Depression and anxiety.

I feel like I'm in a perpetual state of dread. I feel anxious almost all the time. It’s not a specific fear, but I feel like something is about to happen. As if I’m going to get home and my kids will be hurt, or my wife will be hurt, or maybe I get fired from my job, or worse maybe I get sued.

The times that I don’t feel that way are when I’m engrossed in something. For example, when I’m playing my guitar, singing, or making music. Also, when I make love with my wife, though she seems tired and reluctant most of the time Also, when I work out or do some strenuous physical activity but it's hard to find time to do that.

I also have been feeling a deep deep depression and hopelessness. I wish I could believe in a god or afterlife of some sort, but I don’t. I’m very confident that when we die it all just ends. It’s over. There’s nothing. I frequently picture an immensely and infinitely long timeline, with me just a tiny, barely noticeable even with a microscope, finite dot on that time line. I imagine zooming out from that dot and quickly seeing myself disappear into the long line of infinity and feel a deep deep sadness that there is no way I will avoid this fate. I hate this feeling so much that it further depresses me when I consider that I fathered two beautiful babies only for them to experience the sadness and loneliness of life and then to die alone, back to the void.  

There have been enough times where I considered the worst, but can’t bear the thought of the impact it would have on my children and my family. First financially, as I'm the primary breadwinner, there would be a severe loss that would force a number of profound changes for the children. Second because it would feel incredibly selfish to do this to my family, and third, I don’t think i have the courage for it. This in turn depresses me even more. 

I also feel unable to share with anyone. I don’t have anyone I can share these feelings with. I’m reluctant to share with my wife because I don’t want to burden her. She needs me to be strong and support her anxieties. She's straight more than I am I think. She needs me to hold her hand and if I were to tell her the truth, I fear she would struggle and despair.  On the other hand I also feel frustrated and neglected by her. She participates in book clubs connects frequently with frit on the phone amdt has spent several recent weekends in a social event without me. I stayed home with the kids so she could participate. So I feel unwilling and unable to lean on her.

I don’t feel lonely exactly, but I do feel alone. I don’t have any friends that regularly check in on me, nor do i check in on anyone. I have one friend that i call every now and then but I often feel like I can’t connect with him because I haven’t put in the time with him. He lives far enough away to make that difficult. If we lived closer together I think we’d spend more time together, but it’s hard to know. 

I don’t feel as confident as I used to professionally. I have deep doubts about everything I do all the time. I find myself thirsty for acknowledgement, and anxious about meeting expectations at the same time. I have high standards for myself, but also struggle to meet them. 

I feel a constant lump in my chest and I want it to go away.