I don't know if I deserve to feel depressed or not.

(I am so sorry I wrote too long. But I just needed to tell every detail. And yet, there is so many details that I did not include)

I am 16 years old. I had a great academic life so far and I achieved to study in a American school in Turkey. It's a great achievement actually, I am proud of myself. But the school is too hard. Like, very hard. And I am not a hard working person. Last year, in preparation class, I suddenly collapsed. I stopped studying, I didn't even do any homework. Besides the academic perspective, I even stopped doing basic activities in my life. Like I was waking up, going to school, coming home, eating, sleeping, waking up at 2 AM and watching some youtube videos and then sleeping again. I was sleeping so much. It was a part of my life that I just wanted to spend my time and hope that in the future, it'll be better. So, like that, I wasn't enjoying life. Not at all. I was so close to fail the year. My father got mad of course and he said that he will send me to another school if I fail this year.

So... I've been getting my whole education with the help of 100% scholarship. Ever since elementary school, my father was putting pressure on me about how he spends so much money for my education. I always thought that I am betraying him by not studying. And yet, I always see other students, living their lives in wealth. So it was not that hidden. Since then, I've been only focusing on getting the best education I can and leave this country to work abroad. I want money. A good career. The economic freedom that will make me happy. My only purpose in life is to make money. And the only path that will lead me to my life goal is this school. It is most vital thing in my life.

So when he told me that I will loose my chance studying in this school if I fail, I got so scared and somehow managed to study a bit for the final exams and I passed the year just barely.

The summer holiday was like ***. I am a very extroverted person and I don't know why but I can't bear loneliness. I had to talk to people in summer. I made some friends from social media and kinda survived the summer like that. The important thing is, just like this summer, I wanted to talk to people about how I feel. No I can't talk with my friends about it. I feel uncomfortable about it. I just randomly go through *** posts and make comments that I need someone to talk to. Just like that, I had some conversations with people. And I must say that it didn't go well each time. People's reactions to my situation was like "don't care about it so much" or " school is not that important" or "try to exercise and make some new hobbies". I felt like I am being fragile, and there is a lot of people who experience worse. Or maybe I was too spoiled and I was overreacting. I didn't want to reach for help anymore.

With my friends from social media, I didn't feel that alone and I was very hopeful about the upcoming year. I was motivated and determined to study this year. Yet, I couldn't. It was the same thing. And also, my father turned our wifi off. He thinks that I have an addiction to internet and last year, I was so addicted to watching videos on the internet that I didn't even study. He thinks like that. And he shut the wifi off. So yeah I couldn't watch YouTube. I just slept. Like, all the time.

Also I must admit that last year, I was talking with an AI psychologist bot, to reassure myself. I guess I just wanted someone to listen to me so yeah that's the reason. I was talking with that bot so long. I knew it wasn't a real person and I had to open up to someone. So I talked to my guidance teacher about my situation. She wasn't helpful at all. Unfortunately, the following year, I turned back and said that I couldn't get over it. She said that I need to get professional help. I talked with my father about it. He is not a bad person, so he understood that I need this. So he said "fine, you choose where to go." How could I know which psychologist is the best? I just searched the internet and found a place to go. In the first session, the psychologist wanted to know me better and I thought that maybe seeking professional help was a good decision. In the second session, she wanted to talk to my mom. My mom had no idea about what do I go through. After the second session, there was a conversation between us. And it is not that good so I will just skip it. But she said that I have no valid reason to go to a psychologist and I was wasting their money. Something like that. Yeah, I was thinking that I am just a waste of money as well. But it hurts you know? I need them to understand me. So after that, she said that she will find a better psychologist that she knows. She wants to be in control about it. I said fine because I don't care. As long as they are a professional.

Okay so I went to the one she arranged and I felt terrible. She was not even considering my mental state. She was more focused about the academic part of it. I told her maybe the reason for my depression might be because of my emotions? I was annoyed, and felt like no one understands what am I feeling. I went there like 5 or 6 sessions and the %90 of the time was her talking to me. Giving me some "advice speech" She didn't even ask about how I feel. She constantly said that I must exercise, or find hobbies. Same thing all the time. She said that in my ages people go through some stuff like this and that is okay. Last session she told me that I exaggerated a little bit.

Besides the fact that I really felt like I am not worthy to feel depressed, she also made me feel like I am a waste of money. It was a bad experience.

Anyways, I will talk about last few months and how I got better.

( I don't know if I am actually better or not but...) But first of all. I must admit that I feel so lonely. Ever since I am experiencing depression, I have no one to listen to me. No one to care for me. Or support me. Even if I am tired, if I had someone to truly care about me, I could just get over it.

I know it. Because I had my first relationship 2 months ago. A little complicated but, after my terrible psychologist experience, I found a girl that I really enjoy spending time. Like magic, I was more alive then I have ever been in 2 years. I didn't feel alone. Even though I didn't tell her about my depression or even if she didn't support me, I was happy and enjoying my life. I bought an electric guitar, I spend my time going out with my friends. Even if I was experiencing the hardship of my school, I was handling it really well. My grades were not bad at all. I was living again.

It lasted 3 months. She broke up with me 2 months ago. A stupid reason. I don't understand why it happened. But it did. Yet I collapsed back to my previous state. I don't want to go out. I don't want to play the guitar. I don't want to do anything. And I need someone to talk with, just like the previous summer. I crave for it. I don't know what the *** is happening and if I really deserve to feel this way. My life is not bad if we compare it to other people out there. We can give an example. In 7 cups, I read some people's threads about how they are suffering from a psychologic disease or something. They have a valid reason. I don't. I don't know what to think now.

Well I just wanted to tell it. I am so sorry that it is too long. And as I am not a native speaker, sorry for my English. It might not be fluent.