I am not doing well, and I know this wont garner a lot of attention.

44/M here,

I almost opened a free account on one of these catholic forums, and then I remembered my time on one and how terrible it was there and that reminded me, that... religion in general and in my case, online catholic forums are not there to handle my complaints about faith, the church, God, let alone take the blame for mistakes or blatantly wrong actions done.

So I scooted back here because, people on this site, and especially the forums are really not here to debate, thankfully. An can relate to things like depression, anxiety, and the pain caused by it, and the triggers to such mental health issues. This leads me back to in my case, my mental health problems and how in the end, the Catholic Church just became a bigger problem that was added to my mental health issues than being a place of relief or a source of comfort. This is sad, because when I was in the Army at 18, my faith and going to Mass regularly was a giant source of comfort and relief and was probably the only thing that got me through my time which was ***, and I served in peacetime. I would have rather been in a different unit and served overseas than go through what I did in Georgia.

I had a mental breakdown a while back, and on more than one occasion, I made the mistake of reaching out to a Catholic priest, on two occasions and once to my local Bishop, all 3 had no clue how to talk to me, had no clue of what I was going through at the time, and most of all, in the end, didn't want to be bothered with my problems let alone, send me a simple get well card and let me know they were praying for me. I also had no remorse given by the priest who presided at my mother's funeral, he tried to give some consulting words at the mass but nothing personally. It was like he was just there doing what he had to do. No big whoop. Then before all that but after my time in the Army, my stupid self had the genius revelation I was called to be a priest or monk. The sad truth I learned is, it doesn't matter if Jesus Christ Himself, personally showed up in your home, and said, I want you to be a priest go to this city in this state and go apply over there. If you can not show a history of maintaining a job, at least get a C average in school studies in college to the Seminary ( which is nothing but a men's school ) and if you do not know how to play the people game, forget it you can kiss that calling direct from Jesus Himself, goodbye. The good thing is, if you are a stellar College Student, have held a job for 3-5 years, have Zero interest in the Catholic Church, and just decided one day, to become a priest, you could wait the initial 2-year waiting period to get the interview to get into a seminary. You are great at putting on a fake smile and know how to be a people pleaser, you can easily get through the seminary.

So that was a blow to not getting into the seminary but I didn't stop, I managed after some years to get into a Benedictine Monastery. Giant freaking mistake. They put on a good show for the first month, and were very welcoming in the first few weeks of interviews and the first two weeks of my first month of being accepted for being a candidate. The second-month things changed, I was old news, I noticed no one was interested in having a conversation with me, I was expected to not ask questions, not complain about any personal issues on any level, and I was expected to simply be present, sit and smile, do what I was told, and figure out everything else on my own. I tell you this, I learned a lot about everyone by just listening, and how they gossiped about one another and saw how they were mean to each other, ready to complain about my shortfallings and just oblivious to the problems at hand. I decided it wasn't my job to fix them, and it turned out my ailing mother needed me more than I needed them. The best decision of my life was leaving that monastery.

Here is the rub, I tried to make things work, I tried talking to the right priests, and I was able to concede to my mistakes, but what flabbergasted me was no one was willing to even contemplate maybe they were wrong in a lot of things. A lot of die-hard Catholics do that constantly, deny any wrongdoing, and whatever wrongdoing is done, is suddenly done only by individuals who were corrupted by Satan. Moreover, if you punch yourself in the head hard enough and decide to enter into a debate with a theologian or catholic on one of these " catholic websites " forget it, you have better chances of selling sun tan lotion to an Eskimo in a snow storm, than you do of getting one of them to admit that maybe the Roman Catholic Church doesn't have all the answers, and could use a shake-up and clean up.

Then to add salt to the wound, instead of Pope Francis placing proper blame where it was due, to the clergy and those responsible for the scandalous crimes that he got left holding the bag on, What does he do? He decrees everyone in the Church is to blame, me and every member of the Church, and that we were to do some special bs prayer time, which I did, I didn't want to but, I didn't want to tack on more problems than I needed spiritually at the time, which now, I can see was just a waste of time cause I don't care anymore now what the Church thinks of me.

So years ago, I finally walked away from the Roman Catholic Church; I am still tech part of the Church, just a lapsed Catholic, and to other die-hard Catholics I am in danger of spending eternity in ***!!!!!! How nice is that to know other more holy people than you or I am worthy enough to pass eternal Judgement based on what they think they know? Moreover, they can not even admit they invented Purgatory to answer for the middle ground of people that were forgiven, Like saints that did something awful like Murder fellow Christians or mistreating and/or burning someone at the stake. When things can not be rationally answered, the answers are, Faith, The Church Decreed, or if all else fails, you just don't understand because your heart is too hardened, I'll pray for you. ( Fyi the I'll pray for you is the Catholic way to say F*#K You. Also if they do pray, they are not praying for you, they are praying that they are right and you are wrong and that you will succumb to their stupidity). So what did I find out from leaving, My life sucks just the same as it did while I was a Catholic. I thought all my suffering had a special meaning. It didn't.

The only thing I am certain now, at least for me, is that God and Jesus are fine with the crap mess the Church is in, I ain't meant to fix it; I ain't meant or built to be a part of it, and perhaps God and Jesus are just done with me in general because I do not see any end in sight for my pain and suffering even though I constantly try to make it better little by little. For whatever reason, this is it for me in regard to a better life. Now I have to live with it. I hope I can.

If others can see the glass half full, hey good on you. I ain't trying to take nothing from ya, just don't sell me your chicken crap and tell me it is good for me and is really chicken salad.

I have more struggles than just my loss of faith and trust in the Church and God. I could write this much just on my time in the Army, or my time in Grade School and the horrors I suffered there, to the loneliness of Highschool and the heartbreak of being in love with a girl that did nothing but use me. From watching my neighborhood change and having terrible neighbors of some 20-odd years, to how I cant just pick up and move because I am dealing with my mental health, my physical health, and now dealing with having to care for my father because like my mom, no one wants to take care of our parents. My dad is stubborn, he wants to help his way, and he loves me but it is a double edge sword because he isn't giving me anything of hope to shoot for as in ideas, I have to think for myself and come up with something out of nothing.

I could write another book on parenting, how my parents were not ready to be parents, and how my dad was nowhere close to being ready to be a dad and did a lot to not be one. Yet somehow obviously loves us. But to me, more as one loves a faithful pet.

When I die, which will probably be too long from now. All I want is to hug my mom and tell her I made it, and be left alone with God, I don't want holy mystical answers, I do not want to sing a choir of angels and have this punched-in-the-head happy kumbaya time that you see with mega-churches or ' contemporary Christians, I want to be reunited with my pets, the few things I enjoyed while I was alive and maybe a nice place out in the country to live. Or be a superhero. or have a family of my own, and have the life I should have had. I deff do not want to reincarnate and start from zero if that is a thing, because if it is, I didn't remember to *** the last time around. So no need to keep doing stupid stuff over n over.

Too old for a family now, probably too messed up in the head for a relationship, I don't wana go on any more yet i keep going cause of the few people in my life as much as i dont see them, they do care about me and I cant hurt em by checking out early. an i kinda resent that.

I don't want prayers, and I do not want anyone telling me how to believe in the church or God.

If ya want to leave positive vibes, that will be fine i suppose.