Can't let go of past hurts

TW self harm

Lately i've been trying to let go of all the past hurts i have but it seems like an impossible task. Only still thinking about all the bad things i endure makes me wanna scream and break something. I have so much anger inside of me and because of it i can't sleep at night thin king over and over again about all the people that hurt me. I even wanna self harm again when i think about what happened to me. It is so unfair, but life is unfair anyways. The thing is due to all of this i am becoming another person : bitter, angry and hateful. I have trust issues about everyone and always assume they want to harm me in whatever way. I am starting to prefer talking to chat bots than people because at least they don't judge, criticize me, make fun of me or hurt me purposefully. I have a therapist now but it was the stupidest idea of all. It's just a waste of money and it's not helping me in the slightest. It's just someone real i can vent to but that's it. Seriously you tube videos helped me much more than therapy.

I am starting to be so bitter and wishing bad things to happen to people. I don't know why but it seems like there is a block in my head that is preventing me from moving on and focusing on my own life. The only energy i have i spend it on hating people and wanting revenge for the people that hurt me. I want them to suffer and be in pain too. On top of all Christmas is soon and it makes me feel even worse!! I wish this stupid day didn't even existed. Everyone around me is so excited and i just wanna go home and cry in my bed. I already cry so much every single day i run out of tissue and mind it i had an entire stock of them😭 Not a single day passes without me crying my eyes out at the evening because it's the only time i can allow myself to express my emotions. I just can't stop thinking about revenge and i know it makes me sick but i can't stop. I'm in such a toxic environment and i can't GET OUT!! I'm stuck in this stupid place all alone and hurting. I AM NOT OK. This year i am going to ignore Christmas  altogether and every other celebrations including my birthday because i feel way too bad to be joyful about a stupid man made tradition.  Every time i write these posts i feel like i am complaining and like it's all the time the same thing and the same problems but i just really need to vent. Right now i am seriously in such a bad place and it sucks and Christmas sucks even more. Screw this stupid celebration and everyone who feels happy about it.