12 years
It’s been 12 long years, a long lasting depression. With a lot of pain, loneliness and guilt. It ruins everything i do, everyone next to me. 2 years ago I’ve met someone.. she made me so incredibly happy. For the first time after a long time i was feeling happiness. I won’t say the whole story, i will go straight to the point. She left 3 weeks ago, I was still struggling with my depression but that gave me the final blow. It’s been 3 incessant weeks of pure pain, both physically and mentally. I am not proud to say there are dark thoughts in my mind.. I think you all can guess what I mean, it’s becoming stronger after each day. And I am unable to fight back, I don’t want to let myself go.. but it feels like it’s the only way. I don’t know what to do. Soon I will be 22, but i am not sure to be able to get to that day.
That is a rough blow. I am sorry. Depression does indeed come in waves. But the fact that you felt happiness before means that you can feel it again. When I get really low with my chronic depression, I remind myself of that a lot. The wave may be a bad one but I managed to find my way out before.
So how do you do that and keep yourself going into age 22? Start with the basics. Are you eating healthy and drinking enough fluids to function? Without physical energy the depression worsens. Are you getting outside?
Then, do you have any network of friends, family, therapists, or doctors that you have called on in the past? They can really help now.
You can also feel free to come here any time and vent on this thread. I answer usually within 24 hours. @Simon003
I am currently eating and drinking properly, I have a bit of trouble sleeping. I am not going out, and I don't have many friends or a therapist, To make sense of this.. I moved to another country for 2 years. When I returned to my home country I found that there is not much left, only my family which is not very large. And I feel very weak with no energy.
I can't do anything at the moment, even waking up is tiring.
The not sleeping and waking up exhausted are the really tough parts of depression. I experience them too. It wasn't until I started to take just a little medication to force me to sleep that I began to feel better. But I do know that dread of just starting the day. Once you get going it usually isn't god-awful but those first moments can really set a bad tone. So sending lots of peace on that front.
I can see how the smaller circle of friends and family once you return would also be hard. I am sorry. Starting new friendships is good but it takes energy.
Whatever you do start small and aim for little victories. Each person is quite different, but getting outside once a day every day to walk a bit has been transformative. People kept suggesting it and I kept ignoring them. But it really helped after just a few weeks. But you have to do it every day.
Feel free to come here any time. I am here to listen judgment free. You will find a path forward. @Simon003
Thank you for all the advices, I will try to do my best. Another problem I am facing is: I can’t feel much except sadness, loneliness and anger sometimes. I have a hard time feeling good feelings. I have also social anxiety, and changing country again made everything harder. I feel like I don’t belong here, I feel like I don’t have a Home anymore. It’s really hard, sometimes all i can do is laying down in the bed and suffer for whole days.
I can imagine how hard it is. You end up in these thought loops that become hard to control with all the anger, fear and sadness.
It can be really hard to retrain your brain away from all of that but it really can be done.
I know you feel like you have been trying for a really long time and you have indeed. But keep reminding yourself that feeling even a little better is a triumph and that you have been more stable before. Stability may come and go but it is always a possibility. That knowledge can help a little.
I hope that you have a more peaceful day tomorrow. @Simon003
