I'm just a weak, ugly person looking for attention.

Hello,

I'm writing this because I honestly don't have the energy to explain everything myself, and I'm afraid I won't be able to say it properly if I try.

Since 2024, I've been struggling a lot with relationships, especially online friendships. Almost every time I meet someone, the exact same pattern happens.

I become emotionally attached to the person very quickly. After that, they become the center of my thoughts. I constantly check whether they replied to my messages or not. I keep checking if they're talking to other people, and I get very jealous when they do. Deep down, I wish they would only be close to me, and this causes me a lot of stress and anxiety.

If they reply late or I feel like they're becoming distant, I immediately start overthinking. I keep monitoring their activity and everything they do. It becomes exhausting and takes over my mind.

The painful part is that this same scenario has happened with almost everyone I've met online. At first they are kind and close to me, but later they become distant or ignore me. Every time this happens, it hurts deeply and makes it harder for me to trust anyone.

Eventually, I end up blocking almost everyone myself, sometimes without giving any explanation. I do this because I become overwhelmed by the fear that they will leave me, so I end the relationship before they can.

Now I've become socially isolated. Most days I only talk to one person, or sometimes no one at all. I feel extremely lonely, but at the same time I'm afraid of getting close to new people because I expect the same thing to happen again.

There's also an old *** account that reminds me of a very painful period in my life. During that time I met people who had a negative influence on me, and every time I think about that period I feel emotionally overwhelmed. I'm trying to recover the account only so I can permanently delete it and finally close that chapter of my life.

All of this has affected my sleep. I constantly replay the past in my head, and my mind doesn't seem to stop. I don't even enjoy sleeping anymore because I'm afraid of my thoughts and memories. I keep remembering everything that happened, and it causes me guilt, sadness, and emotional pain.

I don't know exactly what's wrong with me, but I know this has been happening continuously since 2024, and I feel like it's becoming more than I can handle on my own.

I'm reaching out because I genuinely want help. I want to understand why I become so attached to people, why I'm so afraid of being left, why I constantly monitor and overthink my relationships, and why I end up pushing people away even though I don't want to be alone.

I'm exhausted, and I truly want to understand what's happening to me and learn how to live a healthier and more peaceful life.