I feel numb

I think it all started in 2019.

I come from a broken home and all I've ever known was abuses. This was from the start, even when I was kid. It didn't really bother me much when I turned into a teenager, because I was quite used to them by now. Soon, I turned into an adult and I started realizing things for myself.

We are 4 siblings, screaming and shouting is their only way of communication. I think everyone in our family were fed up of each other. There had been instances of them trying to commit suicide, even myself. But I got out of those thoughts when I turned older. Them? Not so much.

So in 2019, when my sister got so frustrated of all this that she decided to run away from the house. One day she told us, she was going downstairs to sketch, and never returned home. We kept searching and what not. She did call and say she was never returning back home and asked us never to contact her again.

That is when I felt most hurt. She was my elder sister, and she was my best friend. I felt like I lost her. She was never seen again after that.

After that in 2021, my bf had broken up with me. Said he wanted to focus on his career and I understood that and I tried letting him go. Only I did not have a good luck when it came to love - even in the past my exes had dumped me. When I was with my last ex - I had decided this would be the last time I was trying a relationship or tryna love. To my horror, even that went downhill. It has almost been 3 years now to the break up but we keep on going back and forth with each other. Ik we both have deep feelings for each other but it seems like we just cannot stay with each other. He ain't even bad for me, infact he is the only guy who ever treated me nicely and made me feel cherished. We are in different countries now, altogether. I guess we are both lost.

2023, I lost my dad. I was a dad's girl. I lost the biggest piller of my life. He wanted to build a home for Mom and himself so he can finally rest in his old age. He wanted to be away from all the chaos that surrounded our house as much as we did. He wasn't able to. To top it off, we lost our business to the govt with no fair compensation.

Worse thing? He wasn't able to see his eldest daughter as he passed away.

My sister did come but it was too late, she gave her condolences and she left too.

I carried out all the paperworks and procedures and everything. All the guests were judging me, because I couldn't shed a single tear on his funeral. There were no tears. Maybe my body was in shock.

And I haven't cried in a year now. I miss him everyday. I haven't mourned properly. He wanted me to pursue higher education, he made sure I did as took care of my college fees and everything before passing away.

Now I'm away from my family. From my mom and my siblings. My elder brother is married. He has a kid too. I'm afraid to let that kid grow in the type of environment I had grown up in. I'm scared. But I'm disconnected with them. I'm trying to make a better life for my life, because I am all they got after dad.

Yet, I feel no emotion. I feel numb. I tried dating again. I kept falling out and I became the person who kept dumping people. I started saying my mind out loud. I stopped caring if people thought I was rude. I became meaner.

People have called me cold, rude, mean, weird, crazy lot many things. Yet I feel nothing anymore to care enough about those words.

Idk what to do.

(The last time I was on this app, I was a teenager and had been backstabbed by my friends who I thought were my family. This app helped me get through it. I'm older now, I'm here again.)