I feel tired

I don't know how to start this thread to be honest, but i feel so helpless. I've had several breakdowns this past year, it's not like i don't have loving family members or friends, i just don't know anymore. It's like i am destroying my life, in the past i would usually complete my school work, i would socialize, and i felt pretty comfortable, i would even say i had no fears, yet these past 3-4 years i can't go a day without overthinking every single detail. I hate myself, and i have no one to talk to, or it's more like i don't want to talk about it, but i give everyday that passes i feel more closer to start self-harming, i actually do sometimes harm myself, but i make sure i don't bleed. The community that surrounds me looks down upon mental health, and i feel embaressed about my condition, and who knows i might not be depressed, i might never know because i don't have the courage to talk about it.

Depression isn't the only thing i am dealing with. My anxiety has been left unchecked for a very long time, and now it started to leave affects on my physical health. Two weeks ago, my legs started to shake eccentrically because of all the stress i have to deal with, it feels like the pressure put on me is going to crush me, and i am afraid i might die from it. My physical body is weak, but thankfully i don't suffer from any genetic disease or otherwise. Whenever i visit the hospital they always say the same thing, what i suffer from stems from my mental health.

Stress, stress, stress, but why am I stressed? i don't even understand myself, so whenever someone asks me what's wrong, i simply reply "i don't know", they think i am lying but i am not, it is true that i mostly care about others concerns than my own, but that's the truth i don't know. I've lost friendships, got into fights, I became quick to anger and there are times i feel lonely and sad suddenly, sometimes i wish i can always be the centre of attention.

My mother always pressured me and my older siblings to be the best at school, maybe this is why i try so hard? Even though recently she stopped and now just asks me to do my work. 2 years ago I had to deal with a shift in our education system, it was difficulit, but i pushed myself so hard so i could get the best grades, and i did, i actually scored the best out of everyone at our school, the best from 500, but at what cost? There were times where i stayed up 24 hours unable to sleep thinking about school, having knots in my stomach due to anxiety, and being sleep deprived. I had mental breakdowns at the middle of the night crying, i self-harmed and ate ice to keep myself awake, one week i only slept for 5 hours or 8, no more, and now i can't sleep for a very long time, or i just oversleep, and after that year I can never push myself to do anything, i feel scared about tests but i can't study, i don't want to, like i am afraid. I get good marks, but I am no longer that good student. Now, my mother is going through a lot and has to deal with her unobedient child, i don't wish to put my family through stress or anything, but what can I do? I am in highschool now, soon entering collage, I don't want my grades to suffer. Please someone tell me what should i do.

I cry easily, i became so fragile, I can't stand myself. The only way i can find relief is just to talk to myself like a crazy person, because i only have myself to talk to, even though i know no one hears me i continue to talk to myself, at least i comfort myself at least I stop the stress, or simply write my worries away. The nurse at my school has recommnded getting counciling from someone, but honestly i am afraid she won't understand.

The only thing i do now is stay on the internet, but i don't even know what do, i just waste my time here. I even try to find new intrests to distract me from my troubles, but as you can guess this has backfired. I stay on the internet for 12 hours and play video games, I do everything, everything that isn't something i should do, so i blame the internet, i blame anything and everything, even myself, but when i do blame myself i always try to justify my actions.

I just want someone to help, someone that i can talk to, i don't trust anyone easily, i always smile and try to help others, i try not to show my pain, but recently I've cried numerous times at school in front of all my classmates, which made me feel guilty. I don't know why i am writing this truthfully, maybe because i can remain anonymous.

This has become too long, and i revealed a lot, not really though, I've told multiple people the same thing, but i understand that they themselves deal with troubles, and don't know how to deal with a depressed person. I seem like a happy social person, but that's because i try to seem like that. I don't want to seem like something, i want to feel like I am a happy social person, this is very personal. I am sorry if i bored you, or if this seems not that serious, and sorry for wasting your time, but thank you even if you just read a sentence, I just want to be heard.

(English isn't my first language, so I am sorry if you find this difficulit to read).