I need guidance, pardon

I’m 17M,

why should I keep living if i live in constant state of anxiety/dread? Why should I not just drop dead and end these feelings i have? Am i feeling this way for attention? Does life really mean so much that it it worth this pain i feel throughout a daily basis? I am not proud of the things i've done throughout life, i live in a constant state of worry.

Nothing terrible happens in my life. I haven't suffered nearly enough as many others have. Yet regardless i feel a lot on my shoulders, i can never really explain my own emotions never even to my own self but I know what i feel and i feel it so deeply.

I'm sorry if that is hard to understand it's hard for me to comprehend aswell, I try to make sense using these strange analogies because i cannot put my own feelings into words.

Pretty frequently maybe once a week i start feeling a certain way usually some sort of existential crisis. I have a feeling of nihilism but it affects me so deeply that i don't belive life matters any longer

I am only 17, so it feels very uncommon/unnatural that i feel this way at so young. i know i have plenty of life to live, but why shall I when i know i'll make mistakes, i will suffer in the future near to come and the foreseen future after that aswell.

As bad as it sounds, i don't cope with these feelings. I accept them as i feel if i can learn to accept the way i feel then maybe it will all be okay in the end, but all this has done is built up emotions so strongly. I live this way since my freshman year of highschool around 14 years of age and I honestly have learned to accept how i live in a state of depression if you want to call it, but ultimately i know when left untreated can end badly.

I don't mind talking about my feelings, but i'm a shy person so i choose not to. That's why this service is such a blessing. I have tried councling, but I'd go in one week tell them i don't know what's wrong with me i just have a longing feeling of dread. Felt the same way after that meeting and told her the same thing the next time. Just felt like a big loop

I’m not asking for a fix to my life. I just want advice. Anything. To put how i’m feeling short , i’m not sad atleast i don’t feel sad but instead I live in a longing state of despair. Nothing sad has happened but i don’t want to be here. I wish i could word it more accurately to how i’m feeling and I apologize for my inability to do so.