Am I stupid ?
Hey people i hope you’re doing well
so my problem is people simply
I always feel that I must help them and I know how to make them feel better and every advice I give it to the is valuable, but i do this without ask so always I do that then I feel like they just took my whole energy and then i feel like I’m empty, so i decide to stop doing this unless they ask me.
why I always want people to be okay and happy and I think i can solve their problems whatever they are.
i am really tired, how to stop helping them and how to give a ***
pleaaaase I need any advice. because in the end of doing that I feel that i gave my energy to someone doesn’t want to change its life and the way it thinking.
@RaghadR0 You're not stupid, it sounds like you're me! But really, many of us have this feeling. For me, this feeling is my own natural desire to help others but it was compounded by the fact that my mother's love was conditional. She only liked me when I was helping her, and she was very cold when I wasn't. For a long time, I felt like I could only "buy" people's love with favors.
One thing that helps me is to remind myself that I cannot help someone without their consent. Also, a person who needs my help...that person should be doing the majority of the work, and I am there to help. I am a teacher, so I will use this as an example for what I mean.
Help Requires Consent: When I was a new teacher, I thought I could reach all my students. I thought as long as I explain something the "right" way, they'll get it. In reality, some of the students were not interested in the course (as a subject) while others were not interested in school. Others still were more interested in socializing than in doing classwork, and some others were distracted with family problems. That means that they did not "consent" to receive my help. I was the one with the idea on fixing their grade, not them. And when presented with the opportunity, they did not want the help. I learned I can provide the help, but they have to ask first. My job is to be as open to them as possible, but I should not be the one constantly reaching out to fix their grade.
The Work is On Them: When I was a new teacher, I used to try to create all kinds of different ways a student could complete an assignment. Sometimes, that's necessary when it comes to disability access or students who have learning disabilities. That's good stuff, it's what a good teacher does. But what I cannot do is create a completely separate lesson plan for a student who just doesn't like writing essays or doesn't like taking tests, or a student who is frequently absent. I also had to stop being the first one to reach out, and I had to stop helping the student with every single question. Students like this became dependent on me, so rather than teaching them how to do the work, they were just waiting for me to make a separate setup for them to cater to them. I was caring about their grade more than they were, which is not how it should be.
I still help out my students, and some teachers still think I do more than I "should". But I think I'm in a good place in terms of helping them without overextending myself. The students who need help come to me, and those who are okay with failing the class do not come to me, and that's where it's at. This helps me focus on the students who actually WANT help instead of spreading myself too thin to try to help everyone (including the students who did not care).
While this is an example specific to my work, it still applies in my personal life as well. I hope it can help you.