@Darkstyder
I can relate. Depression is an insidious illness that can rob your energy and convince you that you are worth less than you truly are.I would be angry too, because it's not fair. It's especially daunting when your symptoms dont improve and you feel yourself just slipping.
I understand you have mixed feelings about medications (as do many of us). Many people who take anti-depressants often can take them short-term or at least at a lower dose once they recover, Medications can help you give you the boost you need to function and that will further improve your depression. Obviously, you need to be able to get out of bed first before you can work on your mood. Then maybe things like exerciseOne , cognitive behavioral therapy,or behavioral activation can help you.
I'm am sorry you feel that void, maybe you need one good friend or something you find meaningful.
Remember the people who care about you when those dark thoughts creep in. People do recover from this illness, and sometimes it takes some time. I wish I could make it easier for you.
Hang in there
MAUS