Depression and eating

I wasn't sure whether to talk about this under the depression or ed community, but I figure this falls more under an "unhealthy relationship with food" area than an actual ed one, so depression it is.

It feels like there is no way to win lately when it comes to eating, not when I feel so down. If I don't eat I feel awful (surprise, surprise, the body needs energy to function), but everything I eat feels like the wrong decision. It doesn't help that I'm craving sweet and fatty things due to low energy and dopamine levels. Right now I want a short stack of chocolate chip pancakes the way my dad makes them...ugh. I know I'd feel awful afterwards.

And then I feel so guilty talking to people about this. I mean, my mom would probably just push me to work past the cravings and eat an apple if I want something sweet, which doesn't really address my issue. Besides, I've felt plenty guilty about eating apples. I hate admitting these feelings to my girlfriend, too, since I know she struggles to feel confident due to the fatphobia she has experienced. I should talk about it to some of my friends, but...I don't know. Maybe I'm afraid they'll give me actually good advice.

I mean, I know this is about my sense of control. It's something for my brain to obsess over so that I don't sink deeper into feeling totally hopeless. Like, maybe if I can control my diet and lose 20 lbs it'll make up for the fact I keep on crying at the smallest inconvenience and I barely have the energy to shower when I get home. It's such a classic response to mid-twenties malaise and so dreadfully boring that I'm not sure I know a way out.

I mean, I'm for fat liberation. I'm for the enjoyment of food. I understand the link between fatphobia and colonization, and I still feel like every food choice is the wrong food choice. I don't know what the answer here is except to wait until I magically become less depressed and can cling to a better goal than controlling what I consume.