Advice On Shame Ruining Happiness

Hello, everybody! It's great being here.

My mental health journey has been long and hard. I've made it such a long way. I've struggled with depression, suicide ideation, self-harm, anxiety, dissociation, maladaptive daydreaming, ADHD, and self-esteem issues. You name the disorder, it feels like I've had experience with it. I once thought I was a collector of sorts.

But my mental health is far better than before. I'm able to challenge my inner critic. I've lost much of my perfectionism. Likewise, I found meditation, which has reduced my anxiety and the frequency of dissociative spells. It has also given me tools to better cope during anxiety attacks or dissociation. I've made it a habit to stay present. My habit of maladaptive daydreaming is broken for the most part, and the daydreams I do have are much weaker and less immersive. I no longer self harm, and my thoughts of suicide are much less detailed and specific. My ADHD, while not under control, is much better. I can retain attention for much longer. All of this is thanks to therapy, hard work, and self-help,

Yet I'm still struggling every day with depression, deep-rooted shame and maladaptive guilt. It's like I can't allow myself to be happy. I look back at all I've overcome and try to remind myself every day. I want to be more proud, but I'm not. Still, I struggle with vulnerability and investing time or money in things that make me happy without guilt or shame ruining my joy. Despite this, I've forced myself the past year to create a future and present doing what I enjoy.

Starting July 2024, I quit a full-time job that made me miserable and started a coding bootcamp. I had so much fun and graduated with a perfect graded score. Yet, I struggled to make connections with other students and felt ashamed after happily finishing a coding assignment.

Afterward, I enrolled in school. I've always wanted to earn a degree, and now I'm enrolled in a Computer Science bachelors program at SNHU. And I'm so proud of myself. Yet other times I'm ashamed of this sense of pride. While I love being a student and the idea of being a college graduate makes me happy, I have to fight through the guilt and shame every day. I also struggle to be vulnerable to other students. I struggle to tell my coworkers about my education.

Furthermore, I started serving again. My first job was at Olive Garden as a host and moved into a serving position. I loved food service. It's something I could do between jobs as a software engineer or as supplemental income for the rest of my life. Serving gives me such a sense of fulfillment, and you can't beat the work-life balance. Still, after the thrill of a good rush, I feel such a heavy weight. Anytime it's slow, I feel guilty for choosing to be a server the entire shift. Yet again, I struggle to connect with my coworkers.

Today, I've financed a motorbike. I always loved cycling and had an interest in motorcycles. Kinda a bucket list thing. At first, I wanted to squeal in excitement, and then a sudden, deep wave of shame struck me.

What is wrong with me? Why must I always ruin my own happiness. It's like I'm ashamed of being happy. Does anyone else experience this. Better yet, have any of you found a coping mechanism.