Depression Ramblings

What do you do when you reach that point when everything stops mattering?

Like its not that ultimate breaking point scenario you always thought that finally snapped you.

It happened quietly, over years and years, and then in a space of weeks you suddenly woke up and realised that this was it. Your depression had won. You were no longer a person, but a walking embodiment of that illness.

There used to be a person, with hopes, dreams, ambitions, feelings... and since that person eroded so slowly, it meant that it eroded truly. You werent in a ‘funk, you didnt need a few weeks of relaxation to get your mojo back, you didnt need divine inspiration. This time you couldnt get back what you lost.

Because it was such a slow burn, you didnt even realise it was happening, until eventually you just started getting used to not feeling, not dreaming and not hoping. You didnt see it go away. You got used to be being empty. You felt something was wrong, but you had nothing to compare it against. If something was wrong, what was then ‘right? Did you ever even feel ‘right? If ‘wrong was all you had been feeling for the past decade of your life, does that not force your body to accept it as the norm, or the ‘right?

I lost myself in the last few months. I didnt realise it until now. I have been depressed for so many years that I just started getting used to be being sad, empty and numb until that was all that remained of me.