Building New Life

Hi all. I am going to do my best not to ramble and to be focused but that is kind of difficult for me. I guess that things kind of begin last summer for me. I've had people in my life tell me it was a manic episode but it's confusing because at the time, I felt really confident and happy. I ended up being in a relationship for a very short period. I was going out and interacting with people. I've lived at home for a while now and I'm 36. That alone is hard for my self esteem. Last summer I was really angry with my mom as I thought she was being overbearing. I thought I was going to up and runaway, which might sound ridiculous for a 36 y.o. person to say. I was driving around in my car trying to find somewhere to land but people kept turning me away or kicking me out. I dealt with the police frequently that summer. I was hospitalized at times which, one inpatient hospitalization, made me really angry. I was sectioned by my psych at the time. I felt imprisoned for feeling good/angry. When I got out of the hospital, I continued to run around trying to find somewhere to go. I ended up just going home though. I lost my job. I had no friends or anyone who really wanted to communicate with me. I also felt really guilty for how dependent I am on my mom. I attempted suicide and ended up in another hospitalization. All of my medications got changed and I got out because I lied and said I was feeling better. I hated that hospital. There were fights all the time and I couldn't sleep over people screaming and people opening my door every 15 minutes. I felt isolated there so as you can imagine, I felt isolated when I got out. I tried a partial hospital program but I ended up quitting that because I didn't feel I would fit in or be accepted for my life as it is i.e. being jobless and dependent on my mom. Everyone had jobs and an independent life. Plus a clinician there got me sectioned. I was upset. She told me, "I've met people more depressed than you." She was asking me what my favorite tv show was. I had no answer. I had no answers for anyone about who I was and I still struggle with the feeling of lack of identity to this day. Not feeling like I really enjoy anything anymore so how can I tell people what is my favorite anything? Then for about 3 or 4 months I completely cut myself out of the world. I would wake up, eat, play laser with our cat, and watch *** reels. I didn't talk to my mom or anyone. I spent all my time in bed thinking about how pathetic people would think I was to be jobless, single, lonely, dependent on my mom etc. And that's kind of where I'm at. My mom got me a therapist who I didn't want to open up to at first. I have a medication provider but I wasn't opening up to her either. Then after a panic attack where I thought I was avoiding work because of how I was feeling, I started opening up a bit more. I guess now when I look back at that summer, I feel like I was manic, sometimes psychotic... but I also feel upset because it feels like I was abandoned by everyone I knew and was friendly with. It's hard to feel like I was the problem but to rationalize the feelings of abandonment. Just today I tried reconnecting with someone and when I had told them I was really depressed and had been for a while, they ghosted me. I thought to myself... who just ghosts someone that says that they're depressed? But maybe that's way things are. The person who was my closest friend, he only responds to messages once a day. I've felt really insecure about any other connections. I feel like I need to move forward but I feel really stuck. It's like... I've never been able to move past the point I was at when I was suicidal. And with societal pressures, I've just regularly felt like a pathetic person. Trying new medication has been mostly unsuccessful to this point. I have nobody i talk to regularly other than my mom. I guess I don't have anything to specifically ask the community. I would like to try to normalize or validate my experience. It's hard to feel so alone all the time.