An Introduction to My Depression

Nothing makes me happy except a woman who doesn't love me the way I love her. Nothing motivates me. Nothing inspires me. Nothing interests me. I am atrophying - physically and mentally. 

I am insanely depressed. I am a 59-year-old baby. I am on 4 different psych meds and they don't seem to be doing a thing to help me. Unless you compare me to when I am not on them. Then you might say they do help quite a bit. And yet, I am still sitting here in my room/office crying over the fact that I am sitting here in my room/office - without her. Without a life.

I am trying to get back to NY (where she and most of whatever work I can get are). I live in FL, but I have to get out of here. I have been relying on my 'partner' to have the cash to get me out, so I didn't renew my lease. Now I have to go by Oct 31, but I am not sure I will have enough money to go. 

I am likely to be homeless again. 

I have $100 to last the month. 

I am a complete failure.

I have a daughter. So I can't end myself.  

She is 25 and doing mostly ok. But, I wish I didn't have her. She is really the only reason I am still walking the planet. I have no one else who would miss me. If I didn't have her, I'd be just working up the courage to go to sleep forever at this point. Not a bad solution. But I can't do that to my kid. So I'm stuck.

No matter where I look, I find a dead end. And I can't even end myself. 

This really sucks. And, no, I don't want to be grateful that I don't have it worse like so many others. I have been feeling like this for most of my life for one reason or another and I am so tired of it. Now I'm getting old, I am out of shape, I am of no use to anyone, I can hardly be called a man, and I'm tired of it all.