Hidden in a castle - fight no more

Since I was young, I would imagine living in a bright and beautiful white castle, protected by tall walls and hidden away from everyone and my worries—the loneliness of being a child, the responsibility of being the oldest of four children. My mother was passive-aggressive with codependency, but manipulative and a very crazy abusive bipolar father. I held it together as long as I could remember. Always feeling the need to.do.good and the feeling I can't walk away from my siblings-they need me.

I had many therapy talks and I dont know how I survived the nights my father would check on me while I faked sleep or my mom asking me to look over junk mail middle of the night. Telling her I have finals that morning and her responding as she was annoyed I didnt want to help her.

Smoothed myself by hiding in my castle asking why.

Now in late years, I learned to reflect and finally deal with all the pain and the surrounding issues one would think she would be in a better place.

The realization of what I have gone through a f sometimes feeling helpless and sad. Lonely and self-destructive.

I thought it should be easier now that I have the tools and ways to deal with it. I hear myself during therapy talking to please therapist with the right words. Not telling her how despair and sadness I am. Afraid to show my truth.

The castle no longer works and I can't hide anymore. It no longer protects me.

Some nights I just let anxiety and sadness cripple me. I would shake and breathe hard while I could feel my heart racing till it tired me out.

I’m so tired of running but I dont know how to fight this away.

Does it get harder as we age? I wished it was suppressed then at least I coukd hide in a dream but the reality of knowing why, who, and what has made things more sensitive and hard.

If anyone understands, please share.