand the difference between Physics and Computer science and tried to apply the same in Computer science but didn’t help at all.

I tried to get to know more about myself to understand the cognitive psychology of my brain and studied MBTI personalities and got to know that I fall under INTJ category and studied all the information on INTJ and understood that it is very appropriate to my personality. 

But still I couldn’t get much help in managing myself to treat Computer science as Physics and achieve excellence in it. 

I even went to a psychologist to understand more and he somehow made me understand that my value system I established since my childhood is denying and discriminating CS over Physics and I need to think that my innate abilities are capable enough to excel in CS as well.

I felt happy and understood for some part and started trying to do the same but still no use. 

I am trying hard to maintain and upgrade myself in CS but my behaviour and thought process didn’t change and still feeling frustrated and anxious and stress majority of the times. 

I sometimes think, I am unable to set a goal in CS as I did it in Physics, I wanted to become a physicist and aim for Noble Prize and want to purse my career in High Energy and Particle Physics.

I am unable to set something similar in CS and plan my career accordingly.

I will definitely feel regret and will not forgive myself if I am at least not changing myself to my original self and behave accordingly and to avoid every day drama and aim for greater things in life.