I’m so out of touch with nyself I can’t feel my depression anymore

I can’t believe that I suddenly wanted to be truthful here of all places, but everything gets a try right?

Anyhow, I learned from a small age that being truthful and honest weren’t the best choices. Saying that I haven't done my homework would get me slapped, so I lied that I already did my homework, then got slapped for lying. Instead of actually doing my homework, my kid brain decided to come up with ways to not doing it, via excuses and alibis. Slowly I became a pathological liar, and a good actor.

2 years ago, I started making up personalities and exaggerate my trauma to win over people, or just to amuse myself. I hated myself so much for everything I had done, but I never stopped. Each personality, each story was tailor made for someone or an entire group of people that I know. Occasionally I slip up and have to lie on the spot, but no one ever saw through me entirely.

I was depressed even before those 2 years, due to family issues and just hating myself for other reasons. But now, even though I keep on telling people that I have depression, I’m not entirely sure if I’m still depressed or not.

I’ve played so many characters that I forgot how to be myself. I can’t remember or tell how I felt or was feeling, I only do, say and feel what I should be doing, saying and feeling according to my character.

I broke my 3 year self-harm clean streak last week, getting so frustrated at myself for all this. Now I’m back on self-harm because I feel like if I do it enough I can atone for what I did and finally feel depressed, or anything at this point.

I am not and never was a good person. You can believe me or not, and I won’t blame you. Just know that this is the most truthful I have ever been.