Close Friendship in Shambles (M/F)

I've been struggling with guilt and heartbreak over the loss of a good friendship. I (M) have known this friend (F) for a few years and we spoke often during that time. A while back, we revealed feelings for each other but both have had a lot to juggle, so we agreed to go slow and never became official. We both knew it was a risk but we got along so great that it seemed like a natural direction. We tried to schedule proper dates but something always came up (sometimes her, sometimes me). Life was chaotic. I thought things were finally stabilizing and that we might finally get that real first date. But then she revealed someone else approached her and she wanted to explore that. I was heartbroken but she was a dear friend and we both wanted to remain friends. I don't know where I went wrong but I know I made a lot of mistakes and regret so much during that time. I was in a good state when we started, but my insecurities started to surface internally and I was more focused on not messing up than making the effort to make her feel special. I did try to be supportive and encouraging when she told me the news, but I was shocked and my body language probably clashed with my words. I'm sure it was a confusing experience for her.

I went home and spiraled. Every negative thought I had about myself suddenly felt validated. Since then, I have been deeply depressed. I have dealt with this much of my life but was making so much progress for a while and this feels like a relapse. I returned to therapy and probably should have never left but I wasn't managing my depression and neglected my well-being because I thought I was still doing okay. Turns out this one glimmer of hope was carrying the load and now it was gone.

I genuinely did and do want to stay friends. The relationship was hypothetical but the friendship was real. She always made my day better when I saw her and she helped me stay on my feet when I didn't realize I was bad off. She is a tremendously kind person. And though I wish we did get together, I don't think it was personal. I really believe she tried to be more but only saw friendship. And her friendship is enough. I don't mean to devalue that.

The problem is that in my spiral, I began to feel like a horrible friend too, so I overcompensated trying to fix imagined errors. I overwhelmed her. I've told other friends (men and women) the full story and had people say I didn't do any one major thing wrong, but the sum of it was a lot given the timing of her callingit off. Basically, I overwhelmed her. Shortly after, she expressed a desire to not even be friends anymore because of that.

I gave it a few days and we talked. I told her what I was going through and explained my erratic behavior. I wanted her to know I wasn't lashing out over the lost relationship. It was a very back and forth conversation. She talked and shared a lot too. I offered to give her more space but she insisted she was okay. At the end, she smiled and seemed relieved we could return to being good friends. Dating and rejection suck but losing her as a friend too would completely devastate me.

I saw her again two weeks later and she was cold. Distant. Not herself. I reached out and asked if she needed space, which she confirmed she did. I don't hold that against her. Sometimes we realize afterwards that a conversation like the one we had is a good step but we still need time. She has had horrible experiences in the past and I didn't know until that day. Her boundaries are important to me. But we both have depression and overthink and even though she promised to reach out at some point, I am scared she'll decide on her own that she's better off without me completely. And tbh I'm struggling, but I dont want to put that weight on her. I have others I am leaning on. But I struggle to forgive myself and I know I'm relying on her to forgive me because of that (which is unhealthy).

I try to stay aware that people perceive things differently. There may be something unintentional that I did to scare her this bad. It feels disproportionate but I know her past is triggering and that male-female dynamics can be a challenge. I want her to feel safe around me. I have a lot of female friends and value boundaries and respect. But I feel so horrible because I keep thinking that maybe I did something really bad (without realizing it) to make her feel this way. I'm not going to reach out until she contacts me first. I'm going to respect her desire for space. I just hate the uncertainty. I hate how much this is weighing on me.

I am continuing to work on me. I do feel lonely and rejected but I know that this is a separate problem and the solution to it is different than my solution to mending our friendship. I'm lucky to still have that at all (if I do). I just really miss our talks and I know I'd be faring so much better if we were talking again. That day I apologized healed my soul and I thought she was in a good place too but obviously the damage I've done is deeper than I realized. I am committed to getting myself back together so I don't spiral and do anything like this again. To her or anyone else. Apologies dont mean anything without taking steps to right the wrong.

I dont think I'm a bad person but I obviously hurt a good friend and I'm very torn up over it. I know she needs time and space and I'm just hoping we can talk again down the road. I feel like if I understand more of what happened, I can take better steps to avoid it from ever happening again.