I'm not deserving of anything

I don't know I'm a failure in studies in love in choosing friends in being passionate about money I'm nothing.. I'm not deserving of love .. I hate it all .. I i feel like there's a big boulder on my chest.. I never ever harmed anyone.. I am trying to change myself for the better .. all i want is someone to be by my side.. and yet all I ever get is hate , or being taken advantage of .. i hate it .. I thought maybe i could have a shoulder to rely on atleast .. considering how bad my family environment is and how my parents argued daily i hate everything .. i though maybe I will have a shoulder to cry on .. I'm a man of no use . ***. I I am nothing I didn't even receive a tissue .. the last gift I ever received was when I was five years old till then no one ever gifted me anything for my birthday never not my friends nobody ... I'm a fool a *** fool. .. I wonder .. if I would die alone as well that's a painful way to die.. to be honest... To not have anyone by my side to love me console me .. alone the fear of death grasping me and as I slowly fall asleep the fear consuming me .. till I lose my final breath i don't know what will happen after that.. maybe nothing .. nothing will be there for me .. no god no heaven no *** no devil pure nothingness ofc that won't be new although since my life is a nothingness itself too