How to process what I am doing and feeling

@helpfulChestnut80

I am sorry to hear about the difficulty you are currently experiencing. It sounds like you are struggling with several decisions in your life at the moment. It's perfectly normal to experience feeling stuck at times in our life. Everyone experiences unhappiness.

I would recommend talking to a professional therapist if you are not already. I would also recommend participating in self care and taking some time for yourself outside of your responsibilities. Hobbies such as jogging, reading, candle making, or any creative liberties can be very freeing and therapeutic. They can also be a great way to meet new people and connect to like minded individuals. Friendship and support is what a person needs the most when they are struggling with their minds. 

It's important to realize that you are not a perfect individual. That you will make mistakes and at times actions you take can be harmful to yourself and others. This is where accountability and forgiveness or 'moving on' (when you cannot forgive, but you decide an action that has hurt you will no longer control or effect you) come into play. 

It may feel as if you have lost yourself in your unhappiness. You may feel like a stranger to yourself at times. You may have never imagined yourself in this position. But it's important that you know that you can find yourself again, there is a way out of this situation even if it is not easy (and at times very scary).

I recommend asking yourself several key questions that only you will be able to answer. 

What is it that I am truly seeking? What am I currently trying to find by participating in a virtual affair? Is it connection? Is it an escape? Is it a cry for help? For attention? Is it self-sabotage? Am I lashing out and trying to hurt someone? If this continues, what will most likely happen? What are the consequences to this action? How will this affect the people around me and myself? Will this affair help me or will only harm me further? Is this affair the root cause of my misery or a symptom of it? 

You hold the key to your life. You make the decisions. You have the final say. Every action has a consequence, when that action hurts someone, it takes bravery to face the coming consequence. It takes courage to say sorry.

Remember: You are not trapped. You just think you are. You are a human being, you were born free. Dreams and expectations can be changed. You can begin to want something different. You are not a slave to anyone's will. In the end, the only person who will ever have to live the consequences of every choice and action you make will be yourself. When your actions make you miserable or happy, only you will live it.

It's important to remember that you are the only one that will live for you, everyone else will live for themselves. But it is also important to remember that your actions can hurt other people in your life. There is a balance in loving yourself and being selfish. 

I leave you with this: Most people trying to die aren't trying to escape life itself, just the one they are living. 

I understand how exhausted and stuck you feel, about everything around you. It is not all rosy right now, but it sure will. The good thing is that you found the courage to seek some encouragement and support here. Thank you for that. If you can, try and look out for the things that make you happy, even if few. You will be fine. Here's a warm hug from me in the meantime 🤗. I hope it makes sense 😁.

Am trying but the only thing am looking forward to is my on will settle down in 5-6 years, he will be able to handle himself and i don't want to do anything in this world anymore. I am just looking forward for him to mentally strong adult. So that I can go away with assurance