Hello, I'm Optimistically Depressed

3Hey! I keep wondering if I belong here. I was clinically depressed years ago, from my teens to late twenties. I'm in my mid(ish) thirties now. I married my high-school sweetheart and we have two beautiful, sweet little girls (6 years and 20 months). My husband drives truck so he is gone for 10-14 hour days. I'm a stay at home mom/artist but recently rekindled my love of dog training.

In my 20s I spent 8 years with one counselor and managed to address a lot of my problems that caused my depression, anxiety and self-harm. I learned skills to cope and then we built our family. I have been SAHM since my first daughter was born.

Since putting in that work with my counselor, I've felt like I can cope so well with anything... until recently.

I have always liked to call myself optimistically depressed. Every day I wake up thinking today will be better. I will accomplish goals, I will take on the day. The last few years have been a bombardment of one life obstical after another. Things have gotten so hard. I feel like we've been struggling for a few years now. Most recently though... in the spring time, one week before my oldest finished kindergarten and started her first summer vacation I twisted my ankle on a hike. Hiking, dog walking and dog training really got me to heal from my youngests birth trauma and a lot of big life events that were difficult for me to adjust to. So when I twisted my ankle, I was not impressed and began to feel really frustrated. I was just starting to feel like myself again before that happened. Getting medical help has been a struggle (I'm in Northern Canada and our Healthcare is completely bogged down). They think I tore two ligaments, but I have only been able to get Xrays done. MRI is a really long wait so I focused on getting the apt for an ultrasound. It took a month and so much calling back and forth to get it sorted out to finally book an apt where the earliest I can get in is October. It's been 11 weeks already since I injured my foot, and I can't walk on it very well still. Still using a medical boot and crutches a lot. I used to walk to town for errands or to bring my kids to play groups. I don't usually have a car so I depend on walking even just to go get some groceries.

After 11 weeks of this I'm now getting very depressed. Severely depressed, apparently, is the result I got from this app. I didn't realize I was THAT depressed until I started answering those questions. I'm constantly trying to cope and buck up. I have a network of support from friends and family but I feel like there's just nothing nobody can say to help me feel better. There's nothing I can do except keep pestering my doctor and try to stay off it and heal it (which is impossible, with two small kids and my husband always gone). It's starting to cause strife between him and I as well, as he's feeling stressed and overwhelmed.

I don't feel like I need the kind of support many other people need. I just am struggling right now and I am recognizing the signs. I'm worried I'll slip back to self harm, which I started when I was 13 and only gave it up once I was pregnant with my first daughter.

I used 7 Cups many years ago, and even was a listener for a bit. A lot has changed but I feel like this app has resources that may be helpful to me. I'm just not entirely sure where to start or who to talk to. I don't feel like I need a lot of help... just someone to listen to me complain so I don't have to out it all on my husband and friends.