A friendzone turned me into a workaholic
It's been years since it happened and only been weeks since i've fully cut ties with him due to my obsession only worsening over time. The experience has been awful; i kept being reminded of all the good times we used to have, the songs we used to listen became a painful reminder, i can never look at love without feeling a sharp pain in me. This awful feeling, combined with the stress of school, turned me into a workaholic. Since i've given up love, given up on my social life, i guess the only thing i can look forward to is my academics. Things went well at first; i got good grades, most of my hw were done long before their dues; then the problem came at the end of every day where i can no longer distract myself. Suddenly all of my problems came crashing down. I feel overwhelmed by this and often resort to extreme measures to ground myself. It just makes me feel hopeless that this happens every, single, day. I just want to forget him why is it so difficult? (T-T) i don't want to feel this pain.. i don't want to live like this.. i've reached out to all of my friends and none of them could offer much support. It feels like i'm alone in this...
I am happy that you are going to attempt dating again. Just be careful and take it slowly.
But in reading your top message, I was struck by how poetic it was. You do have a poet's heart. That is one that can be quite beautiful, but it is painful at times. But the pain allows you to observe the world through a lens that is so poignant and meaningful when you share it.
Perhaps you should start writing a bit of poetry on the side...
I feel like morning is the biggest hurdle to my day. Despite waking up at seven, I wasn't fully operational until eleven. Getting out of bed is also challenging. I woke up feeling like I had no energy left on me; my body felt stiff. The presence of my phone by my side doesn't help.
I've also been sleeping less on my vacation because I've been chatting and hanging out with my girlfriend in the evening. So far, our relationship has been stable. At every new obstacle, we always faced together or discussed it. Though, she did say that she's experiencing difficulty in reciprocating my affections. So my "Love you" is always met with silence or a simple "good night". I wanted to be hopeful, that this is just a matter of time. But I can't help but feel the doubt that is creeping up on me.
I've never been this far in a relationship, not to mention the synergy I felt with her. So, it would be devastating for me to add her as my 6th attempt if things didn't go well. So, instead of focusing on that, I kept my heads up. I believe that she'll come around in time...
I hope. I'm scared. I haven't told her about that, though. I'm afraid that, in the wake of her sudden absence/fallout, there'll be a chasm deeper than before awaiting for me. A chasm I have no knowledge of how to get out of. A chasm of all of the doubts, insecurities, and self-hate that will drown me. A chasm in which my cries will be unheard of. A chasm where I will be buried upon.
Stop with imagining the chasm. I am down in it now and trust me it is not a good place to be.
Remember that each person responds to love differently. My husband is totally different than me and I have to meet him where he is. He isn't in to lots of physical affection or words necessarily. But he sits with me and holds my hand when I am in pain. He does the dishes and his own laundry. These are all different forms of love. Your girlfriend may never be comfortable with saying "I love you" often. It simply may not have been something that was ever done at her house. It says nothing about how much she loves you. Look for other signs. @RhysThe3rd
Trying to recall a moment where I felt alive during the day. During our practicum, my blood got tested for glucose content, it was bordering diabetes. Maybe it's a wake up call, to slow down. I couldn't let my eye off from time. It's always been a chase, to be perfect, to matter in some way, to seek external validation.
These lives within the literatures I've read. They're so vibrant, filled with people, memmories, things that mattered. All of it just felt so foreign. It's this difference that makes it so hard to connect with others. At some point I just gave up entirely. Accepting that some life experiences are inaccessible due to my conditioning.
It's just me and nothingness again. If studying is all I do, and I don't even feel slightly living doing it, then what does it mean to live?
Hah.. I've forgotten how to live. How does one even live.. why should one even live.. what does it matter.. no wonder I'm constantly trying to k*ll myself 😞
Maybe I'm better off dead afterall. The diabetes is an omen for what's worse to come. Maybe dementia, or hopefully cancer from my lack of rest.
Literature is not real. It is made up stories that focus in on certain details, particularly the vibrant ones. One cannot make one's life like literature. It doesn't work that way so comparing your life to literature isn't gong to work.
You sound very, very tired. It alters your perception and makes your mental illness worse. At those moments either find a way to slow down the way that your brain is begging you to or find a therapist or doctor to talk to.
Also, deal with the pre-diabetes. Not taking care of your body makes all the mental health stuff harder to deal with. These are things that you know as a training doctor. You can change your path. The time has come to do that again.
It's fascinating how well a piece of music can bring one back in time. It's a time of struggle, hopelessness, and isolation, ingrained in Vansire's four-minute and 25-second song.
I haven't made a post in a while. It's probably because things have improved since I started dating my girlfriend. Some problems still linger, and having a partner doesn't remedy all my problems.
I'm still struggling with my depression on some rare occasions, usually when I'm exhausted or stressed from med school. I try to remedy this by adopting Buddhism. I don't have any gurus to teach me about it... So, I've been mostly independently studying it.
Sometimes, I wish my life went differently. I had no abusive parents in my formative years, I socialized well in school, and I wasn't into any boys and only girls, so I'm normal. Instead, I have to go through all of this... I just wanted a normal life.
I'm thankful to my girlfriend for giving me that. I haven't talked with her today, and I already miss her. She was the only human being I could feel safe with.
I know I'm not broken. Just a unique case, a product of my past upbringing. But I couldn't help but feel distant and foreign from the people around me. I don't know how to fix that. This invisible force makes it so hard for me to reach out to others and connect with them. I feel they need them to approach me first and give me permission.
I don't know. I'm exhausted. I haven't studied much for next week's exam ( T-T)
You are really doing a great job and recognizing that you are triggered when you get exhausted. I love the idea of introducing some Buddhism into your life and cultivating your spiritual side.
I have thought long and hard about wanting an easier childhood or life in general. The more I think about it the more that I realize that I really don't want a different one. All of the struggles made me more compassionate and see the world more fully. Without struggle there is no joy. You are getting there.
It is okay that you only come on occasionally when you need to. I am also cutting back a bit to every other day on 7 Cups. My therapist suggested that I had too much going on in my real world in terms of people that I was trying to help, the tension of my work, and the world in general. Being an empath is good but only in slightly more limited doses. So if I don't answer immediately know that I will respond within 48 hours. @RhysThe3rd
So.. we've been in a relationship for nearly a month now. You were right about her; she's not one to outright say that she loved me, but she does it in her actions.
Maybe I want to reciprocate that too, but with the busyness of med school and a long-distance relationship, it's hard to do so.
She also expresses that she wants to take things further, which excites me, but we decided to take it slow from now on since we've yet to live under one roof.
I know she's anything but perfect. She's not the boy I had a crush on a long time ago. She may not have all of his qualities, and maybe that's a good thing. Someone new. But she's there when I needed her, and that's all I ever wished.
She may fumble on her assignment from time to time, I may notice her repeating a mistake or two. These imperfections don't turn me off; if anything, it only makes me love her more. I wanted to see her grow and become the best version of herself.
She's an aspiring animation artist. I knew what people like her are capable of, and I would like to support her towards her goals.
I just don't know how. If only I could be there for her in person...
I love that your relationship continues to grow. No one relationship is the same as a previous one. I am glad that you are starting to notice imperfections that are okay. When I think about my long term relationship with my husband, there were very much moments where I wasn't sure it was right. There was so much to get used to. But I did find myself loving him more. He may move slower than me and need lots of time to figure out how to do things. He may repeat old stories often. He may be incredibly shy. But he is also there whenever I need him without any judgment. We just got back from a trip where I had a horrible panic attack at the end that involved us having to leave an airplane before it took off. But he was there for me and never got angry about the cost or the inconvenience. It really did remind me how much I love him and that he is right for me.
People are supposed to be different from one another. I love the fact that your girlfriend is an artist. That could be perfect for you because it opens you up to other things. You can be supportive by asking questions about her work daily and giving her space in which to do her art. You are both using your brains in ways in which you need time together but you also need thinking time apart from one another. So don't feel guilty about med school timing. You are doing well in creating both listening time and away from one another time. That will allow your relationship to grow. Just keep up the listening without judging and she will be grateful for your support. @RhysThe3rd
"I'm not going to say I love you until I'm certain that I'm going to marry you later,"
Although it makes sense remembering the relationship's current status, I couldn't help but be afraid of the implications. I started listing what might go wrong. I have to admit that my communication skills and empathy are dull. I sometimes treat her problems as if she's my patient rather than someone I ought to support. She once brought up the topic of religion, how she'd encourage me to return to islam if we were to be together. I, of course, lightly rejected her offer, affirming my atheist beliefs. Then there's me being bi making her worry about whether I might go out with a guy or not.
It really boils down to me not being normal. I'm *** in that department really. There's no turning me normal. I'm broken m8, of course I'm not normal. I'm broken.. why would anyone want to be with a broken product. It makes sense, really.. and at the same time not. Why do I even bother continuing if it's a losing game in the end. It's absurdity. Yet I'm unable to take my own life due to my survival instinct. I'd be lying if I wasn't gambling my life every time I drive. Hoping for a fatal accident to occur, for it to relief me from existance.
I wanted to believe in something, I wanted to belief in her. That its possible. I used to have a crush on a boy, and I let that feeling push me towards med school. But now he's gone from my life.. and my empathy left with him. I used to belive in my parents, that everything I do is in service of them. But when I started to repeatedly fail in medschool.. I started to doubt that I was of any worth to them.. that I'm just a failure.
It feels like every day, I have to unconsciously justify my existence. That I felt terrible even in my own skin. I hate seeing my face, I hate myself. I'm broken, failure. I don't expect myself to be of any value. Just something waiting to be discarded. Why do I even bother with anything anymore. Nothing matters.
What actually is "normal"? None of us are normal in the long run. We all have differences which make us unique. One of your girlfriend's quirks is that she is nervous about any commitment. That's okay. I think she would react that way to anyone, not just you.
You are allowed to have different religious beliefs and a sexual orientation that leads more than one direction. Neither of those things make you "broken". You still deserve to live and thrive. You are doing that and it has nothing to do with cowardice. You live because you are brave enough to hope most of the time. That is enough.
Empathy is a skill. It isn't something you are born with. You grow it in each conversation. If you don't feel like you have enough right now then just keep working at it. But empathy is also something that you grow in yourself for yourself. You don't have to be perfect to be loved. You can just be you. Keep working on loving yourself. You are going to get there. @RhysThe3rd
I broke up with her.
We were never in a relationship in the first place. It was just expectations on top of expectations. I was too blind and *** to notice it.
What is there to life if not to study.. what is the reason to eat, drink, clean oneself, and rest if not to study again? I was a fool to believe things would've gone for the better. To believe there's life outside of it.
Every coffee I drink, every sleepless night, is a prayer that I don't have to go through this torment another day. Perhaps diabetes, cancer, heart attack. I could only imagine what it's like to die by one's own doing.
Only a matter of time.
I'm pathetic and weak. I was drawn in by Andrew Tate's words. Pain, let it be all-encompassing. Let it be all that I feel. I want this debilitating pain to burn everything! Pain from intensive exercise, pain from c*tting my hand. My empathy, my compassion, love, I want to burn it all! Curse them! For it's what makes me weak.
Crying, empathy, love, all signs of weakness. Curse them, *** them. I won't let myself stay weak again with him as my mentor. I don't give a damn what anyone says about it.
Explain what's happened more clearly. Why did you break up with her? Just saying it was inevitable or you are bad are both invalid statements.
Let's try to evaluate things rationally together. @RhysThe3rdShe doesn't have any feelings for me. She's unwilling to commit to anything until I'm more stable. Ever since this post was made, I'm still dealing with the same struggle; I don't expect it to change anytime soon. So what'll happen is I'll continue to hope while she continues to be undecided about it. The relationship is one-sided. It's tormenting me.
I just ripped off a bandaid. Breaking up first before she does it to me. If I couldn't make up to her standard, being more stable, I couldn't make up to anyone else's. I'm just unfit for any relationship. I'll die alone, it's fated, inevitable.
Maybe I'm just unsuitable for life. Look at me, the moment we broke up, I felt everything collapse around me. My motivation shattered, and so did my commitment to everything. I began to question everything again, only to meet another dead end. I wanted to d*e, but I can't k*ll myself if I wanted. I'm stuck, m8, I'M STUCK.
I hate every fibre of my being. I wanted to feel _pain_. I put myself through rigorous exercise. If that still don't work, I draw lines on my hand with my hairloom. I'm tired of it all. I can't k*ll myself. I just want it all to end. Why can't I just d*e...
No relationship except an abusive one (which yours was clearly not) is the fault of one person. In my view, her standards were set too high. She didn't know exactly what she wanted in terms of "normal" and was unwilling to take any risks. So she froze instead and became unwilling to commit. That isn't your fault at all. Was she ever going to commit? That's hard to say.
Right now you are hurting and I understand. But blaming yourself just puts you further into the hole. BOTH of you are young and learning how relationships go. Nothing is permanent or hopeless. The future always takes another turn that you aren't expecting.
But you are learning and becoming a richer, stronger person each time that you fall. The falls are very painful, I know. What kinds of things are you doing to care for yourself? That's where you need to return your focus - immediate and present self-care. You have done this before and you know what will work eventually.
Start down that path again. I am right here alongside you. Due to my own therapist, I have been told to only do 7 Cups every other night. But I will be very regular in replying. @RhysThe3rd
Thinking about you. Sending peace this evening. @RhysThe3rd
I do what I do best. I study, work, until my body can't no longer keep up. I put myself through rigorous exercises to remind myself of the pain I felt that day. Coffee is my alcohol. Whenever I miss her, whenever I'm reminded of that ache, is a can of coffee down my system and hours of studying.
I don't want to THINK about her! I don't funking need her, or anyone! I'll gladly accepts the fact that I might live *** alone, d*e alone. ARGH! My duty in life is beyond the menial relationship. I don't need them! I don't need anyone in my life! No one will accept me, I'll d*e alone. Just let me d*e alone. I want to d*e alone. Why am I even born. I can't undo my existence 😞
Okay, I know that the pain is going to continue for a while. Work is a good distraction but remember to do some others. Getting outside and walking between classes and studying is a really good one. It can be brief, but it can also be really healing if you start doing it as a habit.
You aren't destined to be alone. You weren't before and you aren't now. Things changed before and they can change again.
But right now you need lots of time and space for healing. Focus on the day by day. @RhysThe3rd
**The Quiet Between the Noise**
Today was… something. From the grueling pace of physical training to the pressure-laden role of master of ceremony, I found myself constantly performing, constantly trying to meet the expectations placed upon me. And yet, in the midst of it all, I looked for a moment—a slice of life I could truly call my own. A brief experience unburdened by titles, roles, or obligations. A moment where I was not a medical student, not a member of any organization, not anyone’s child or friend—just me.
To live without intentions, even momentarily, feels like liberation. The idea of wandering through life without having to fulfill a purpose dictated by duty or expectation… it’s enticing. In those quiet moments, I imagine myself taking a different path—perhaps becoming an artist, a cook, or a writer. But such fantasies often end where reality begins.
The truth is, that path was never mine to freely choose. Though I love parts of who I am and what I do, it’s difficult when my duty as a medical student clashes with my personal values and interests. Time, energy, and even self-worth are often sacrificed at the altar of academic and familial obligation. It’s no wonder I’ve developed such a difficult relationship with myself. I rarely feel like I have the freedom—or even the *right*—to prioritize what I personally value.
I often feel like my life isn’t truly mine. I owe too much to my parents, my community, my chosen profession. These debts—real or perceived—make it hard to justify any self-centered decision. So I stay the course, suppressing the part of me that yearns for something else. And yet, despite all this, there remains a persistent longing. What I truly want—what I struggle to give myself—is love, attention, validation, and acceptance. I look for these things in others, in the hope that perhaps someone else can give me what I haven’t learned to give myself.
But sometimes, in rare and quiet moments, I remember.
I remember that I am not just my titles. I am not only someone’s child, or someone’s friend, or even just a student. I am a conscious being capable of experience. And in the fleeting seconds of stillness—feeling the cool air on my skin or hearing the quiet chirping of crickets—I touch something close to peace. No expectations. No performance. Just presence.
This is why meditation often leaves me with such serenity. In those moments, I detach from everything. The noise fades. And I remember what it feels like to live.
So tonight, I allowed myself a taste of that peace. Not as an escape, but as a reminder—that rest, joy, and play are not sins. Watching a wildlife documentary or a cooking video, playing a game, or even just *being still*—these aren’t wastes of time. They’re tiny, sacred acts of living.
Within me are many voices. The voice of responsibility that pushes me forward. The voice of fear that warns me of failure and judgment. Even the voice that tells me I’m unlovable. They are all parts of me. They all try to protect me in their own imperfect ways. But I am learning now that I don’t need to silence them—I need to *understand* them. I can hold space for all of them, without letting any one voice take full control.
Pain is not always something to be avoided. Just like in physical training, it is sometimes the path through which we grow stronger. Perhaps this is why the Buddha said life is suffering—not to discourage, but to teach us to live with open eyes and an open heart.
And maybe, just maybe, that’s where freedom truly begins.
That is actually really, really beautiful. Every time you feel down you should read that. You are an extremely gifted writer who understands things deeply.
Part of what I love about it is that you are really discovering what it means to be a live, beautifully functioning human being on this earth. That spot just for you, where you exist for yourself and only for yourself, is always there in life. When you locate yourself there you find peace. So when you don't feel peaceful or it all feels too much, do the things that you did today to get you back there.
Yes there will always be obligations which are sometimes overwhelming. But that never means that "you" (the one you want and love) ceases to exist. You are learning to love yourself and that is awesome.
Could it mean that someday you end up in a different career? Maybe. But life isn't about the career. It's about living the authentic you that exists is so many different spots beyond just the job. Keep exploring those spots. Keep reading this post. It is a great life line and so true for all of us. @RhysThe3rd
No, I will not change my path. I've burned myself to get here and I'll be glad to shed my life to achieve my goal.
=------=------=
My p*rn addiction is back in full surge. I don't feel like I have control over it. I kept going from one stimulation after another. I guess I have myself to blame for that. I don't give myself much time to take a break. Other than that, ever since my gf's absense I felt lonely in life. I don't feel comfortable about opening up to anyone because they're often busy or unresponsive. So I have no outlet to tell my story. No one to talk with about life outside of med school.
I feel exhausted as well. It seems impossible to do well in med school without depriving myself of sleep and life itself. I just took more time to understand a concept.
I hate this, hate. I want anger back in my life. I want to hate something in life. I want to use this hate to give myself meaning. Meaning that would lift me from this decrepancy. Perhaps I should hate on love itself for it has caused me agony in the past. My hate for couple is what drives me to study for the college entrance exam, thinking that once I got accepted in med school, I'll be better than those love stricken fools.
Now I'm a preclinic student. Within the hierarchy of medical practitioners, I'm nothing. But once I've become a doctor, a surgeon, a professor. I'll be better, worth more than anyone will ever be.
You are going up and down right now. That's to be expected because you are healing and feeling a bit lonely. Keep working to find something else to replace the addiction. There are other things you could look at online or read a book. Nothing is stopping you from finding another hobby as well. Maybe you want to start writing some poetry. But your brain does need time in general to heal.
You actually aren't a person that hates to find meaning. You are a person who loves to find meaning. You are starting to find brief moments to love yourself. That's good. Keep that part of things up.
I believe in you. You will find a way forward again. @RhysThe3rd
No, no, you don't understand how much I _hate_ right now. I hate myself so much. No matter how much I hurt myself, it would not drown out the hate I have for this flesh that I inhabit. I hate everyone, I hate everything.
That's right, I cursed every one of my friends and cut off all communications with them. I don't need them, never did. I cut off all communications with my family as well, they were a nuisance anyway. I'll make due with what little money I have. I'll succed without them.
In the end, this rant achieves nothing. I still couldn't k*ll myself. Still have 51 years left before I die of natural causes. Still have to study for my exams because time is ignorant of my predicament. This is my life. No amount of talking or therapy can fix me. I'm waiting and expecting my demise as I live. Since I couldn't k*ll myself, perhaps the absurd itself will put me out of my misery
Therapy!? I don't need therapy. It's a waste of money. No, I'm not losing my sanity; it's a simple lack of rest. It's a simple lack of rest.. Nothing is falling apart.. No, my grades are not dropping.. No, mum and dad aren't fighting.. No, we're not running out of money.. I just needed rest.. I don't need help.. I just need to study more.. I miss my friends.. Why is everyone leaving, I ruined everything.. I deserve to d*e alone
I am going to write below so it doesn't all get too small.@RhysThe3rd
I can feel your pain right now and how much you want to hate. But it is getting you nowhere.
You are right about needing rest. Making any changes or doing anything drastic when you are exhausted means that you haven't thought things through.
Go back and reread what you said a few days ago. It was truly beautiful and exactly where your brain needed to be.
And I do advise therapy. It may feel like it does nothing (especially immediately after a session) but your brain slowly begins to adjust and heal as you talk. Keeping it inside makes it so much worse. It is something you have to keep at for years sometimes before you know the good that it is doing. But that is one thing that I know about you - you are one who keeps trying no matter the obstacles. You figure out regularly why your brain is reacting the way that it does. Therapy can help you work through all of that. Yes, it is painful but this kind of pain eventually brings progress.
Sending peace and some sleep along with it. Rest is really going to help here.
I don't know what it is with late nights and past upbringing returning to haunt me. Ugh.. I hate to recount those moments again.
I guess parts of me are afraid, afraid that I'm unlovable. It's this age-old topic again. The idea that I'm recounting this topic for what feels like the hundredth time makes me chuckle, I don't know why. My last affair with my girlfriend disproved that, before it was revealed that she was never interested in the first place, then that belief came back in full force.
Sometimes I wish I didn't care about this, but then I read many novels, heard my friend's story, and, more devastatingly, see studies showing couples fare better in health. Like, even scientists approve it! And since I firmly believe in science, that news only adds to my injuries.
Oh, oh, get this, "Decades of research on health and mortality have also illustrated that single individuals have a greater mortality risk compared with married couples."
Honestly, I don't need any of this garbage revelation filling my mind, making me feel more terrible about myself than I already am. I should study more to be a good doctor and hopefully become a surgeon. Maybe someone will bat an eye because how much higher do I have to climb to be enough for someone!? How much more do I need to burn for someone to appreciate that warmth? Haven't I sacrificed enough? Haven't I suffered enough? No, I haven't. Until I became a professor, the answer was a sound no.
So, I need to suck it up that my circumstances are ***, and unless I study, unless I work myself to my limit, I'll never be more than what I already am.
I will stop you before you give me that "You're enough" rhetoric. The reality doesn't reflect it. If I'm enough, then why hasn't anyone chosen me yet? Why is it that the people I looked down upon who always get chosen? Maybe because those people possess things I will never have, charisma, wit, humor, empathy, and a social butterfly approach. It's just not me with how closed off I am with people and how my default approach to meeting new people is to become invisible.
My social skills are garbage, so I focused more on academics, hoping for it to fill the skill gap. I'll be smart enough to naturally attract people to my presence. This is why my circle consists of people whom I can vent to or have a discussion with regarding a topic. It's also why I stay off or dislike people who don't focus during lectures or practicum.
Ironic enough, until now, I don't have a study partner. I've yet to meet people with an existential need to study as I do. I don't want to say "broken" because that'll lead to another episode, but I am eccentric. Rarely do you find people who look at studying as if their life depends on it; that it is their reason for being. I've yet to meet such people, or more likely, such people aren't interested in me. Because despite studying a lot, my grades are still average, maybe a bit higher than average according to last block's exam result, but I still have to undergo a redo, I mean, most of us do, since there are only 29 people out of 250 of us that passed the exam. Typical day in med school.
That's probably all from me. My body ached, and I felt tired, but it's nothing a few cups of coffee and a "fear of not being good enough" can't fix. I don't know if this writing resolves anything... Probably not.
Will I ever find love again? Please don't give me false hope.. Just give me the cold and harsh truth, even if it means I'll d*e alone. If you said yes, tell me how, and what variables align with that result? Don't be vague..
=------=------=
I debated with ChatGPT over my condition. They say that my approach will never promote closeness. Fame, prestige, respect, sure. But not love or closeness. I, of course, lashed out at it for attacking my core values. If my current approach is really that unattractive, then it is other people who don't deserve me. Case closed, never bring the topic of love _ever_ again.
I hate it so much. I hate that lovd fills every novels I read, my very imagination! ARGH! I'm a scientist god damn it! Even if I never wrote an article, I believe in facts, statistics, and logics! I'm a scientist! I don't feel, I observe and study, that's who I am! That's what I will be!
Enough! I need to study.
How odd, usually this period of the night would bring me much sorrow. Maybe there's a change in variables. Physical training, catharsis, coffee intake, and social interactions are the variables that lead to here. Either way, I welcomed this sense of peace. Turns out you don't need death to experience inner peace, just food and sufficient rest.
Mio and Shun, though I never watch Stranger by the Seashore, I love their dynamic. Hope they ended up happy together.
Until the time comes, I'll have my own garden to tend to. Though they sometimes ***, they're also capable of beauty. My safe haven.
Ok, I can finally read and answer properly. I apologize profusely for making you wait. I had a bunch of people to answer and yours had come in the most recently at that point so I looked at it last. I have a really strict bedtime for myself in terms of self-care and that meant I couldn't stay up later.
I am going to start there and with a bit of my own story. First off is the self-care part. I have my Ph.D. which while it is certainly not a medical degree it does mean that I am a professor. I have never pulled an all-nighter in my entire career despite all the work that it entailed while simultaneously raising 3 children and teaching. I know not sleeping is part of the "badge of honor" of college. Don't fall for it. Do your work but make sure you sleep too. Minds like ours need it.
Next I am going to go after "If I am enough why has no one chosen me yet?" How old are you exactly? I didn't find my spouse until I was around 25 and my sister found hers even later. My spouse was the second person that I ever had a date with. There isn't a time line for these things and presuming that you have failed because it hasn't happened to you in a more long-lasting way means nothing. You have had more success than I did at your age.
I too don't have awesome social skills and am never the life of the party. I too like people who are studious and on task. That meant I was pretty sure no one liked me or would ever want to date me, But then my husband appeared out of the blue and we both knew within a month that we were perfect for one another. You have NO idea how this might happen for you if it ends up happening. I am being brutally honest here - you just need more time. You don't know what will happen next.
It is also absolutely not true that single people live shorter lives. It may be a larger pattern, but individuals are never only a larger pattern. You are learning in your training I am sure to see the whole person who is made up of lots of conditions that interact with one another. We are all uniquely wonderful and no one thing like being single defines us permanently.
Don't debate ChatGPT. It is a computer, not a person. It knows nothing. It isn't an individual with all of that individual's stunning, beautiful complexity. You are such a person.
And avoid doing such things at night. It is when you are emotionally weakest. Listen to music or take a walk instead.
@RhysThe3rd
I have not gotten a chance to read this in its entirety and I want to take time to fully answer. So I am going to wait until my next session on Monday night. But I can tell you are doing lots of solid thinking through things. Nights can indeed be the worst because that is when your brain let's down its guard to start processing things. But you will figure out a way to make nights easier.
I am looking forward to really reading and commenting in just a few days. But my therapist has really asked me to only get on Cups every other day so I don't get too overwhelmed and end up not sleeping myself. @RhysThe3rd
Why do I feel so much, question, and think so much? I never asked for any of this. It haunts me, drowns me in questions I have no answer to.
Never have I dared to ask, "What am I?" I thought it was a silly question. Of course, I know who I am; I'm a student. A student does what is expected of them, to study. Although recent events have cast doubt on such a long-standing identity, throwing me into a spiral of seeking meaning in a world indifferent to such a cause.
What I am isn't _a_ thing. What I am isn't static. I read a book, then I lost interest in it. I learned a new language, and then I lost interest in it. I sketched, then I lost interest in them. Yet, at the end, despite losing interest in them, in moments of absent obligations, I came back to them. It's like home. Home, a space where I felt at home. A space where I'm not a student, I am.. No one.
How.. liberating. To be no one is to be unburdened from expectations, free from upholding identities. Because if I'm no one, just that which experiences, I need not feel guilty if I don't act the way a student is expected to. That is liberating.
So, what am I? I think the answer is clear. I need to go home. I think that's a standard way to live life. Somewhere along the journey, I must've lost my bearings. Life gets too much, and I forgot what living and who I am are meant to be.
I didn't really live; I was trying to survive the environment. It feels impossible to feel accomplished without shedding a part of myself. Be it my interest, my sleep, or my friends. The irony is that every accomplishment is followed by this hollow feeling. Something was sacrificed, I was exhausted, I barely knew myself anymore, and my friends felt distant. I felt good about my achievements, yet I'm digging my grave.
Why can't I have both?
I think a friend of mine had a good grasp of it. In life, you have your social life, academics, and your own health. You can only have two out of those three. Yet, I invested all my attention into my academics, sparing no time for rest or connection.
So, to end this contemplation. Will I continue with the status quo, knowing how it will impact my health and social life, or will I dare and risk my academics?
I rarely felt I had a place of belonging outside my space. Somehow, I'm too much and too little at the same time. An odd piece of a puzzle with no place in the grander patch, always watching from the sidelines. An observer, an audience, but never the speaker.
Maybe the social life was never a part of me. So it wouldn't be as bad to lose something I never had. Then why do I continue to hope, negatively affected by it?
In the end, I think I'll still choose academics. But maybe it doesn't have to be everything, I can still be myself while choosing to focus on studying. It's only a matter of balancing, knowing when enough is enough.
=------=------=
I'm 18, but sometimes forget since I don't count my years. I still have the pre-clinic and clinic period ahead of me. Yes, perhaps I am too young to think of such serious things.
I just.. my life, I only wanted someone close by me to hear me and truly see me. That's what I felt when I had my first crush; he made me feel seen and listened to me. For once, I had someone, a real person and not just my own subconscious mind, to share my stories with. Yes, I may start to make amends with myself again, but I still feel lonely from time to time.
I'm not disregarding this forum, it just sucks that the only person that I can had a serious conversation with is halfway across the world, limiting to one conversation per day or even a couple.
I wanted a close friend. My inner circle is deteriorating; most of my close friends who live in America are too busy with work to accompany me, and the same is true for the ones in medical school.
This is why my girlfriend's absence was so devastating... I just wanted to be heard. My family doesn't understand emotions, I'm not comfortable opening up to any regular friends, and most of my close friends are busy. I'm.. alone. I feel like an endangered species, the last of my kind. Doomed to extinction.
Why is it that my girlfriend tried to convert me back to Islam, only accepted me once I'm more "stable", am I really that abnormal.. am I really that insufficient..
I don't know.. no one cares. I'm talking with myself, even now. If it weren't for you, I'd still be talking with objects. Hahah, my dad called me crazy for talking with fishes and trees.
I think I'l just rest, no one is listening anyway 😞
Hey, I am most definitely listening. And I am not going anywhere. I know that I am not enough, but you can keep working on the other stuff, okay? I know you feel like your friends are busy, but it is really easy when you are depressed to cut yourself off. Try to avoid doing that too often. Even being in a room with other people and not talking is better than your empty apartment. Getting out and walking and not talking to anyone is better than your empty apartment. I am not talking about big changes here, just little tweaks to your routine.
A period after you have lost a girlfriend is going to be hard and lonely. But you are making it through and your brain will slowly heal. I promise. There will be other people in your life who can see you and who you can open up to. They are going to come.
As far as the beginning part of your message, I am not a fan of the "choose academics, health or social life and you can only have two" kind of thinking. I have heard it often before and it's pretty inaccurate. Life is too complex to be put in categories like that. But was striking is that you say you are only choosing academics. You need to at least choose health too. And do really minimal amounts of social life when you feel up to it.
You most certainly don't need to go home. Home made you miserable. You are opening up in a new space and that is a good thing. Yes, you are constantly evolving and trying new things. It is disorienting but going back home won't help you find an older version of yourself. That person doesn't exist anymore. You just have what you are living with now and that's enough. You are enough. But you deserve a space where you can just be you. Physically that can be anywhere. But learn to live with the beautiful complexity of you.
@RhysThe3rd
Just reminding you that I am still listening and thinking about you. @RhysThe3rd
Hoping that things are going a bit more smoothly for you. I wanted to let you know that if you post something here between July 22-24 that I won't be able to answer it. I am having emergency eye surgery on a surprise hole in the macula of my right eye. Afterwards I have to spend three days in a chair looking at the ground and not moving day or night. @bestVase7265
Hoping that your week went well. @RhysThe3rd
You ever been to that space? Your head is quiet, so is your environment, but not quite empty. Stillness, but the good kind, not the one that makes you want to jump off a five story building.
Anywho, things slowed down for a bit. It's nice to be in this space. Negative thoughts swirling in my head, distorting everything, is overwhelming. During it, I wanted to believe in some truth, even if it's a distorted one. Anything but nothing, anything but indecisiveness. I either live or I d*e, limbo is not an acceptable state of being, it's worse than death itself. At least with death there's resolution, while limbo perpetuates confusion and suffering without any way out.
Now what? A rhetorical question.
I guess I'm just tired, but I don't allow myself to feel so. It's unfair, I haven't earned my rest. My spendings haven't been proportional to my work. This is the source of my internal friction, do we get the good stuff despite not doing much work? If we did despite of it, there will be some feelings of guilt and self resentment that follows.
Being born with wealth sometimes makes me feel guilty about having more than others, like I need to earn it in someway and not just be born into it. So I felt this invisible pressure to give or earn my wealth in some way. The constant pressure and stress I've placed on myself from this ironically spur me to be more apathetic, arrogant, and narcisstic, because worrying about every little thing is mentally exhausting. "Why should I feel bad about my advantage in life?"
So, what conclusion shall I draw from this rant? Stop worrying too much and overthinking things.
Heh, my friends used to call me out on it.
Although, I don't know what to do about that thought, "I'm going to d*e alone". It overpowers everything, turning lies into truths, turning ambigous response into a negative one. The catalyst. Life is not absolute in nature. Yet, whenever the thought resurface, it becomes absolute.
You know, they say depression is the HIV of mental illness as it disables the very defense mechanism against it. I can only be so conscious and contradictory of it as long as I'm in the right state of mind and body. Most of the time though, that's not the case.
I haven't gotten into therapy again since the price outweigh the output. Cutting has been an effective coping mechanism, though, I can't just casually do that. It has to be under an emotionally strenuous circumstances for me to override my logic centers and hurt myself.
I don't know if you care to read any of this. I mean, why would you? You don't get anything out of it, you don't get anything from me. Why do I even care to share this entry of any of you? I guess I'm kind of expecting some form of communication. Like screaming at the dark, hoping for another to echo back.
It's kind of lonely actually, I'm not usually open about any of this. I mean, I don't speak much. At some point I just gave up on it. My voice is too small and I don't know how to hold a conversation on my own. So, naturally, I default into staying silent, observing people from the sidelines.
Since I have no one to communicate with, that's how entries came to be. I mean, it's better than talking with plants, my dad actually berated me about it, calling me insane. I miss having someone to talk with about stuff other than studies for once. Plenty of people come and go, and it became tiring at one point. I stopped caring about people, even though my field demands immense empathy.
Friends too busy with work, or their other friends, I'm pretty much on my own. It's how it's always been. I could never fit the cog, always an outsider, observing, hoping.
So, I isolate. Why waste time and energy on someone that doesn't even care. Now dying alone feels like a gentle promise. It's just how it is.
There's no concrete resolution to this entry because the problem lie dormant, for now. It'll probably resurface again and you'd see my write about wanting to k*ll myself again, it's just how it is. You too probably got used to it. The scars, new ones were added, old ones forms callouses.
I really don't know what to do, I thought it was clear to me. Do I really have to inflict pa*n on myself to even function properly? The sting, I've grown accustomed to the sting. Both of my arm is ruined, it's hard to dismiss.
But who cares anyway, I certainly don't. If pain is the price of normalcy, then so be it.
Ok, when you are cutting then you are definitely in need of therapy. Therapy typically takes a year or more to work. You have to be very patient with it, but it does help. It is most definitely worth the cost. I have been through periods of self harm myself. You can figure out how to manage that too.
The space that you are in is one where you are tired and living in an almost emotionless state. It feels less painful but it really is a hard one to manage.
I will always care enough to read your messages. I don't need to get anything from it. Being kind to others helps you find yourself. I get tons from it. It might help you as well to feel less guilty and overwhelmed by everything. I will always echo back. It is what keeps me sane. You can easily become a listener on here. Friendship doesn't have to be in person.
Depression may be like HIV in that you can also stabilize with it. You don't always stay stable, but you can be in a much better place most of the time.
I am not in a particularly good place myself right now to be honest. My father's health is failing and I need to have serious eye surgery this month so I don't lose my sight. I am very much here to respond to your messages though. I will only be completely unavailable between July 22-24 due to the surgery where I have to sit motionless for 3 days in a chair sitting upside down.@RhysThe3rd
Hey, it's that time again. Just me and my notepad, alone. Hah..
I felt lethargic today, as if I could lie on my bed.
Everything felt so easy when she was still around. She was everything. She was my future, my motivation, my source of happiness. I was willing to throw away everything for her. My fatigue and pain became insignificant. I had someone to live for, and I felt alive.
Now she's gone, so is my hope of a better future. The plans I once thought were so clear now lay wasted. I lost any motivation to even get out of bed. I want to rot here for the rest of the day.
=------=------=
I ended up attending a friend's gathering. It helps me kickstart some stuff, but after I get back home, the problems will be back.
"What does it matter?" The sentence I've been repeating lately. I've reached a point where every attempt at conjuring a reason for being feels hollow, always followed by "what does it matter?". Now I'm just living by stimulation, or if triggered.
I thought being surrounded by friends would change things. Not even the chatter, the laughter, or the attempted conversation can compete with my emptiness.
=------=------=
No, I din't pick this path because it brings me joy. I picked it because it promises me safety, a stable future, even if I have to sacrifice myself in the process. How does one find happiness in all of this.. The lectures, practicum, tutorials, organisations, and still have time to play games, fool around, and hike fricking mount rinjani on the weekends. It was a risk I'm too afraid to take. But then again, _if not now then when? Where does the finish line end?_ I just wanted to do good, _even if it meant sidelining yourself?_ I don't know_
I don't know what to do m8, my problems, "I hate myself" I'm unlovable" "I'm a burden" the list goes on, I felt powerless to act on them. I don't know what to do. I feel so powerless, I don't know what to do ( T- T)
I am so sorry that you are struggling so much at the moment. Please reconsider going back to therapy, It really can help you get back on a better path and find meaning. @RhysThe3rd
"It appears you're having difficulty with chat-based consultation-"
Uh, no. It shouldn't be a problem if the consultation was not limited to 30 minutes! Even the psychologists have to shorten their speech to adjust for the time! It was a speedy consultation; nothing changed, but they left me with some assignments.
In the end, the consultation doesn't do much but address what is already known, but the act of spending money on the consultation itself is what grounded me. So that's what I did: I indulged myself and rested whenever possible. I guess this is the pragmatic framework for moving forward.
=------=------=
"Why would anyone want to be with me?"
Everything was going well after the consultation until this thought arose again, and I felt my depression come back in full force. I don't know what to do, I couldn't talk back at it. I felt powerless to stop it.
I'm considering taking meds, I'm done with emotions and negative thoughts ruining my life. If I have to live life whilst dead inside, then so be it. Tomorrow I'm going to asked a psychiatrist to prescribed me some antidepressants. I know the side effects and I don't care. It's not like I can k*ll myself anyway.
I think I often took it for granted, this moment off contentness with myself. Thanks to the shared conversation I had with a senior friend, I've decided to take a more proactive approach to addressing my negative thoughts. Despite it, I'm still avoiding certain thoughts that I couldn't face yet. I think you're quite familiar with this, "I'm unlovable," and "Why would anyone want to be with me?" Just by bringing this up, I'm risking myself on another depressive episode. It's hard for me to conjure up any answer that would put me in a good light. I'm just sadden at how I let myself settle on a negative conclusion for so long. That whenever positive ones do come, I'd negate it. I think that I'd refer to a therapist for this matter.
I'm not in any way wrong or deserving of a harsh criticism for not having the answers to a long-standing negative belief. In fact, due to its chronic nature, it has impaired my ability to answer it. As if I lied to myself for so long that the truth is burried beneath a deep and intricate networks of logical fallacy. This is why a third perspective, that of a professional who's experienced in this kind of matter, could be a moderator to what is a sensitive topic that can end up with a inaccurate conclusion if not approached delicately.
I love this moment of peace and stability. Improvement feels easier when I'm not sabotaging any step I took. With a mix of therapy and help from close friends, I hope healing does come to fruition, at last ( T- T).
Both of these messages show some good steps in a positive direction. I like the idea of considering depression medication if you find it necessary. It took me a while to find the right one and then I was on that for just a few years but have since weaned myself off of it. I do have to take really low doses of anxiety medication so that I will sleep. But mental illness is changing brain chemicals and sometimes you do need adjustments.
Most of the time I can control my bad thoughts, but not all the time. It is again part of a permanent condition that I just keep fighting like someone would fight coronary disease or diabetes. Once you accept that then you can really work towards healing. It sounds like you are doing a good job with that. @RhysThe3rd
I'm trying not to lose myself in this fatigue. My mind and body are screaming at me to take a rest. For context, I'm pulling all-nighters for an assignment. We were given 13 learning tasks to answer before tomorrow's group discussion. This is too much for the usual 5 learning tasks, especially when all the questions about explaining complex topics require much brain work. My brain, at this point, can no longer run its cognitive function.
I'm writing this because I did something good today. I comforted a struggling friend and assisted in transporting a friend home. I'm doing something selfless for once, and that's admirable. However, I feel as though, due to my decreased cognitive function, my negative thoughts are starting to dawn on me.
This is just a phase, a terrible, exhausting, and mentally taxing phase. It will pass, so there is no need to lose myself. No need to adhere to those negative thoughts. I am not them, nor do they reflect who I am. Don't lose me, me, it's hard to find myself.
What you are starting to pick up on (and this is a good thing) is the limits of what your brain can handle. Once you accept and work within those limits then you can keep healing happening. Most people aren't quite as aware of where those limits are and they get themselves in trouble.
I definitely cannot pull all-nighters. Even if it means studying less, I don't do them. They make my brain too thick. I also know that I need to eat during periods of high stress. If I don't I have panic attacks.
I should let you know that I will not be answering as quickly next week. I am having emergency eye surgery on the 22nd and then will be forced to stay completely still looking downwards for 3 days. I am not doing all that well right now emotionally in handling it all, but I am trying. @RhysThe3rd
I have returned but still can't see much. I will try to read messages when you begin posting again. I hope that things are going okay.@RhysThe3rd
I think I noticed where my perfectionistic tendencies might have come from. In doing my assignments, I notice that I have these expectations. I wanted to be that person who provided the _most_ valid correct answer during a discussion, the most competent person in the room, and the person the instructor looks to as a model student. I also forgot to mention that our grades are based on our performance during the discussion, and when it comes to grades, I'm very competitive about it. So I go out of my way to do my assignments, sacrificing hours of rest and attention. Then I get upset or jealous at people for outdoing me during the discussion.
I also noticed how, in doing all of this, I'm hoping to attract the attention of the person I'm looking for. I want to prove to them that I will go beyond my limits to accomplish what I seek. That I'm _worth_ it.
After writing all this, doing my assignments on just 3 hours of sleep feels even more sour. Because I'm trying to fill in the possible holes in people's answers, hoping to dominate the discussion.
I just.. I tried everything, friend. Going to a psychologist, meeting a psychiatrist, neither of them gave me the answer to put this dilemma to rest. That's kind of how I kick-started this redemption path. Because when all methods failed, I'm the only one who can fix myself. But even then, I don't have the answer to, "Will I find love again?" Or "why would someone want to be with me?". The problem just slipped under the rug since I tried getting enough sleep, food, and indulging myself occasionally.
It's nice to have you back friend 🫂
All of those psychological things take lots of time and patience. Don't give up on the doctor's help quite so quickly.
We are a lot alike in that perfectionist way. Mine isn't in the classroom exactly, but it is with doctors. I want to be the perfect patient which causes me way too much anxiety and stress. Even when I feel that I have done everything perfectly, I think I have failed. It makes me highly stressed as I try to heal and I don't bounce back quickly when I hear good news because I don't trust it. Everyone else is like "yeah" and I am like my anxiety doesn't disappear that quickly. Then I feel guilty.
We are both enough. We can both find love and we can both find routes out of perfectionism. But we have to grant ourselves grace and know that it takes time. @RhysThe3rd
If I'm enough, then why.. haven't I found love again. I hate talking about this again.. again and again.. because it's just a dead end problem. I've spent a substantial amount of money just to be told, "Slowly let go of her," like, f*cking how!? The reason I'm even obsessed with relationship is that for most of my life I have to deal with my abusive parents and having to agree to all of their demands. So it feels very nice for a boy to not ridicule my feelings like my parents do! And it's no wonder that they're my first crush! That I wanted to go back into that feeling of acceptance and comfort!
I just.. I don't want to talk about this m8. I've tried everything, believe me I do.. I just can't.. Why can't someone just love me what is wrong with me.. ( T- T)
I am going to start a new thread below so that the print doesn't get too small. @RhysThe3rd
In answer to your question of the supposed disconnect between my saying that you are enough and not finding love again is two-fold:
1) You haven't had enough time in your life to find love. Love takes tremendous amounts of work to find and keep and is not always rosy. It is something you just have to be patient in locating and not having a relationship doesn't say anything about the quality of you as a person.
2) That being said - you have to believe that you are enough in order to find love to begin with. Until you can do the hard work of self care and figuring out how to believe in you then it is hard to find someone else to believe in you. This is why you do therapy and usually for several years at a minimum.
You know that becoming a doctor isn't easy and it takes hard work. So does taking care of you. There is no way around the hard work and just giving up on therapy after a few months or a few sessions won't get you where you want to be. Having been abused means that you have thoughts in your mind that you need to work through. But I have great confidence in you (more so than in others that I find on here) that you can get there. You are very aware of your own emotions and where they come from. That is better than a lot of other people. Commit yourself to self-care the way that you do to your studies and the love stuff will come.
I guess the harsh truth is what would help me in the end. It's not conformity, I made a logical conclusion based off of self reflection. I just don't know where to go with my treatment. Probably because I'm not sure what my problems are to begin with. I guess I have a problem with needing other people in my life, but then that is revealed to be a lack of self-love on my part. I also have a troubled past that continues to haunt me in the present.
I guess it is flawed to deeply ingrained my worth with my perfomance. It's just a conclusion I made a long time ago by watching other people. I observed in my highschool that if you're competent, smart, and can be held accountable, people naturally gravitate towards you. So I aim to be at the top of my class, and I did end up in tenth place out of the thirty six of my class after years of headaches inducing studies in my tuition school. In the end, it did garner some respect among my classmates, but I wasn't fully satisfy with it.
It was also at this time that my troubles with relationship is at its worst, so I was really desperate for a relationship. Guess what conclusion that I made? "If I just get admitted into med school, one of the hardest existing studies in academia, maybe people will start to notice me". So that's what I did, I sold my soul to that endeavour. I studied from sunrise 'till sunset. I felt jealous over a couple I meet with in my tuition school, so that gave me the bitterness that motivates me to further push myself beyond my limits.
At the same time, I feel so broken during this periode. "I" din't really exist. It was just study, study, study. I held on to the belief that had I just studied more, bleed myself more, someone _will_ see through all of this and find me worthy of a partner, even my tuition school kept selling this idea to me. Because if not, what was it all for? So it became and all-or-none pursuit. The day of the admission announcement was also going to be my last day if things din't turn out the way I wanted it. But somehow, miraculously, I got accepted into med school. Even then, that hope, that yearning, has yet to come.. So I just kept raising the bar. Until I ended up with another finish line, "If I'm not a professor of medicine and a cancer surgeon, I'm not enough.
Sorry if this derails a bit from what you said. I do agree that meditation is helpful, but in the end, I kept going back to that same question. I've exhausted all my methods m8.
Now, I'm afraid, I felt that very same bitterness encroach in every aspect of my life. Because wherever comparison is possible, there's always a spot for the best. I'm writing this as I just kept seeing couple in the medias I've read and the places that I go to that it just filled me with this burning jealousy that I'm willing to end this crippling depression just to prove that I'm better than them.
Conformity never helps anyone. There is no perfect job out there that everyone respects you either. You get respect in my view from how you treat other people, not exactly from how hard you work.
But what you have in front of you is a giant knot of you and your history and emotions to untangle. It can be really hard to know where to begin. That is where therapy comes in. It unravels the knot. What is really frustrating about knots is that you only see that you are on the right path gradually. One week you are working on one part of the knot and then next week you are somewhere different. But you are working on the knot and getting to a better spot.
You are going to find yourself in what makes you happy. It isn't going to be in impressing others at all. It is going to be in listening to them. @RhysThe3rd
I'm sorry, but it seems like every time I try to engage with you, I get directed to therapy time and time again. Perhaps my condition have reach that level of severity, or rather it's something that you'd want me to take with someone with more knowledge on the matter 😞
I absolutely don't think that your condition has reached any new level of severity that suddenly demands some kind of intervention. Sorry if I came across that way.
I actually think everyone could benefit from lots of therapy. It is the only reason that I suggest it. It is much less that you are "too far gone" and much more "your mind is ready to be opened and transformed because you have already done lots of hard thinking work". Does that difference make sense?
You are so much better than when you started here a few years ago. I know that it doesn't really feel like it most of the time. But I have actually been impressed by you, not the reverse. You can do this and find a path to a much more loving, fulfilling life. I believe in you above all. Therapy is merely a means to help you get there. @RhysThe3rd
"All I did was being busy"
I met my psychologist again to discuss about my troubles. But when my friend added that, when asked how he got a boyfriend, it just broke me again.
He's not a med student, he din't go through what I did to get here. I'm an international student of a medical faculty damn it! I'm part of the 2% of this entire faculty! I'm a medical support team trainee, committees of six events, was I not busy enough!? Have I not bleed enough!?
It hurt so much m8 ( T- T). Is there something wrong with me.. something so so wrong with me that there's a variable I'm missing in this entire equation..
It was at that moment that I realized what I was facing is the absurd itself. That no matter how many equations I come up with, and variables I align, the result won't always be what I hope it'd be. So really.. my anguish is over nothing. It's not that my effort was wrong or wasn't enough, it simply din't matter. Because the result is subjected to a roll of a dice. In the end, I was just not lucky enough.
My anguish was over nothing.
But then again, I've heard stories of successful doctors still being single into their 30s. I don't know 😞
I can feel your anguish in this one. I am so, so sorry.
Unluckily, I am a little unclear what exactly happened and who made the painful comment and when. Could you tell me a little more about what happened and what memories that it brought back? @RhysThe3rd
It doesn't matter now. I tried to be hopeful, friend. I tried to be kind and caring. I seek communities, people that will help me along the way. I tried my best to be helpful. Time and time again.. what I was met with is cold indifference. I guess it's no wonder that I've been so keen on ending myself in the past. How can people live with the absurdism of this life 😞
It ALWAYS matters because you always matter. When you tell the stories and get them out onto a screen or a piece of paper or even out loud then they aren't floating around in your head like a giant wrecking ball. I'd love to read the whole story whenever you are ready. Stories give form to everything which keeps you away from despair. @RhysThe3rd
I found that internal motivation feels more natural to me. Like tending to a tree and hoping it grows..
At the end of every day, all I have is myself, but it doesn't mean I should succumb to isolation. Others willingly come into my life, and I feel grateful for it. My effort has borne fruit 🫂
Sorry I couldn't give a proper response, I'm quite exhausted 😔
You know.. I've been thinking about it a lot. For a male, I'm quite feminine. Though I'm not the kind that wears a skirt, though tempting. I sometimes even think of wishing I was born a girl. Because all of my traits and quirks doesn't seem to fit in a male body. Sorry if this is a short post.. just needed your thoughts on it 🫂
You are allowed to be exhausted and keep messages short. I am really, really exhausted right now myself. I am still recovering from surgery, dealing with about 50 emails a day, and am in the middle of 18 days at work without a break.
Internal motivation is great. You just have to keep it up.
As far as the masculine/feminine thing, as I have gotten older I have accepted more that we are all on a gender spectrum and we have bits of both within us. I definitely have days that I feel more male. I think we make a mistake when we put people in boxes with permanent labels. No gender role fits everyone all the time and we deserve more freedom to be who we want when we want. Does that make sense? @RhysThe3rd
I guess. It means that I don't have to feel bad about myself for being different. It just means I'm all the more unique.
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Am I really such a bad person.. I know I'm being harsh on myself. Maybe I'm too childish or unserious sometimes, or even too serious. Maybe it's the way I don't usually star conversation.. I just.. I don't why I haven't found love yet..
I know that I'm enough, despite of everything. Which is why I'm letting down my perfectionism, even at the cost of my academic perfomance. Because then again, doing well academically doesn't get me a date. So I'll just engage academia within a healthy boundary.
Even then, I'm still haunted by the question. I can't help but feel my heart longs it at every moment. The way I always seem to look into the distance.
Maybe I'm just.. tired, I really am. I really miss having that kind of person in my life.. I can try to be kind with myself until then.
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After some thinking, I decided to take life a bit easier. It really sucks to realise that academic excellence doesn't get you a date, so I tried to focus more on myself this time. It's kind of silly how after all this time, I'm still keen on that pursuit. It's almost as if I crave it... Every time I think back to the times with my ex, I tried to understand what is it that I'm trying to come back to. Someone I can study with, play with, talk with after a long day, go out with, and something I can look forward to everyday. I guess I just.. feel lonely a lot. It's nice to appreciate and be appreciated, to helped and be helped.
I know that I'm enough, that my circumstances is just isn't in my favour. I don't know what I'm doing with this..
You are doing excellent things to move yourself forward by seeing yourself as a whole person rather than just an academic.
The love and relationship stuff take time. My story: no high school dates ever, not even to dances. No one was interested in me at all. I was very much the school pariah and I was heavily bullied. First date was around age 20. That relationship only lasted two dates before I realized that I didn't find the guy attractive. Second date: age 23-24. We dated also for about 2 dates before I realized that he was very different than me. Third date: about 6 months later. I knew by the end of the date that we were meant for one another. We have been married 30 years. I had to wait for YEARS to find the right one and I had very little dating experience. I doubted myself ALL the time.
You already have much more experience than I ever had. Give yourself time and keep looking rather than getting anxious that it won't happen. @RhysThe3rd
How have things been? I have been thinking about you. @RhysThe3rd
Sorry for the long wait. I was hoping to write you a proper response, but never had fhe time to because it's exam week.. ( ´ー`)
I understand. Take your time. We are currently dealing with trying to get my dad into end of life care so my own answers may be short for a bit.
@RhysThe3rd
Maybe I'm tired, but I have that fear of dying alone again... I'm not humorous, nor am I charismatic, or have whatever other traits that people in a relationship exhibit. Sometimes I just feel like I'm too different its isolating and depressing. I know that you met your husband at 25.. but that's under the usual circumstances. I'm a bisexual, atheist medical student in a muslim majority country... I just don't know why someone will love me. I've tried talking about it with my therapist, but they've only superficially addressed it. I'll never find love will I? 😞
I've been good.. I've been nothing but good and helpful. It was never enough.. I'll never be good enough..
I am glad that you are talking it over with your therapist. Keep doing that and bring that fear up. Your lack of self worth is at the center of your struggle. But it is workable and moldable into something different. I have also struggled with it.
It can be helpful to see us as more similar than different too. I believe that I too am bisexual, though I doubt I would have had the courage to give myself that label in my 20s. I too live in a world of religious radicalism.
But we don't have to be the same or in the same circumstances for life to come up with new plans out of the blue for either one of us. I have felt this even more as I watch my father dying. There is so much out there that we can't control. We just do the best day to day and try to get enough sleep so the bad doesn't feel quite so overwhelming. @RhysThe3rd
There's no hope in any of this. There's no point in continuing. It will come to an end 😞
I'm losing hope
I've been grappling with chronic depression, anxiety disorder, and existential dread for the past couple of years. I was so desperate in looking for a partner, someone worth investing my life on, that all other things fell second place. I just feel like nothing really matters in this life. I'll be dead, everything I do will be irrelevant three generations down. My existence will be forgotten. Why bother with anything...
For the longest of time, looking for a partner has been my most unwavering motivation in life. It even allowed to do things I previously thought possible, like being admitted into med school because that's the idea they've been selling me. But now, one years in, despite giving all of my efforts, all of my time and work into my academia, I don't feel any closer to what I'm striving for.
One day I just realized that all of my effort is for nothing. No matter what I do, there's just something so incompatible, so abnormal about me that connection with another human being felt near impossible. I started to feel alien among my college mates.
I desperately seek for communities, activities, a definite truth, a certainty, something that I can hold on to in this life. In the end it always come to the same conclusion, "Why bother? What does it even matter?"
After multiple attempts in therapy going nowhere, wasting me several hundreds of money, not to mention my hopeless medical degree, and the constant venting to my friend, I just feel like I'm a broken burden. That a rope around my neck is cheaper than any other therapy, is cheaper than the entirety of medical degree tuition. It would also end this endless chase, this endless confusion and existential angst.
I truly feel like it's the only way out of this... I'm not even bothered by the fact that I'm starving or sleep deprived, because it's just worldly problems. The dead wouldn't have to bother with such matter no more.
I so want to help you right now because you deserve it and you have come so far. You are going through a horrible patch right now and I recognize that and its pain.
But you not being here is not the answer. You are needed on earth for many more things than any relationships that you might have. You were placed here for a reason.
I wish that I could offer more than those meager words right now. But my dad is dying and it is horrible. The grief is overwhelming. I don't want to be mourning you too. Neither do the people in your life. @RhysThe3rd
Know that I am still thinking about you. @RhysThe3rd
So glad to see you liking the posts. It means you are still with us. I really meant it when I said losing you in any way would be devastating for me right now. @RhysThe3rd
I was momentarily dreaming of a life I have long for, the longing must have manifested in my subconscious state. It felt as if it was hours, we were walking together, road to road under the hopeful, downpour and night of the city. We care not of our surroundings, only of each others presence, how encaptivating she was. It wasn't long before this dream blurred into the reality I live in.
"Wake up to reality! Nothing is ever certain in this accursed world" 😞
Live marches on, time continued to tick, and reality brought forth an ultimatum: to be still, or to take upon another step in life?
Just like that, I was back in the motion of life. Fighting for an uncertain future, whilst living an uncertain reality. I just feel alone in this existence 😞
Having dreams isn't a bad thing at all even if they haven't turned into reality yet.
You mentioned an uncertain present and an uncertain future. You are right about that uncertainty. But you have no idea which direction that uncertainty is going to go. It can also go in a much better direction suddenly. It is what makes life doable.
Depression keeps you from seeing the possibility of the sudden improvement. I continue to live in *** myself. Chaos at work, my father in hospice, recent eye surgery, upcoming gynecological exploratory surgery, teaching a course overload that makes me so exhausted that my eyes cross. But as my therapist reminded me tomorrow is always 50/50. The bad can suddenly turn around. I am going to try with all of my soul to aim for that while working hard to solve as many issues as possible on my own. @RhysThe3rd
This fog.. the route.. I thought I was sure where I'm going. I don't know what matters anymore. Everything is temporary, everything is fragile, the smallest mistake makes the inkling of hope wither...
Friends leave, lovers & family die, objects break, and goals... comes and go. I'm once again at the crossroads of life. To sleep, or continue to wallow this absurd state. There's no salvation waiting for me, nor damnation, for I believe neither. What awaits is far crueler, far more melancholic, nothingness. I was born out of it. Were the cries that I first did were out of sadness, that out of the many potential consciousness, I was the chosen one brought to endure this absurd existence, this temporary existence. Even then, immortality will grew dull over time.
I should probably just sleep... I just.. I don't know, I feel so lost in life. I'm not sure where I'm going, or why..
How foolish it was, that I used to chase love. Hahah... all of the things I did, just to be enough for someone...
Those sleepless nights, how my heart threatened to stop, the scars I've etched on myself and endured, all just so I'm enough for someone...
In reality, not everything is _man jadda wa jadda_. There's just something in life that is completely out of our lives. That some things occur to people because their fortunate, not hard working...
This _absurdity_... What's even left... I've put all my eggs in one basket, an absurd basket. Now I'm not sure where to go, or why...
The goal that was once so clear, once so certain, is gone. This is the liminal space.
Hah.. I felt like an impostor, a humanoid. A being mimicking what the living does. One that is driven by impulse, autonomy absent.
What am I even writing hahahahhahah... It cares not for my suffering.
I'm left imagining, what is it like to have my life taken from me. Will it be daunting, liberating?
Hahah.. I don't know about anything. I act like a know, a common coping mechanism in people with narcissim. Trying to put themselves above others to satisfy that ache of perhaps my existence don't matter at all.
Good night 🫂
I am so sorry that it has taken so long for me to answer and unluckily my answer will be quite brief. My own head space is the worst that it has been in 5 years. But I know that it will lift again, just like it will for you. You are needed here. Now. You will find a better path because you are stronger than you know. @RhysThe3rd
Hoping that things are feeling a bit better now.@RhysThe3rd
Letting you know that I continue thinking about you and hope that things are a bit smoother now. @RhysThe3rd
After months of feeling lost, I feel like I've hit rock bottom. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've been acquainted with different therapists all saying I'm in a transition phase in life without giving any clear steps forward. I often feel alone in this struggle which only exacerbated things even further. It has reached to a point where ending things here wouldn't make much difference. I don't have any hope for going forward. Life's impermeance and the inevitable death made me nihilistic towards hope. I just... don't know what to do... Therapy is really expensive, for every meeting that went no where I just felt more of a burden to my parents than I already am. I've been keeping myself from my addiciton, its never what I wanted and the intention help me. But now I know what I've been running from and I don't know if I can bare another year with it 😞
I just need guidance during this... I dont trust my own voice...
I know how hard you are struggling and I am sorry that I haven't been with it enough lately to help. I am going to try now though not much in my life has shifted. My dad is still alive and has been in hospice care for 3 months, I have spent the last 5 months wondering if I have uterine cancer but can't be tested until mid January, and the vitrectomy that I had on my right eye due to a macular hole has led to cataracts and I can no longer see well enough to drive.
But I refuse to let that stop me from reaching out to help and to ask for help. I think that both of those are key for all of us. You said that you don't trust your own voice. Yet you are actually doing good things with that voice right now in not giving in to your addiction. You should be proud of yourself for that.
Life may indeed feel quite directionless at the moment. Sometimes you find that direction by just continuing to move forward. I am going to suggest a short book that might give you some insight - Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak. As I said it is quite short and it is a little weird at points. But one thing that it really allows you to be is lost. It has helped me out on a number of occasions. Ignore the slightly religious tone to the book. For him listening to your inner voice is what religion is. He isn't trying to convince people of anything.
So give the book a shot and tell me what you think. I am anxious to see if it might help. @RhysThe3rd
I have a second book title to share with you. I just finished reading it and found it particularly powerful. It is called Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig. It is a very rich telling of his own battle with depression and anxiety. I think much of it will ring true for you and you will learn lots about how to manage things.
I hope that the last few days have been okay for you. I have been thinking about you. @RhysThe3rd
Grandma is getting older, same for mum and dad too, although mum is good at keeping appearances. It's hard to ignore dad's growing white hairs.
They're still here.. that's what matters. I.. needed to stop ruminating so much. I'm scared of loss 😞
Writing down below.@RhysThe3rd
I totally understand that fear of loss. It really points to how little control we have. But if anything, the last year has taught me that we have no idea when anything will happen. My dad has been dying now in hospice for four and a half months. He stopped eating for a week in November and we thought he would go then. But then he started back up again and he seems to get enough calories to survive. I would like to see him not suffering any more. So it is all hard. But somehow you manage.
I'm sorry to hear that. It must've been a distressing time. I do hope his conditions get better :(
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It was a series of trial and error, but I think I have a clear picture now. Proper planning precedes a proper day, and conscious intention precedes proper planning. If I let a day go by unplanned and without a target, I'll be slacking off. Having a target alone is not enough; there's also a self-discipline vs. self-indulgence going on, where I have to own up to what I intend to do. From what I've observed, I feel more at peace if I do most of what I set out to do than when I don't. It also gave clarity to my day, rather than constant thought loops. Mild stability is finally achieved after more than a month of constant setbacks.
Unfortunately, med school is coming back in a couple of weeks. Not that I hate it, I just got back to square one, and I don't know if I'm ready to have it taken away from me again. I still don't know where I want to go, nor what kind of person I want to be. I just hoped that this newfound soil would sprout a fulfilling life and future. That I finally learned my lesson.
A new spring has come? Maybe even one that lasts? (Hopefully)
That actually sounds really good from your end. Finding that proper balance of working and resting is hard. But you are right that keeping somewhat busy without it being overwhelming can make things much more stable eventually.
Med school isn't necessarily going to take you back too far. Be open to the possibility that your new stability can last. I think that's one of the hardest parts of all of this - looking around and feeling a little better and presuming that it will all go away. But it won't necessarily. Some days may feel like back sliding but that doesn't mean all is lost.
It is okay not to know what kind of person you want to be or what you want to do. Almost no one knows at your age. Heck, some days I don't even know. Life is constantly evolving and as long as you don't stop it in its track by worrying, things can kind of move forward on their own. Doors closing behind you are as important as the ones that open in front of you. Keep listening to that inner voice when it tells you "hey, I kind of like this". Those are the things that you go for.
My life has also been continued flux for the last year and a half or so. My dad continues in hospice. I am facing two more eye surgeries in another month. Work has been very hard and emotionally messy of late. But I keep trying. I have to catch some kind of break soon. I did find out that I don't have cancer so that is a plus. We move forward. @RhysThe3rd
My friend brought up the idea that I need to get over my self-worth issues before entering another relationship.
I thought the idea to be absurd. It's been with me for FIVE YEARS. It's as part of me as every scar on my body that was inflicted by it. It's like facing an authority that, no matter what, has the final say and will lay out the evidence against me.
It's worse when I'm having an episode where it replays all the mistakes I made, making me feel worse about myself and feel undeserving of love.
I just don't know what to do with it. I know I should do something about it, but the very notion ilict some resistance from myself
Sorry for not writing anything, two romantic rejections in a month and a research paper to work on will be the end of me 😞
Your friend is right. You have to find a way to love yourself. It is a scary path, but I really believe that you can do it. In fact, you are already on it. What you don't know is not how to start on that path, but instead how to continue it. It might be easier to imagine it that way.
You will have bouts of self-doubt and loathing at times, but what you are really looking towards is creating longer gaps between those moments. You are doing that. The battle just isn't won yet.
So what's the next step? Some more talk therapy would probably help, but if you aren't up for that then keep working on the personal self care. Find books that talk about how to love yourself and make sure you read from them daily. Make sure you are exercising and eating well. Write down something each day that you do well.
I know my advice may sound "easier said than done" and I get that totally. I am going through a really, really rough patch myself with four surgeries since July, dad is hospice, wondering for five months if I had cancer because it took so long to get screened, and mom having a major car accident last week where she nearly died. On top of that is my own collapse of self esteem at work in which I have been gaslighted for the last 6 months and told that I had no right to be upset over being kicked out of meetings, lied to and yelled at. And I very much have felt myself slipping. But I keep reminding myself that to give in to the self hatred, anxiety and everything else hurts only me. The only way I can be victorious is to keep trying to move forward on my hands and knees if necessary. I am bigger and better than my mental illness. You are too.
@RhysThe3rd
How have things been going? I have been thinking about you. I have been going through a rough patch myself so I apologize for not writing more often. I am still on here every other day if you want to chat. @RhysThe3rd
I'm sorry for not writing anything lately. I was in a really dark place, not knowing where to go in life, yet my soul wouldn't give any movement. It was a torment to be in that spot
I found hope and peace in someone, though I fear any feeling of being unreciprocated. I love helping her; seeing her smile is such a grace for me. It comforts me to know that I'm not alone in this existential dread, that someone can relate to it as well. Which is why now I wish to be there for her when things get dark... Though lately my dreams have confronted me with many fears related to her, how I fear losing her presence and importance...
Is this love? I don't know, but I really do love bringing joy to her. Seeing her smile, that kind of feeling that has been foreign to me now has found its meaningful place... I just wanted for her to know that she's not alone in her struggle...
I once asked her whether she ever wanted to travel away from her home, to which she joked, "Yeah, if you pay for the bill though lol". Part of me couldn't help but hope for that, to gift her with new experiences.
Though I suppose she got that in this semester break, and I was saddened that I wasn't there with her. She's attending a medical student conference in the capital. It's a 7-day event, so it gave me time to finish all of my work before I could spend time with her again.
I'm also planning on writing a letter of appreciation for her. Much of the effort has gone towards the aesthetic of the letter itself, but I'm struggling of thinking of something to write. Hopefully the words will come to mind in time before her arrival home...
I am glad that you have found someone who is bringing meaning to your life right now. Is that love? It could very well be. Love is always a risk with your heart but it is worth it because it brings you happiness. But love is notoriously hard to define.
What you just wrote to me is very clearly the start of your letter to her. Be willing to be bold and take a risk. Talk about what seeing her smile means to you. Mention that you want her to feel less alone in the world. Those are all good things. Keep listening to her and go slow.
Loving someone is filling yourself with joy, dread, and moments of possible unhappiness. But it is always worth it because you are living and breathing by simultaneously embracing possible happiness and pain.
I have been dealing a great deal with the downside of love lately as I work through the death of my mom and the decline of my father who has been in hospice for 10 months. In some ways it was her abiding love for dad that brought about her death before him. But she would not have regretted that or the love that she had for her kids. I know that I will eventually find peace with all the chaos and things that I am doing now to deal with their possessions and tying up the strings of their lives. That too is part of love. And it too is worth it. @RhysThe3rd
@bestVase7265 My crush has been absent lately. I feel that it has affected my motivation the last couple of days. I dont feel as energized, its hard to get out of the bed, and I dont look forward towards the day. This was her absence, I couldn't fathom what her rejection would be, the collapse of any sense of sensibility, the loss of meaning, of direction.
You have no need to be sorry. You are allowed to feel as you are feeling. And you are allowed to write here any time. It is always better to get your feelings out in written form.
I wouldn't call this person a crush. I would call her a friend. Start from there rather than thinking in more grandiose terms. You miss her and that is important because being with her made you happy. But you CANNOT predict the future or even how she is feeling right now. You can just ASK her whether she might want to get together for coffee or something. Keep it to friendship level and when you are together focus on learning more about her and asking more questions about her life.
When the panic attacks come, work on solving them physically. Get out and walk. Drink some really cold water. Eat sour candy. Do deep breathing exercises. You have the skills to work through things. Live in the present. I know that is absolutely easier said than done. But keep trying. You are worth the effort. Futures evolve. They don't happen in one rough moment that predestine you to a life of unhappiness. @RhysThe3rd
My meanings die with me, so will my value, and anything of importance to me. At least when it comes to others, it will live with them, maybe they'll share it too.
I don't know. I just dont see the point of self-leisure, _experiences contained to myself_, because they're matter will end with me. Nothing that ends with me mattered.
I don't see the point of a sinking ship, but at least I could share my treasures with others whilst afloat 😞
You are sharing with others and you are still floating, not sinking. Whether with friends or with people closer you are still sharing meaning. And if you don't feel like you are sharing enough, find ways to share more. Volunteer your time somewhere. That's sharing and creating meaning. Even things as simple as smiles have tremendous worth.
And I share this with you on the day that my father died at age 94. He had been in hospice care and bound to a bed for 11 months. You ask, "how much sharing can you do there"? But he continued to want share life with anyone who walked into that room. Even in the last few days when he could not communicate, if someone was in the room his mind was working at ways of joining them. It is part of the reason that he died so slowly. He loved being in the presence of anyone.
You can learn to do the same. Just share and be. Create meaning through a cup of coffee with someone or opening a door. Those are enough. You are enough. @RhysThe3rd