Depression and the Inability to be Happy

My school just had a large homecoming event filled with dancing, cheering, sports, food, laughter, and so on. It was a neat event that we stage every year. The whole school gathers around and celebrate the homecoming. There are neat stunts, fun activities, funny jokes, and in general the mood is a positive one. Despite all of the fun and positivity, I didn’t smile a single time. I knew I should have been happy, but I just wasn’t. I just couldn’t be happy for some reason. Everybody around me was cheering, hollering and yelling at the top of their lungs and here I was, still sitting and entirely quiet.

Once it was over I just left and didn’t hang around with anybody; not that I have anybody to hang around with I suppose. I just went to where the buses stop at and waited. I just stared off into nothing, no thought present in my mind. Once I got on the bus the driver started playing fun music for the bus to sing along to. Almost every single person sang cheerfully except for me. I was just staring either at the sky in the window or at the ceiling of the bus.

As I got off the bus and began to walk down the street I couldn’t help but feel ashamed. I keep thinking about what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I be happy? I should have been having the time of my life and yet I didn’t smile a single time. I wasn’t interested in a single thing going on. Why do I have to feel this way all of the time? I just want to feel something different for once in my life. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of feeling hollow and empty. I’ve felt like this for my entire life and I don’t know what else I can do. I hate this, I hate this person, I hate me. I just want to be happy.

Please.