I'm not sure which community this fits best..

So I've always been the friend that everyone can go to with their problems or even just a rant, to let go of their feelings so they aren't so heavy.. but in doing this I feel like I habe to uphold this front - I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to or lay my feelings on without feeling like a massive bother to them, so I think thats where all this bottled up emotion is coming from.

Over the past 2 years I've lost multiple relatives including my Dad, Nanna and Uncles.. my Dad was the first loss of them all and it changed me massively, I still to this day don't feel like the old me and struggle to find the energy to do anything outside of work, I'm tired all the time, completely lack interest and motivation in a lot of thing I used to enjoy and I unfortunately feel like I don't reach out to friends as often as I used to. I spend a lot of time at home by myself when I'm not working, only every once in a while reaching out to someone to try and do something.

I moved country nearly 6 years ago so my best friend is thousands of miles away, I do feel like we've always gone through phases where we talk a lot and then not much at all - I generally put this down to our lives having busy moments.. but it feels like recently it's gone quiet again and the responses seem short and disengaging recently which makes me feel even more alone. I don't have many friends out here, other than work colleagues which theres quite an age gap I made this one friend that I'll sometimes meet for drinks or a day out, but my best friend back home has always joked about hating this friend because shes my best friend and nobody else can be... which I had always taken in jest but she does seem off with me whenever I do spend time with this friend or mention her, despite the fact she, too, has made a good handful of new friends. I'm trying to bare in mind the fact she has a toddler, work, going on dates, concerts, days and nights out with all her friends at home.. but it still sort of feels like I'm fading away into the background, but I don't know if I'm just overthinking it because I'm going through it.

I feel like I've been drinking a lot more recently, but then I take it too far everytime, get home early hours of the morning, and my emotions spiral.. it's unpredictable.. I don't know if we're going to get a happy fun girl, a really sad girl or an angry girl, so my aim is to stop drinking as often.. but then I'm worried I'll lose that one friend I do have out here because that's very often the basis of our time together 🥺

Sorry it's long, thankyou for letting me unload 🙏