Falling and Floating

Im new here and long winded so I apologize for the dribbling of words.

It’s been three weeks, with no noticeable triggers, no inclinations and no obvious signs that I was depressed, but I knew I was feeling off. I was floating in the space between relationship issues and my own personal emotions. Overcompensating. Pushing myself past limitations. Carry trauma that if no idea I held on to. I’ve been a wreck. Two arguments, loss of connections for my partner and a physical altercation has reached a head today. And I should have known. I finally felt the trigger, it hit yesterday. The moment I admitted I needed to get outside, I felt it. I felt the shift. I knew the depression was settled in my bones. And I gave myself the mind numbing moments to fend off, but this morning the force of it hit so hard that anxiety and panic both came and struck and I found myself sat in a dark kitchen CRYING and filled with desperation after another argument set me into failure. My best friend and sister showed me more grace than I’ve showed myself and again I found myself a crying mess in a massage table because my sister made it sound so much more light by saying “ it’ll work your sins away” it worked my heart into ease but my mind into the emotions I’ve been unable to put a name to